To feel pissed off about this birthday situation?

CircusofPuffins · 2025-07-24T20:24:33+00:00

Found something out tonight that has rather pissed me off, but am I being unreasonable and should I let it go? The situation is that next month it's my birthday. I only get fairly limited annual leave from my job, but have booked that week off work. I have a friend (Friend A) who I'm really close to and see often, and another (Friend B) who I see less regularly, but who I know and get on with well. Anyway, I was planning on asking Friend A (and Friend B, if they wanted to) of doing something with me that week. Tonight I've learned that Friend B has secretly organised a holiday and is going away with Friend A that week. Friend B knew that it was both my birthday and my week off that week, and I believe has arranged this holiday only after I said I'd be taking that week off. I feel a bit left out, and also annoyed that they've organised something for that week (which, apparently, was the "only week available") and have only considered my birthday an afterthought. Apparently, I should organise something for another week instead...even though it'll be difficult for me to do so with work. AIBU to feel annoyed/a bit upset about this?

Katflapkit · 24/07/2025 21:34

How did you find out? Could it be a surprise for you?

Original poster

CircusofPuffins · 24/07/2025 21:37

Katflapkit · 24/07/2025 21:34

How did you find out? Could it be a surprise for you?

Friend A told me tonight. I've since messaged Friend B with a fairly cool "I didn't know you were going away that week" message and she's offered a wishy-washy apology, but no invitation. It's pretty clear to me I'm not invited.

OP posts:

Meredusoleil · 24/07/2025 21:39

Katflapkit · 24/07/2025 21:34

How did you find out? Could it be a surprise for you?

Exactly what I was thinking! Or, if not a surprise for you, could you not just go on holiday with them?

shiningstar2 · 24/07/2025 21:39

I would be hurt that they've done this without informing you and giving you the opportunity to go with them. Seems you felt closest to friend A but looks like friend B also feels closest to friend A. Did you, deep down, hope it would only have been yourself and friend A doing something for your birthday? If so, you can't really be resentful if friend B wanted the same dynamic as yourself with friend A. Sadly the old adage ..twos company three's a crowd seems to be in play here. More hurtful as it is on your birthday though and therefore very pointed. I would react with dignity. See how they are with you other than this event. It may be an oversight but I tend to feel that if you are not asked to something you could have gone to then the others say ,'i didn't think you'd want to go' it's usually because they don't want you along..After all, it's easy enough to ask. I know it's hurtful op, but if it looks like the dynamic is changing.moving towards excluding you, I would move on and leave them to it. 💐

Meredusoleil · 24/07/2025 21:39

Sorry just saw your last post. Sounds a bit strange to me.

Original poster

CircusofPuffins · 24/07/2025 21:44

shiningstar2 · 24/07/2025 21:39

I would be hurt that they've done this without informing you and giving you the opportunity to go with them. Seems you felt closest to friend A but looks like friend B also feels closest to friend A. Did you, deep down, hope it would only have been yourself and friend A doing something for your birthday? If so, you can't really be resentful if friend B wanted the same dynamic as yourself with friend A. Sadly the old adage ..twos company three's a crowd seems to be in play here. More hurtful as it is on your birthday though and therefore very pointed. I would react with dignity. See how they are with you other than this event. It may be an oversight but I tend to feel that if you are not asked to something you could have gone to then the others say ,'i didn't think you'd want to go' it's usually because they don't want you along..After all, it's easy enough to ask. I know it's hurtful op, but if it looks like the dynamic is changing.moving towards excluding you, I would move on and leave them to it. 💐

It's true I have a different dynamic with A, who lives closer and who I see more regularly. With Friend B, there have been some issues in the past with minor arguments, but no issues in the last couple of years. I suppose this is a wake up that even though I thought things with Friend B were resolved and water under the bridge, she clearly still has some issue with me.

I'm also annoyed with Friend A, but less so, because before tonight she didn't know I'd booked that week off.

OP posts:

PhilippaGeorgiou · 24/07/2025 21:46

So if I have got this right, you have a birthday, you booked leave but didn't tell your friend(s), didn't ask them to save the date or do something with you, planned to invite A to somthing you hadn't decided upon but only maybe invite B... and are now pissed off that A and B are doing something without you?

If you wanted to do something for your birthday did it not occur to you to organise something, or at least have a conversation?

