50 forgotten and f***** off

[grandiflora1]

Hi I want to ask some advice and guidance. I’ve just turned 50 and never felt so deflated and disappointed in my life. I turned 50 a couple of weeks ago- went away with my husband and children. I have sisters and an elderly mother who live over an hour away. In the past I’ve helped coordinate, plan and attend birthdays and events in their lives. Sitting in amongst their neighbours and friends celebrating their milestones. While I was away and on my birthday- I was texted by my sisters and mother wishing me a happy birthday. On return home- no cards and gifts awaited me from them- two eventually arrived late. I was disappointed beyond belief as I always try to call on their birthdays and give thoughtful and timely gifts and presents. One of my sisters reached out and booked a restaurant near where my sisters and mother live for a couple of weeks after to “celebrate “ my 50th .. such an afterthought and really poor in my view- location suiting them so I’d have to travel- i wasn’t at all enthusiastic about this piecemeal attempt at a celebration . In order to wrestle back some control I advised my sister who booked it that I would prefer to go to a restaurant in the city where I live in a couple of weeks so booked the restaurant myself. They have agreed to come. I’m now having second thoughts of going through with this lunch- which is a half arsed affair that I’ve had to book myself and I feel very hurt. I just thought they could have made more of an effort. I’ve had a rough number of years- husband with a mismanaged mental health condition- hugely affecting my life and prospects. I would like any advice or guidance - please be gentle as I’m upset and emotional and so so disappointed..

Hi OP, no advice or guidance really just wanted to say that I completely empathise and understand. It was my 40th a few weeks ago and not one person did anything. Felt very upset and hurt because I took put effort in. Have largely decided to cancel my birthdays moving forwards and celebrate alone doing something special to me.

You will get a lot responses saying that you are being daft, however I was 50 recently and I was hurt at the lack of real thought my family put in. I know it is silly as an adult and I got gifts but only things I had on my amazon gift list, no one spent any time thinking of extra treats I may enjoy, even silly inexpensive ones. A couple of my friends made more of an effort with really thoughtful gifts. It did make me feel a bit sad but it also made me reflect on my own feelings about gift giving and perhaps I need to stress less on it and just give more simple presents in the future.

You went on holiday with your own family- husband and kids. It varies by relatives but I don't think siblings tend to plan much for siblings birthdays? It tends to fall on the family you created.

Bear it in mind for the future, that your sisters don't care about cards, calls, events or gifts.

Did you move away from your sisters and mum, and they booked a restaurant in your ‘home town’? Because, TBH, I don’t think that they are being unreasonable in that aspect. Gifts arriving late is a bit crappy though - unless they were worried about them being left on the doorstep while you were away.
In my family we tend to organise our own celebrations, or our spouses/partners do it, rather than siblings or parents.

Who did you expect to be the instigator for a celebration for you? Because in most cases, it tends to be your significant other who arranges an event and invites other people. No excuses for late gifts, but I've never known anyone with a life partner who'd expect it to be their mother and sisters who arranged the celebration for their 50th.

Thanks all for the responses. I suppose my partner isn’t really in the best place to arrange the party due to his own mental health issue. My family are well aware of this - I have in the past stepped in and assisted their husbands with arranging, coordinating and attending their own special events. I booked the few days away - my partner wasn’t in the mental space to do it.. I suppose I suspected that nothing would be arranged so planned ahead. There was no late gifts- just two overdue birthday cards. I suppose my dilemma is whether I go through with the lunch that I arranged or cancel.

Happy 50th 🥰💐

I would go through with the lunch. Hope that your husband's MH improves.

I stepped right back from family birthdays and my parents birthdays also. I realised they just don’t bother with any real effort on our birthdays. I was spending over £100 on food and drink for everyone’s birthday meal I would host. They did not arrange anything for my 50th in fact I had to pick up the bill on my own 50th birthday! I stopped that year and I will never do anything of note again.

Obligatory present and a birthday wish. I usually go away now too for my birthday and theirs! Leave it upto my siblings to take up the birthday mantle.

50 is the year to set yourself free get use to stepping back and redefining your role.

Happy 50th.

I'm sorry you didn't have a good birthday. 50 is a big milestone.

For me, it was a time to hugely re-evaluate my life. I decided I wouldn't see people I didn't want to see, go to things I didn't want to go to or do things I didn't want to do. And I've tried to stick by that in the years since. To celebrate I organised a huge party, which meant that loads of people came bearing gifts.

You went away, so giving people less opportunity but I do think it was mean of your mum and sister not to send anything at all. And to book a lunch near them, unless they thought you'd love the venue or place or going there?

Do you want to go to the lunch? If so, go. If you don't, cancel saying you've got something else on. And stop making so much effort for other people and focus on making an effort for yourself. If your dh can't step up, sort out things you want to do / places you want to go as a gift to yourself. Good luck whatever you decide.

I'm sorry, OP, that certain people are shit and you don't feel happy about your 50th.
I'm dreading mine a bit.
The thing is, other people are quite happy to claim your time and energy, but not that ready to think and give something back. It's quite a milestone and everyone should enjoy it their own way.
Do stuff for yourself, put yourself first.
Some good points from others here.
Not much advice from a 46 yo, but I get it.
💐

Kindly, I think birthdays mean more to you than to them. My dh is always very keen to go away for my birthday, discussing it and wanting to make it special. I go along with it as it makes him happy but I don’t really care as long as I have a nice dinner. I don’t make half the effort for him. I never arranged parties for my dc 21st etc, just gave them a meal and special gift. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them, it does mean I’m not prepared to make a massive effort for birthdays. Would your dsis be cross if you didn’t bother? Or would they not really care? The answer to that would determine how I would feel.

