Narc mum and messy sibling relationships

[Chasingthesun111]

I have a very toxic and narcissistic mum, an enabling dad and a lot of siblings with a mixed bag of behaviours (quite a few flying monkeys). I have one sister who is 100% the same as me in seeing others toxic behaviour and we are both the scapegoat in this current situation that has been manufactured by our mum. We have been demonised by our mum and some siblings have been her flying monkeys, attacking us for her. We both are no contact with them now.
We have a sister who was appearing to have similar views as us and the three of us discussed our views together, bonded over this, and we trusted each other. After 6 months this sister told us she was going to “try” with mum and so she has been spending lots of time with mum, and no longer discusses the issues within our family with us. Now we don’t feel comfortable talking about our feelings and views on our messy family with this sister because she has completely changed her tune about the family. She had LOTS to say on it before. Now silence.

we have a group chat, and one day after she said she was going to “try”, we were messaging about something we were processing together about our mum, and she messaged the next day saying that she was “triggered” by what we were saying. When I say she said a lot before about mum and toxic subs, she said A LOT. She’s done a full 180 on the subject.

Am I being unreasonable for not trusting her? 😞

Maybe don't talk about your mum to her. Vent about your mum to the sister on the same page as you and try to bond over something else with the other sister.

Set boundaries with her where neither of you talk your mum and have a relationship separate from that. If she becomes a flying monkey then rethink your relationship with her.

I wouldnt trust her.

Id also maybe try spending time with the sister you trust where you dont talk about the family dynamic. You can understand your mum and her monkeys as much as you want but it wont change anything.

And you might be happier just letting them do them

Whether you describe it as respecting her boundary or not trusting her, the best thing would be to stop sharing your feelings about your mum with your sister, for the time being, in any case.

Thanks for your replies—I agree, the less we talk about mum, the better!
This is the first time we’ve built a relationship outside of her control—she kept us triangulated, so we never really spent time together without her.
After everything blew up earlier this year, we were processing trauma, and we really supported each other through it. We’ve even said we want to get to a point where family isn’t part of our conversations anymore.
But when 3rd sister said she wanted to “try” with them, I knew it would change our dynamic. I felt heartbroken and even a bit betrayed (AIBU?). I told her I don’t want them knowing anything about me or my family, and I don’t want to hear about them either. 2nd sister agreed. Yet, next time we saw her, she was talking about mum and her “nice” visit like nothing had happened. We reminded her of our boundary, but next time I’ll stop it immediately.
I know everyone handles trauma differently, but I’m stunned at how easily she’s sweeping it all under the rug and pretending it’s fine.
I get why she’s doing it, but I also don’t—she’s walking back into the fire, and I’m afraid she’ll get burned. She doesn’t see manipulation like we do. I don’t want to stop spending time with her, but I’m worried about her sharing anything about me with them. 😑

I think you are sensible in hoping to have a revised relationship with your 3rd sister where you don’t talk about your mum and that is achievable. It’s ok to “feel” betrayed about her renewing the relationship with her mum. This is some common ground you had that has now been eroded. But alongside these feeling you also need to also recognise that she has to find her own way in life.

I get that you don’t want your mum to hear much about you and the potential of having a closer link feels alarming to you. But the child in you is giving her too much power. You have built enough boundaries that you are much safer now. All of this is putting you on high alert but you can afford to have more faith in the boundaries you have built.

As someone who comes from a complicated family with narc siblings and a mum who made things worse (triangulating etc) I would recommend taking some time to think and assess the relationships on your own. What helped me was keeping a diary over a few years as I had a habit of justifying bad behaviour and minimising it. But it was affecting my mental health badly and writing it down helped me realise why I was feeling so bad.

I still see my family but have much stronger mental boundaries. I see most of my siblings occasionally when needed (family gathering etc) which happens around once a year at the most for an hour or two. I see my mum about 4 times a year and she needs help as she is getting older. I had to make a conscious decision to do this and it's helped my health as well as my children a lot.