What would you send to child's dad's house?

[Neeeemo]

My child is 7 and staying with dad for first time ever. Has been a rocky road. Courts have ordered it.

Child is going for 5 days. Part of me thinks he should be buying clothes, toothbrush, hairbrush etc. He also has another child so should have some basic things already.

Honestly feel like sending with just their fav cuddly toy and in clothes I don't care if I don't get back, and let dad do the rest. He is spiteful so I'm fairly certain I wouldn't get most of it back, and he certainly wouldn't wash any of it.

On the other hand, I don't want to piss him off, which sadly asking him to be a decent parent does.

I think my parents set high standards. When I went to my dad's my mum would pack clothes (I was older, 11/12 so wanted specific things) and my dad would wash, iron and fold it to send it back. My parents are still very amicable, maybe they set my standards too high!

Wwyd?

Well, put your son first. Will he be upset by not having clothes or a toothbrush? If so, pack them

Send some stuff the first time - simple stuff. If it doesn’t come back, refuse in future

Well his dad would have to get some. Just feel like the bar is set very low and I'd never see the clothes again. He's not allowed to contact me due to domestic abuse and an indefinite non molestation order and I just know he will use this to continue to financially abuse me.

Probably a good idea.

Your standards aren’t too high- your parents were/are good parents who care. You know your ex. My ex refused to buy even toothbrushes let alone anything else like clothing “that’s what I pay you for” (referring to child support). I found this out after I sent them with their favourite cuddlies, their meds and their clothes for the weekend but nothing else. My kids came back dirty, smelly with unbrushed hair and he accused me of neglect. Because he hadn’t ensured teeth and hair were brushed, they didn’t shower etc. he didn’t give the youngest their meds which were in the bag though so…

Hopefully your ex isn’t such a dick.

Are you on terms able to ask what supplies he has? A co-parenting app can be useful for those types of communications.
I wouldn't send the favourite cuddly, the second favourite maybe, yes, I have heard of a favourite cuddly being held hostage. Please don't laugh it was horrendous for the child.

I’ve always refused to pack. He needs to provide for his son. Of course he needs his favourite toy etc but otherwise.

If you can afford it, just send what you don’t mind not getting back/buy a pair of very cheap pjs and two or three outfits to send with your DC. Ask for it back though and hopefully it will come back. I take photographs so I can specifically say this hasn’t come home if I send something I am attached too.

Sorry, just read about the no communication. Would it still apply to a co-parenting app though ?

Oh absolutely not funny at all, and I can really believe that some parents are that twisted.

Yes all communication is through a contact centre.

If visits are going to be regular then I’d expect Dad to have things there as a general rule but he may want to take DS to choose his own things so may not have any as yet, so I’d maybe expect to send some this time around with the understanding he needs to sort stuff of his own in the future.

Have you actually asked what provisions if any he has made?

I'm on universal credit and despite earning well he understands declares as he works for his mate so pays me £7 a week. I have reported it, nothing ever happens.

Through whichever communication channel you use make clear that you have provided a reasonable kit for DS’s first time away and list those items. I’d make clear that these are DSs and the items in bag A are to be returned (write on it in sharpie) and the items in bag B are up to ex to keep topped up.

I’d include clothes, PJs, 1-2 ‘b-team’ toys/games, maybe a small selection of his favourite snacks / breakfast items, enough medications/vitamins etc for that time, specific toothbrush etc. I’d involve DC with the packing so he has a sense that these items are his.

I've asked the contact centre to ask what he has at his house for him in terms of clothes and toiletries about 3 times but they are utterly, utterly useless and never respond to me.

Thanks. I can't involve him with packing as he desperately doesn't want to go. Trying to stay positive with him about it though. Argh the stress!

Nice to punish your child by sending them just in the clothes they’re standing up in.

I am not punishing him. I am trying to ensure his dad takes up his role as a parent and provides for HIS SON. I am on universal credit, and am certain the clothes will not come back. I cannot afford to keep buying clothes for him. When he sees him for the day his hoodies and toys never, ever come back and the contact centre do nothing. It is intentional. When my son asks him where his toy is he tells me son he lost it - he gaslights him. I'm just so sick of it and want him to step up. Don't make out that I am the one punishing anyone, please, I am just tired, and broke, and anxious, and so so fed up of having to replace things.

@Neeeemo the only person who suffers if you send your child with nothing, is your child.

Don’t send anything expensive, clean T-shirts, pairs of pants / socks and a toothbrush cover his basic needs - but for gods sake don’t send him with nothing at all.

Do not fall into the trap of using your child as a pawn in your relationship with your ex.

I am not using him as a pawn. I am trying to make sure his dad steps up. If I send clothes now and they don't go back, it is far harder for me to then say I'm not sending clothes as I can't afford to replace them every time, as opposed to setting this boundary in the first instance. Trust me, with an abuser like him the first example would be worse. These are basic essentials that he should be providing. Our child is going to his dad's house, not on a camping trip. I don't think some people understand how difficult it is to navigate basic things like this and how you constantly live in fear of having to backtrack or explain why I sent clothes once but not again. I would never use my child as a pawn, ever.

Please please don't send the favourite teddy. There is so much chance for it to go missing, be held at Dad's house etc. "better to be here at home waiting for you when you get back"

We had a miniature copy of ds's favourite that did come home, eventually (once he was travelling independently and old enough to stand up to his dad and take it with him)

Contact centre should be making sure your son doesn't lose things or have them lost for him.
Are CAFCASS still involved or do you have a final order?
CAFCASS usually take the child's wishes and feelings into consideration from 7 or 8 yrs.

I've got £50 of Smyths vouchers so am going to go and buy some of the same beanie babies today that he can take with him. I'll have one and he can have the other. This was his idea. I will buy a few on case they go missing. Again, I'm still worried that it will piss his dad off if he knows that we have matching toys. It's just so hard to navigate.

We have a final order which has only been in place for a year. He can be harsh with him but after seeking legal advice hasn't done anything that would be enough to stop contact. He likes seeing his dad despite coming back completely shattered and in a foul mood, he wabts to go, he just doesn't want to sleep there.

Send a cheap toothbrush and paste, only the basic clothes you don't mind losing/don't mind dad keeping there for DC. Maybe send them in a box or bag that you say to Dad you're happy for him to keep there for the next visit. Don't send favourite teddy, but send a book and another teddy, that can also stay there. Don't go out and buy extras with the vouchers, especially not expensive ones. Don't think of it as them going missing, allow them to stay at his and next time DC goes, send him without the extras because dad should have them all there. Take photos of what you're sending over, and put it in a message to dad as well e.g. "DC is all packed and ready, there's a pair of pyjamas and a set of clothes, toothbrush and paste, and a book and teddy I'm happy for you to keep there for his next visit."