Childhood trauma or was it my fault

[Newbie1991]

Hello, I am not really sure where to start. My mum had me at 24 (I'm 34 now) my dad left before I was born (but come in and out of my life so no real bond was formed)

My Mum started to go off in the rails when I was turned around 11 (My memory is very much blocked for my childhood I'm guessing it is due to the trauma) anyway I had a few 'dads' however the last two was the worst. She met a man who we found out later was inappropriate with his 15 year old Step daughter and I did have this weird feeling about him especially as he liked to stare a lot and try to take me alone to talk away from my mum, the other man liked to drink (more than normal enough)

So one day she sat me down and asked me to choose between the two of them I said the one who drinks (I didn't realise he had a drinking problem) I was around 12 at this time.

In between this I didn't go to school, I didn't want to go so I didn't - so social got involved - Looking back now I have my own child I realised that all children do this and it is very normal for a kid to say that but my mum should have basically ignored my comments (I missed over a year so my education was impacted for obvious reasons thankfully I got a law degree somehow and started my own business outside the area)

She then got herself into debt with housing, they bailed her out and she gave the keys up right away without telling anyone and the day before she moved I was told she was moving away to live with him and his kids, I came back to all my stuff being thrown in the skip. I didn't even know where I would live - thinking back maybe this was the start of the issues to follow.

She became worse with this man and after a while my lovely Grandparents asked me to live with them for the next few months I said no until one day I felt very unsafe with her and this man. So I moved in but I divided the family.

We never really had much contact with her I did try really hard but it was useless. I think it got even more rocky when her husband was claiming my child benefit and not supporting me with my grandparents and when they realised they could put a claim in, well it didn't go down well did it.

Over the past few months after my grandad death I had a few comments on "How I am rotten to the core" and "How I took away the attention from my other cousins) I just find these comments really hard to swallow as I didn't choose this life.

I have always been judged by the fact I moved out which in my opinion I was forced to leave by how awful both they were both (not giving me clothes at all to wear so all my clothes were a year behind, not buying shampoo etc so in school as you imagine my life was hell because of that) my grandparents even bought me stuff from the shops to try and help me.

I cannot fault my grandparents and I do believe they saved me however the way I am being treated I wish now I did go with social services as most of my family is making out that I destroyed my grandparents/ cousins lives.

I also don't have any more contact with my family or her - she did ask to look after my child but truthfully I wouldn't even get her a house plant to look after never mind my kid and she also made some horrible comments about my grandad abusing her (I cannot confirm if this is true or not but I do know that I wouldn't hand my own child over to someone who hurt me especially as a young child she claimed to be) she did take his money when he died and was very nasty about it as I was dealing with all funeral on my own including sorting his estate out it was so hard.

I just need to know for my own piece of mind if I caused this issue? I wasn't a naughty kid yes I missed school which might make me sound naughty but I honestly wasn't. The guilt i am currently feeling is causing me to stay up at night wondering what I could have done to change it. I even stayed with them when I was in university so I could care for them instead of going away.

I just want to say though I do love my grandparents and I know for sure I wouldn't have got where I am now without them but I do wonder if they regretted looking after me when I asked them if I could leave, it wasn't an easy decision at the time but the moment I moved in with them I felt I could breath again.

x

I have had intense trauma caused by family myself and I still remember the early stages of healing myself. Children typically believe the abuse they received is all their fault and one sided.
It wasn't you, it isn't and wasn't your fault.
Your mother is terrible.

You didn’t cause any of it. Your mum is blaming you for her neglect of you and her own train wreck of a life. She is trying to deflect her guilt on to you. This is really common, I had an abusive childhood and for most of my life felt I was fundamentally an unlovable freak who deserved to be abused and discarded. Over a decade of therapy later, and I no longer believe that about myself.

Your grandparents sound amazing and trust me, you brought light and joy into their lives and they love you. You did the right thing by going to live with them. You were a child, it wasn’t your responsibility to take care of yourself, you needed adults who loved you and cared for you. Your mum had years of chances and she squandered them.

