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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel annoyed when my DM compares my life to my brother’s?

11 replies

zagazig · 24/07/2025 13:34

I have three kids and work full time so life is full on. Sometimes I just mention that I have a lot on, not in a moany or dramatic way, just as a fact. But every time I do, my DM jumps in with something like, "Well your brother is busy too" or "It's not just you who's tired."

My younger brother still lives at home with her. He doesn’t have kids or a partner. My mum does all the cooking and cleaning for him. He works a regular 9-5 job but doesn’t have any hobbies or much of a social life. He mostly watches sports on TV in his spare time.

I'm not saying that people without kids can't be busy. Of course they can. But realistically he has a lot more freedom than I do. He doesn’t have the constant responsibilities that come with raising children and running a household.

It’s like she’s trying to put us on the same level when we’re clearly not juggling the same things. I find it really frustrating when I mention feeling overwhelmed and she immediately brings him into it, as if I'm being unfair or exaggerating.

What frustrates me even more is that my mum had four kids herself and worked, so it’s not like she doesn’t know how intense it can be. You’d think she’d be a bit more understanding when I say I’ve got a lot on, rather than jumping to defend my brother every time.

AIBU to find this really annoying?

OP posts:
MyGentleDenimEagle · 24/07/2025 13:36

Parents that do this are the worst.

Robin67 · 24/07/2025 13:37

Is he her "baby"/ golden child?

HardworkSendHelp · 24/07/2025 13:40

That is so bloody annoying. I might get to put my ass on a seat about 9.30pm after being on the go from 6.30am and my mother will ring me looking for me to do something. My brother lives in the house with her and she will ring me as he is tired or working hard. All food is made for him, washing down etc. How in the god lords name can he be tired. People who work, run a house and look after kids are more tired. THE END!!

GatherlyGal · 24/07/2025 13:40

That would drive me up the wall OP!

We all joke in my family about how DB is golden boy and how his achievements are so much more significant than anything us other 3 siblings do.

He's finally lost his no. 1 position by living a long way away and generally not meeting expectations 😂

HardworkSendHelp · 24/07/2025 13:44

Just came into my head I have one fiesty teen daughter who is rightly into her womens rights and she just calls her Granny out all the time. "Why do you ask Mum to do that, why can't X do it as Mum is way busier than him" Or why can't you do it yourself. Wish I could be like her but I am such a people pleaser quiet life kind of girl.

Illegally18 · 24/07/2025 13:53

Robin67 · 24/07/2025 13:37

Is he her "baby"/ golden child?

There's the issue right there!

Futureisbleak9273 · 24/07/2025 14:03

What do you say when she says this? Call her out on it. Say that cant possibly be true, he has no kids and lives with you! Why do you keep saying it?
Call her out every time.
I think she may say it because she's fully aware that he doesn't have any of those things

zagazig · 24/07/2025 14:04

Futureisbleak9273 · 24/07/2025 14:03

What do you say when she says this? Call her out on it. Say that cant possibly be true, he has no kids and lives with you! Why do you keep saying it?
Call her out every time.
I think she may say it because she's fully aware that he doesn't have any of those things

I do call it out when she says it. I’ve told her that it's just not the same, and pointed out the differences in our lives. But she still insists he’s just as busy, which honestly feels ridiculous. It’s like she refuses to see the reality of how different our situations are.

I’m not saying he’s doing nothing with his life, but come on – no kids, no house to run, all meals and chores done for him and spends most of his free time watching sport. Meanwhile I’m juggling work, parenting, school stuff, housework, appointments – the lot.

It just makes me feel like I’m not allowed to say I’m overwhelmed without it turning into some weird competition.

OP posts:
FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 24/07/2025 14:08

zagazig · 24/07/2025 14:04

I do call it out when she says it. I’ve told her that it's just not the same, and pointed out the differences in our lives. But she still insists he’s just as busy, which honestly feels ridiculous. It’s like she refuses to see the reality of how different our situations are.

I’m not saying he’s doing nothing with his life, but come on – no kids, no house to run, all meals and chores done for him and spends most of his free time watching sport. Meanwhile I’m juggling work, parenting, school stuff, housework, appointments – the lot.

It just makes me feel like I’m not allowed to say I’m overwhelmed without it turning into some weird competition.

How annoying, I feel for you OP! Could you respond differently? Like in a puzzled way, say, ‘I didn’t mention DB’. I’m just telling you that I’m quite busy and tired atm.

JDM625 · 24/07/2025 16:44

My MIL is similar. She will call DH to come and change a lightbulb, oil a creaky hinge or check the settings on her TV. We both work full time and live 1hr round trip away.

DH asks why his sister, BIL or their 3 teen/adult children can't help? 'Well I don't want to bother them, they are SO busy'.

Oh, did I mention that SIL/BIL and all the the kids live WITH my in-laws in the same house!!! 🙄

Elsvieta · 24/07/2025 20:38

Push back, every time.

Her: He's sooo busy!!!
You: No he's not, he doesn't have kids, he has you waiting on him like a servant, and when he's not working he's on his backside watching sport.
Her: Nooo, he's busy, he's tired, he does as much as you!!!
You: No he doesn't, I look after my kids and do my own housework, so that's not true at all. Funny how you don't see that, seeing as you used to be in the same boat. Odd how the standards you set for what can be expected of men are so much lower.

Repeat as many times as it takes. Calm and factual, but don't back down.

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