Mum has cancer and I'm spiralling

[DressingFrown]

DM is in her 50s - she's young, vibrant and healthy. She's been wanting to retire for a while but is still working full-time. She's always been healthy. I'm in my 20s, 2 DCs, busy life. I don't live nearby.

A few months ago, DM was diagnosed with cancer after having her appendix burst. She was diagnosed with stage 3 - they removed her kidney, her lymph nodes, part of her liver... She's recovery from that and we'd hoped that would be it. They've just come back now and said she's stage 4. It's in her blood vessels and has spread.

I don't know what to do.

I don't have the time, the energy or the capacity to even begin to think about it. I don't know how to cope with it. I work a stressful job, 60+ hours a week. I'm currently on a FTC and the market is very poor - if I'm not giving it 100% then there's a good chance I'll be unemployed at the end of my contract. I was supposed to be on annual leave next week but there's too much that's come in and I can't take it.

DD developed a condition last year that we're still managing - she needs her blood sugar monitored several time a day and has seizures and appointments all the time. DS doesn't get enough time as it is - he needs the opticians and the dentist and everything else. I need to buy new school uniform because the school have changed it and I need to book him in for his wraparound from September and I need to book the dog groomer and I don't know what to do.

What do I do? There aren't enough hours in the day and it's just one problem after another.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. What are your finances like, do you have a partner also earning?

I think in your position if at all possible I would find whatever way possible to take some time even if that means leaving your job, or being signed off sick. Some things are more important than work and time is the one thing you can’t get back- if at all possible I’d try to take some time off.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

The only advice I can give is look up Maggies Centre a cancer charity. They were so great when I was going through similar experience with a family member.

One day at a time, OP. Maybe one hour at a time. x

I'm so sorry to hear that OP. I lost my DM to cancer recently and was really glad I was able to spend some time with her and take some time off work. One time we nearly lost my dad with a heart attack and I had to take time off then work from home and I was only in a temp role, but fortunately they were understanding. If your employer/client isn't understanding about this then they aren't worth continuing with. It sounds like a good idea to have a job rethink anyway with your DD's condition.

I'm sorry to hear things are bad for your mum op.. Is she having more treatment? As other have said I think you need to take some time off to support her. Does your mum have a partner or do you have siblings also who can give her support? I appreciate you are worried about work but you won't get this time back and most employers will be understanding.

DH works full time as well but I earn more than he does. We definitely couldn't survive on just his salary. My job is extremely competitive and I've worked so hard to get into it - I'm very close to being in a comfortable position professionally. But, if I'm let go at the end of this FTC then it'll be very hard to find another role.

The actual people I work with are kind, understanding people but decisions are made much higher up (in the US office). They look at the numbers - when I'm in, when I'm not, days of sickness, hours billed... I won't be retained if I don't work.

Once I'm off a FTC, I can take more holiday, more leave - I can take unpaid parental leave and things like that. But, at the moment, I'd be throwing my whole career in the bin.

She's going to have immunotherapy now.

She has a partner but he doesn't see things her way - she likes things just so. She likes things cleaned and put away how she likes it, she likes things cooked to her taste... He doesn't seem to understand why it matters to her and either doesn't do things or does them his own way. She then pushes herself trying to "fix" things, or doesn't eat because she doesn't like it...

My brothers live abroad - both have young children (one DN born earlier this month) so they aren't available to come back to the UK.

It sounds like a nightmare situation OP, there is always another job, another route in, it may take longer but there is always a way. You don’t get more time though, so if you can I’d prioritise that at the expense of pretty much everything else provided you can keep the bills paid.

My mum always tells us that when something has to give, something has to give, you have to just pick the thing that you can afford to lose and she also tells is if YOU don’t pick then it ends up being decided for you and you only then realise you should have decided yourself sooner. Your children and their needs aren’t going anywhere so there’s no wiggle room there (although could DH pick up some slack here??), your mum’s cancer isn’t going anywhere so no wiggle room there, the only thing that can feasibly go is the 60+ hour a week stressful job, so there isn’t a decision to make really.

Put your priorities in order OP, in a list.

Don't think about it, just write them out, then deal with them in that order the best you can.

Might be worth getting some counselling, perhaps CBT, to help you through this.

What is wrong with you?! I obviously meant healthy before her diagnosis. As in, her diagnosis was a shock.

Your comment is nasty, callous and disgusting.

I have a job because I don't want to have my children living on the streets. I cannot just quit my job with no consequences - nor can most people. You must have had a very, very privileged life if you think people can just quit their job and not need the money.

Do you honestly believe everyone can just throw away their entire career? I love my mum so much but she's not the only factor at play here. Mortgage needs paying even though mum has cancer, DCs need food even though mum has cancer, council tax needs paying even though mum has cancer, DD needs to go to her appointments even though mum has cancer... It doesn't matter how important she is to me or how much I love her, the world carries on anyway and I cannot drop absolutely every other spinning plate.

