“Don’t be so stupid” - AIBU?

[GoodOldTrayBake]

DH did something stupid. Not a biggie, but stupid nonetheless. I said (no shouting but with a slight huff) “don’t be so stupid”. He’s now flounced off to bed on the basis that what I’ve said is so terrible. I apologised straight away after saying it, and said it was just an off the cuff comment said whilst I am exhausted. I’ve just done a 14 hour day, 5 hour round commute, rushed home to help him put the kids to bed, tidied the house after they were in bed and haven’t even had dinner. We were meant to watch an episode together now while I ate a late reheated dinner, but he’s fucked off to bed because he’s so tired and upset I told him not to be stupid.

Am I BU? Is saying “don’t be stupid” a terrible, disrespectful thing to say to a partner? Clearly if I wasn’t tired I would have chosen my words differently but is it really that bad?? Is my barometer off and am I being a major dick?? I can think of a lot worse I could have said.

He’s tired, you’re tired. Just leave it. Tomorrow is another day.

Hope you get a good night’s sleep OP.

It's pretty rude, I would be pissed off to be spoken to that way too.
What was the mistake?

Not denying it wasn’t an ideal thing to say, but it was a stupid mistake and I don’t understand why he would do it.

I had returned home after a 14 hour day, and before putting the kids to bed had quickly put on a load of washing. Whilst I was doing bedtime, I asked him to hang up the washing as the load had finished. For some reason, he decided to hang the clothes up over the wooden stair banister instead of over the many various drying racks, radiators, towel rails etc. available in the house. So by the time I discovered what he had done, the wood on the barrister had extensive horrible grey/white watermarks and there were varnish marks on the clothes. What is really annoying is that he did the same thing last week, so I could not comprehend how he could do the same stupid thing again - hence my off the cuff remark.

Why were you rushing round doing washing and bedtime after a 14 hour day? What was he doing?

Tbh that’s pretty stupid. I’d be pissed off too OP. he knows he has been an idiot hence why he has slunk off

He deserved to be called stupid because what he did was really stupid.

In fact he's doubly stupid because he'd done the same stupid thing previously!

He's doing it on purpose.

Thank you. That’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me in ages. I’ve just retuned to work after maternity leave and it’s such a horrible adjustment, and a horrible commute and horrible being away from the baby. I was just so happy to be coming home to see him and the kids. Feeling a bit deflated sitting on my own thinking about how the evening could have gone to shit so quickly over one sentence.

It’s a rough time OP, I’ve been there so I sympathise. To have it made worse this evening by your partner doing something like that, it must just feel so unnecessary, I get it. I hope he is better in other ways and this is just a one off where you’re both tired etc

OP, yanbu, a really stupid thing to do AGAIN.
Get to bed early, get a hopefully good nights sleep and start again tomorrow.
You have had a very long day, you must be shattered.

Don’t worry about, it happens, we’ve all been there.
Be kind to yourself and to each other.

To be fair it is a stupid thing to do.

So he's buggered off to bed leaving you to deal with the problem and feeling shit at the same time. That really isn't on. I would've said a lot more than that actually.

If he doesn’t want to be called stupid, he shouldn’t do stupid things. Ok not the nicest thing to say but far from the worst!

It's not a great thing to say but you say you "apologised straight away after saying it, and said it was just an off the cuff comment said whilst I am exhausted."

And it was a really silly thing to do again when he'd been show the damage caused before, there were alternatives, actual drying racks.

He can't accept an apology and has flounced off in a sulk.

However as pp said.. Tomorrow is another day. You will get through this x

I'm not entirely sure why you apologised

Poor little flower, he's so easily bruised <sarcastic obvs>
He shouldn't do stupid things if he doesn't want to be called out on it!

He's being childish sulking off to bed. You apologised, it shouldn't be a big deal especially since he knows how long your day is and you hadn't even had dinner.

Plus what he did was stupid.

Don't feel bad, you sound like you have enough to handle without having to worry about his ego.

Enjoy your quiet night!

At first I thought your comment was a little harsh until I heard what he did - he was being stupid and even a saint would have been frustrated .

You are carrying a huge load just now - don’t add to it by feeling guilty. Your husband needs to be an equal partner. As a PP said, you can’t be working 14 hours then having to direct him in simple household chores. He’s a responsible adult like you - not your teenage son.

These comments are wild. Someone making mistake doesn't entitle you to be disrespectful to them. In a marriage it is really important to treat and speak to eachother with respect, that includes fighting fair when you're both annoyed. It's the couples who fight fair that last a life time. My husband has never called me stupid and I would be really upset if he did. I've done some stupid things but the worst he has ever said to me is 'why have you done that!?' usually he says you're clearly exhausted just leave it and we'll deal with it tomorrow. If he had huffed don't be so stupid! At me I would be upset and avoid him for the evening too.

You're also not the only one that is tired and struggling, I have just returned to work from maternity leave and it has been just as hard on my husband as me as he now has to deal with a lot of shit on his own that I previously did for him or with him whilst at home and we're both getting less sleep.

Despite the general consensus on MN it's not ok to treat husbands like they are idiots and call them stupid because they did the washing wrong. That's how you put them off actually trying at all and get men who won't do anything or listen to you.

It's not a mistake. It's something really stupid, that he already knew was stupid. It isn't a 'mistake' when you choose to do it because you're lazy.

There isn't any such consensus on MN. And thankfully I've never had to treat my husband as if he's an idiot/stupid, because he's not. Men who do idiotic or stupid things should be called out on it. I'd've been pissed off too, and I'd've called him out on it too.

(but of course I do, in the main, agree with the above!)

This was not just a mistake. He did something he knew would damage their property and belongings. It was a mistake the first time - now it’s either stupid or deliberate or he was genuinely so sleep deprived he was on auto-pilot. All of these need addressed.

I’d speak to your DH when you are both feeling calm. A 14-hour day and a 5-hour round commute sounds a lot for you to handle. It’s a big adjustment of responsibilities post-maternity and - as the PP said - it’s more work for everyone. Is the current allocation fair? Is the real issue that your DH needs to support more at home or is it that the expectations of you in terms of amount of (non-household) work are too much just now? What would manageable look like for you and what’s stopping that being a reality?