If you don’t want to go to the lunch then don’t. Maybe just go with your DH or some friends instead? I don’t think your family have been great with the presents and cards and afterthought of the lunch, BUT I do think a lot of people do arrange their own birthday plans to avoid disappointment. Certainly that’s the norm in my family and friends group anyway! I would say you should match their energy moving forward if it’s something that upsets you.

Id go through with the lunch. You presumably enjoy their company and will be having a nice time in your venue of choice, so why cut your nose off to spite your face? OK, so your family have fallen short of your expectations in this case. But you love them, and they love you? If you needed something you could ask? If so, that's not so bad. If your H has MH issues your life cannot be easy, so in your shoes I'd be looking to create as little upset in other areas of life as possible. If that involved booking my own lunch to enjoy with my family, then I'd accept good rather than perfect.

Stop everything.

No more birthday cards.

No more birthday presents.

No more arranging parties or gifts or surprises.

And yes, cancel the lunch.

I know it will go against your values but I think you should be less thoughtful and generous towards those who don't reciprocate in future. Also you may need to lower your expectations so that you aren't disappointed.

Thanks to all for the kindness and guidance. Have a lump in my throat reading through the messages. I also appreciate the different perspectives which are making me think 🤔.. I also don’t want to be a 50 year old hypersensitive woman.. I don’t want to have a victim mentality going forward.. I know I should alter my expectations of people and will going forward.. however I can’t emphasise how difficult the last few years have been-my husbands mental health issues have affected my life- and my family are aware of my whole traumatic and very very difficult past decade. My husband diagnosed with bipolar and in the past refused to accept it- He Has become very unwell in the past with manic episodes- bipolar.. culminating in losing jobs, criminal damage and a resulting ongoing criminal court process- extremely stressful. He has now finally accepted his diagnosis and is accepting treatment and doing well. However he will most likely lose his job and we will be dragged through a public court process… never ending worry and stress. I just wanted somone else to think of me for a change.. and make a fuss of me.

This

I don't think my brother even knew when I turned 50 . I know we're all different, but it wouldn't even occur to me to get angry about that fact - but we are really not that close.

I get that everyone is different but if I had planned to go away with my family for my 50th that would be all I was expecting really. I wouldn’t expect anything from my parents or brother apart from a text and maybe a present next time I saw them. Maybe my standards are low though!

@grandiflora1 crikey OP - so sorry to read your update - that sounds so very hard. I totally understand why you would want some support shown from your siblings Unfortunately most times people are wrapped up in their own lives.

Take heart OP. I never forgot when I was a child , a friend, who was about 10 told me birthday parties and even birthdays were only for very young children i.e. not for her at 10!. Her parents had clearly told her this and she seemed to think it was completely normal!

I think your issues are probably with your husband rather than your family, it all sounds extremely stressful and pretty miserable tbh and that is making you feel like you need more from them than is realistic.

You were also away for your birthday so it's not like your family could arrange to do something on the day or bring presents over. Perhaps birthdays just aren't that important to them like they are to you? To me they're more for kids than adults.

Obviously going forward you don't need to knock yourself out for them either - but remember even when they did organise something you still weren't happy with it and reorganised it yourself anyway.

Happy birthday OP. Sorry it was a bit rubbish.

It sounds you are the person your family considers as the organiser and doer. Plus your husband's health difficulties meant he couldn't be leant on to step in.

The downside of being a very capable and together person is that people assume you don't need or want to be treated or spoiled. I was 50 last year and I would have loved to have had celebrations organised by someone else but I realised if I didn't do it myself I would be disappointed. My husband is rubbish with stuff like that, he has zero imagination and because he would not particularly want or even enjoy surprise celebrations/made a fuss of it does not occur to him that anyone else would. I also earn quite a lot more and he's developed the attitude that I don't need to be treated because I can afford to treat myself anytime. That's not the point ...

I organised a dinner for us and our friends on the day, a party at the weekend (husband did buy the champagne but I had to ask him to and some friends organised some funny games and activities though I did ask them to) and then we went on a short holiday with our youngest, somewhere I'd always fancied. I arranged and paid for everything, which grated a bit but I really enjoyed it all and at least I got the celebrations I wanted! My parents took me out for and birthday lunch and gave me a spa voucher about 6 months later 😂

It's a bit shit but sometimes all there is left to do is to take control. I hope you do go to the lunch and enjoy yourself.

Poor you OP. Bipolar can be so devastating, having had personal experience although nowhere near as bad as what you’re describing, I just want to say it is okay to leave. If it’s too much and you might find you are able to offer more support as a friend. Don’t let him take you down with him

I think you need to throw off the shackles of family expectations and go make your own fun. You’ve earned it. It’s time to join some kind of club/group, meet like-minded people, start a weird hobby, anything that means you are you and not someone else’s wife/dogsbody/general secretary!

Big hugs 🤗
Happy belated 50th !
I always say never expect anything from anyone and that way your never disappointed! And if u do get showered with gifts or thoughtful things it’s a bonus !
I’m 50 next year I’m not expecting anything !
And I don’t go mad for anyone elses bdays only my family children and husband !
That way I can never b disappointed
At 50 u need to start pleasing yourself u wont get any thanks for anything u do for anyone else plus look how u feeling now change things now
example do what u want and dont do stuff u really dont wanna do ! That way u b happier x