You're right - I have one mum. I have been running myself ragged for months now. How do you think I can work 60 hours a week (minimum), I go to hers all weekend and work from hers on days I can WFH, I do her meal prep and her shopping and wash her hair, take her to appointments, hold her hand, do the research into her condition, come back to my house and do DS's appointments and DD's appointments and help with Sports Day and plan their birthday parties and buy new school uniforms... I'm fucking exhausted and you have no idea what you're on about.

This thread is nuts. OP has kids who depend on her, her mother has a partner. OP do not jeopardise your job! It's really tough out there in the recruitment market. Easy to say "there's always another job" when it's someone else's mortgage.

Well if your dh is on the lower salary HE needs to step up. He can take parental leave and do appointments and housework and parties and uniforms. You tell him: “I’m at breaking point. If you can’t step up , I’ll have to quit my job, then my career might end, and we are financially screwed “

Could you share what job you do? Loads of professional women on here who may be able to help you see past what could happen if your career ends

Also - tell the shitty absent brothers they need to come back for a week each and HELP. They can give you a week off, they can run around and shop, tidy, wash your mums hair. Leaving you to do it all, totally unfair. Get a family WhatsApp and make it their problem too.

PS - don’t underestimate the impact on you if your mum passes away. Even if you kind of know it’s coming, it hits hard. You are exhausted from caring and then suddenly you have this huge bucketload of grief dumped on you. A lot of people simple have to stop for a few weeks - what happens to your job then?

I strongly regret being pregnant,and having a busy career when my dad was dying from cancer - took me years to recover from the exhaustion and left me with permanent heath problem due to the stress.

You are human, don’t break yourself

Does your mum have lymphoma, OP? If so, stage 4 doesn’t necessarily mean terminal. Don’t give up hope.

Can your partner step up and help out since he is the lower earner?

Thank you for the kinder responses. I definitely wasn't expecting that comment telling me how I'm a horrible person and an awful daughter.

DH does do a lot. He's a great husband and father. He does most pick-ups and drop-offs, he does daily afternoons with DCs from 4-6, he's present every bedtime. He does his fair share of dishes and cooking and laundry. He's not good at knowing what needs doing though - I have to point out when the nursery bill needs paying, when the school uniform order needs to be in, when the car needs the MOT or the car insurance needs renewing... He just won't check the calendar. He's busy too - and he does a lot. He is also very close to my mum - and his dad also has cancer (although isn't relying on him for any physical care).

DD's appointments involve a genetic testing element and sometimes training on equipment so they often need both of us there. Otherwise DH does sometimes take her on her own.

My brothers also can't viably come with any real ease. One had a child born a few weeks ago who was a preemie. The other has 50/50 custody of his toddler (very strictly enforced schedule) and is single. They live very far away and aren't high earners.

She doesn't have lymphoma and they certainly haven't said that she's terminal.

I'm a trainee solicitor at a US law firm.

OP, you absolutely must protect your job here. A lot of the people on this thread will have no concept of what working at a US law firm is like nor how crucial it is to secure an NQ role. You can't do more for your mother than you currently do, so she will need to secure additional support herself if she needs it. You could maybe speak to a cancer charity to see what they can suggest but don't blow up your career and life for this.

Thank you - it's very difficult. I feel as though every option is a decision I'll regret and I've just been head-down and focusing on the million things I need to get down. I'm exhausted.

This is a bit harsh - Mum has just received the diagnosis and OP is still processing it and working out what the heck to do And if she is not in a permanent contract, this is a worry too.

OP, your partner needs to take over everything to do with your kids, so all you need to think about right now is your job and your mum. And your brothers need to do the same. They have partners who can cope. This situation with your mum needs to be the priority.

First: take a breath — you are under immense pressure, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed.

You cannot fix everything at once. Right now, prioritise:

Your mum’s diagnosis – Ask for a clear update from her medical team if you can. Even a short visit or regular call can help you feel connected.

Your own capacity – You are running on empty. Can your GP help with stress or signposting support services?

Delegate or delay anything non-urgent — the dog groomer, school wraparound, even uniform (buy basics now, not the full set).

Ask for help wherever possible — friends, family, school, your employer (explain you’re facing a family crisis — even one day off matters). You're not failing. You're just human, in an impossible situation

I just want to say that I've been there. I also couldn't just up and leave everyone and everything to spend more time with my mom, but I called her every other day. I started walking to and from work and we would talk then. It was during the pandemic, so I wasn't even supposed to visit. I'm so glad I did that, we had some really deep talks and I know that she died knowing that she was loved. As for more practical help, I would cook and freeze everything in batches whenever I could, and bring it to them - nutritional food that's not too heavy. She used to say that even chewing was painful during therapy, so soups and things like that, that my dad could just reheat whenever, were a great help.

Ultimately, there isn't a whole lot you can do... I used to beat myself up about not doing more, asking myself if I could have researched new therapies or something... You can't. You can just listen and offer whatever help you're able to offer. It never seems like enough, but it's always appreciated.

Thank you for the responses. Another work week is (almost) done. I feel like I need a break, a nap and a cry. But, another step and just keep going.