PollyBell · 24/07/2025 21:48

So you booked leave just expecting others to automatically plan something for or with you, sure of you all planned who was taking leave when and they changed it without you a bit odd

Original poster

CircusofPuffins · 24/07/2025 21:52

PhilippaGeorgiou · 24/07/2025 21:46

So if I have got this right, you have a birthday, you booked leave but didn't tell your friend(s), didn't ask them to save the date or do something with you, planned to invite A to somthing you hadn't decided upon but only maybe invite B... and are now pissed off that A and B are doing something without you?

If you wanted to do something for your birthday did it not occur to you to organise something, or at least have a conversation?

No, I'd told Friend B I'd booked that week off. I was intending of mentioning it tonight to Friend A when I saw her. Both are very aware of when my birthday is, and need no reminders. I always make sure to invite Friend B, but is usually quite busy and had mentioned she'd be seeing family who were visiting next month, so wasn't sure if she'd accept or not.

Edit to add, no, I'm not someone who usually organises something more than well over a month in advance of my birthday...who does?

OP posts:

PhilippaGeorgiou · 24/07/2025 22:05

CircusofPuffins · 24/07/2025 21:52

No, I'd told Friend B I'd booked that week off. I was intending of mentioning it tonight to Friend A when I saw her. Both are very aware of when my birthday is, and need no reminders. I always make sure to invite Friend B, but is usually quite busy and had mentioned she'd be seeing family who were visiting next month, so wasn't sure if she'd accept or not.

Edit to add, no, I'm not someone who usually organises something more than well over a month in advance of my birthday...who does?

Edited

Show quote history

Edit to add, no, I'm not someone who usually organises something more than well over a month in advance of my birthday...who does?

If I expect two of my friends to take time off and spend it with me - most everybody! Your birthday is "next month" - in other words, since it is 24th July today, anything from 1 - 5 weeks away. At this time of year it is nigh on impossible to book time off in many workplaces.

Ayeayeaye25 · 24/07/2025 22:32

Not surprised you are hurt. It does sound mean of both of them to either deliberately exclude you or decide not to bother inviting you along especially when it is around the time of your birthday (and one of them definitely knew you were off work and available). It sounds like she has caboshed your plans but I don’t think friend A is as innocent as you think either.

Not sure of the dynamics and whether you have a DH, DC or close family that they could reasonably expect you to celebrate your actual birthday with rather than your friends?

I was hurt when a good friend of mine booked a 4 day holiday smack in the middle of my big birthday. I was planning to have a party and invite her along to celebrate either the day before or the day after my birthday. I was busy the week before with a family holiday and the week after I had a family wedding. The other women she went on holiday with I’m not friendly with and she told me sheepishly that she was going away with them on X dates 6 months before my birthday. I handled it well and didn’t show my hurt but she has been unavailable and cool since she told me about the holiday and ever since then. Maybe your friends are sending you the same signals too but hopefully not.

I would leave them to it and make sure you still arrange to do something nice to celebrate your birthday.

Take care OP

KeepcalmandtellthemtoFoff · 24/07/2025 22:46

Sounds odd

So you are all friends but not one group so you spend time with A and B separately and they spend time together without you?

I wouldn't necessarily expect them to keep that week free if you hadn't planned anything

nomas · 24/07/2025 22:50

YANBU. I would ditch these two and concentrate on other friends.

Do NOT arrange a birthday on a different date to accommodate them.

CarpetKnees · 24/07/2025 22:52

You are looking at this very oddly.

Two people who are going away together, aren't "secretly organising a holiday", they are just 'arranging a holiday'.
I don't consult all my friends who aren't going on the holiday with me, as to whether they think that is a good holiday to book.
If one of them, at some point asks if I'm going on holiday then I'd mention it, but I wouldn't make a point of telling anyone I was going on holiday next month.

Nor would I expect to keep my diary clear for an event that I didn't know was happening. Again - your thinking is strange.
If you want people to spend time doing something like going out for the day on your birthday, then you need to invite them. Having an August birthday probably means you need to invite them longer in advance because of people booking time off work when all parents need it. Even if you don't know what you are going to do, you need to have said months ago - "keep 15th August free please, I'd like to do something for my birthday." (or whatever date it is).

YABVU.

Ayeayeaye25 · 25/07/2025 09:24

nomas · 24/07/2025 22:50

YANBU. I would ditch these two and concentrate on other friends.

Do NOT arrange a birthday on a different date to accommodate them.

Edited

Exactly. I think they are playing games. They suddenly have grown closer and they have clearly shown you this.

Leave them to it, ignore and celebrate in style.

rainbowstardrops · 25/07/2025 09:32

I’d be hurt and pissed off too. Do they often go on holiday just the two of them?
I’d be re-evaluating what sort of ‘friends’ they are.