I am glad you are keeping your child away from your mum and having no contact. Stay strong.

You were a child, adults in the family had a duty to look after you. I'm sorry you had such a tough start. It seems you need more barriers to prevent other family members from paasing these nasty comments to you, would you be able to keep away from them?

Absolutely not you - none of it.

It’s not you. If your grandparents ever resented the situation, it was your parents they blamed and not you. They wanted to help you. And they did. Keep on making them proud. You’ve done really well.

It was never your fault. The adults in your life – the people who should have protected you and put you first – let you down, as simple as that. That is 100% on them.

Your mum was dysfunctional and incapable of providing the necessary care and love a child needs to thrive. I don't know what was wrong with her but everything that happened was entirely her responsibility.

Instead of putting you first, she chose dubious men. She neglected you and you were lucky to have your grandparents. As for the rest of the family, they're as dysfunctional as her so try not to take any notice.

You might find NAPAC helpful, they're an organisation for people abused in childhood. Look up C PTSD and see if it resonates, CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker is a good read. I recommend therapy to help you process this. You can find a therapist at BACP.

This is absolutely devastating OP. It wasn't your fault, none of it. You were let down completely by your mother.
Who is making those horrible comments to you now OP?

You were a child and the grown ups around you should have protected you. It sounds like the grandparents tried to do this.

None of it was your fault, this is not your responsibility or guilt.
OP - please try and access some counselling or support so you can unpack this and get help and understanding.

Hi everyone :)

Thank you so much for all your lovely words (I really needed them)

I had a number of comments from my granddad side who stated "I was rotten to the core" and stuff like that, no-one really seems to understand that I was the child and she was the adult. Being a parent now, I can never truly understand her and how she could act the way she did.

I was very careful in my life not drinking, not going out with friends. I had a few serious relationships but I was so scared I would get pregnant and end up like her which is why I am so grateful for my husband who has been great.

I did realise with my heath for example she never really truly cared I was in pain for many years, she wouldn't take me to the doctor once (but my nan/ grandad did) turns it is endo and it is bad! I also had a few miscarriages due to my condition I mentioned above and she showed no compassion in fact blamed me and she even said "I looked older" after my last miscarriage lol.

I will be looking into counselling as well.

We have also decided next year we will move away and distance is needed from everyone who supports her decision to neglect me and allow the men to do the same thing. My uncle did call me again and again expressed he now felt guilty for how he acted back then and how he now realise I was a child and she was the adult? I thought it was obvious but who knows.

I personally find it is no excuse to behave like that but he has to live with that gullit not me and the same with her and the rest of her family.

x

Not you, OP. But (based on my own experience), it can sometimes feel easier to accept the blame on yourself, because otherwise it involves coming to terms with just how badly you were neglected by those who should have had your best interests at heart.

You were a child, none of it was your fault. The adults around you should have protected you. You should never have been in that situation.

It wasn’t your fault and no you couldn’t have done anything differently to change things. So rest easy on that score. Have you had any counselling because it might really help. You had a really awful time of it so well down for getting through that. Xxx

OP. You were a child. You are not to blame at all and even if social services were officially involved they may well have placed you with your grandparents in any event. Please don’t take responsibility for other peoples issues. They are at fault not you.

Please get some counselling sooner rather than later - it will help you believe rather than know that none of this was your fault.
It is a good idea to move away, too.

Moving away is a good idea. Thank god you had your loving grandparents when you needed them, but the relatives who now insult you are no good. Best of luck to you and DH xx

You have kids now OP? If you behaved like your mum, would it be your child's fault?

I used to get stuck like this. Simply put yourself in the other person's shoes and it will become clear very fast.

To put it politely, your mum did not deserve you. Well done on the degree and business. I'm sorry, you didn't deserve to be treated like this and I hope you find a way to make peace with it over time x