Can someone explain why I behave like this?

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It probably will sound ridiculous as I’m a woman in my late 40’s but I will sound like a teenager! I don’t know how to explain it so I will just write it and may have to add to it as I go along. So in summary I come across like I have a crush on my managers - I definitely don’t! But my behaviour comes across like this. I’m married and a mum so I’m not remotely trying but I think I come across like I do. I’ve been sat here cringing at my behaviour. It’s not a recent thing but I’m getting fed up of it now. I just get really nervous around male managers and tongue tied and can’t talk to them. I constantly think about how I’m coming across and blush when talking to them. Please help me! I’m thinking of leaving my current job as it’s been noticed by people,

I think my current manager thinks I fancy him and I don’t blame him as my behaviour is ridiculous. Why do I do this? Is it imposter syndrome? Is it anything I can work on and change? I’m so embarrassed. I keep replaying the last few days in my head. I’m on annual leave now as I’m term time only so won’t see them till september. I’m so embarrassed

What was your relationship with each of your parents when you were a child?

Was one of them emotionally distant - were you always trying to connect or seek their approval?

Do you overthink in other areas of your life or is it on with authority figures?

@Mullingar i overthink everything! Both parents were distant and not really involved in my life. Thank you for replying to me - I’m feeling really embarrassed about the last day of work! I went to say bye to him and wish him a good summer but I got all red and stumbled my words! I’m so embarrassed. Then I apologied for something and then apologised again for apologising! I must have come across as crazy! I’m surprised I still have a job lol

Does anyone have any tips on the blushing and nervousness?

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Are you not used to being around men? Don’t you have male friends?

You suggest it’s only an issue with male managers — so not male colleagues in general, just managers?

Are you able to confide in your husband or a close friend about this so that they could maybe do some role playing with you to practice what to say in these situations.

I’ve done training courses where they bring actors in for people to practice difficult conversations with. Do you have friend you could admit this problem to and practice with them? Practice using a non emotional tone of voice, etc. If you can’t do that, practice in front of a mirror maybe?

Another trick can be to think of something else, eg something sad, before you go to speak to them, to distract yourself. Part of the problem may be that because you are expecting this to happen to you, you cause it to happen.

I had this with male managers or any male colleague senior/more experienced.
Even with male clients who were senior in their own role or wealthy.

I am constantly seeking approval and validation from men, even those I have no interest in.
Unconsciously, I consider the merits of every man as a potential partner. Even though I have a wonderful DH!

I had a complicated relationship with my father and a difficult childhood.

I’m now self employed and work alone!!! That’s the answer!!

No need to confirm or deny but if you've experienced sexual abuse before it can be a common thing to interact with men in a flirty way, which I know sounds really odd but it happens.
It may also be social anxiety. Maybe look for talking therapies, you may be able to self-refer. It should say on the NHS website how to make a referral in your area.

Do you feel inferior with your male managers e.g. like your lower in rank and status.
Is that what makes you nervous, blush, tongue tied etc...

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Oh my word I feel your pain. I'm a lifelong blusher and sometimes at work it's incredibly embarrassing - and like you, I'm an anxious Alice so then I start to anticipate the blush which makes it so much worse! Argh!

I think it's gotten better over the years as I've Judy learned to really focus on what I'm saying and stay calm/ in the moment when I feel it coming on. That or suggesting walking and talking, or doing an activity like making a coffee so you're not making direct eye contact.

dont quit a job you like for this, please, this might help you work through it.

It sounds like you’re exhibiting the fawn response and that’s giving the wrong impression. It sounds like you’re very anxious every time you interact with them so maybe that’s triggering it. Have you ever talked to anyone or gotten psychological help for this?

Agree with others asking how you generally interact with men, whether they typically make you anxious, etc.

This could make it worse depending on the outcome of the role playing 😂

I blush often too whenever my blood pressure rises. I know it’s not the same as your situation but it has been misread by others before. I’ve been asked why I’m blushing around people. Even being around one person in particular who I don’t like I end up all red cheeked by the end of a conversation.

I just shrug it off and say I get hot flashes, or I feel hot. Maybe you could say you get hot flashes and you find it embarrassing or uncomfortable?

It could be limerence?

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-neurodivergent-therapist/202501/limerence-attachment-styles-and-recovery/amp

I’ve been exactly like this OP and im early 50s so can totally relate

Yes, agree it could be a fawn response. But also it could be a specific social anxiety - the clue is that you describe being super focused on how you are coming across. This internal focus is typical of social anxiety and a clue. In this specific situation you want to come across well and you are not sure you will, so you have safety behaviors of overthinking and analysing and self criticism which are creating a feedback loop. The behaviors create the problem. The good news is that there's good ways to tackle it www.getselfhelp.co.uk/social-anxiety-self-help/

I experienced this once. It was so bad that on one occasion I wasn’t aware they’d approached me until they spoke. The surprise added to my usual awkwardness caused my reply to be something like, “oh, nrgh, er flmnerg, um.” They actually rolled their eyes and walked away. It was arse clenchingly embarrassing.

Luckily for for me it wasn’t a work situation but it was someone I saw frequently. And, unlike you, I did have a massive crush on them which was entirely inappropriate so also embarrassing.

What I did, which might be helpful to you, is from then on when I saw them I would sort of take a second to steel myself. My words were still friendly but I managed to be far more reserved, detached (something like that). It worked for me (and they were probably mighty relieved 😬)

Yes make colleagues in completely fine with it’s only those senior to me

I have experienced SA. Close make family member when I was 7 or 8. I also think I have social anxiety but I seem to be fine around non-male seniors

Thank you everyone. I’m sorry I didn’t reply to all your questions but I will get around to it this morning. I haven’t slept very well because I keep thinking of my male manager. I literally can’t stop worrying about how I come across. I’ve had a letter for my son’s medical appointment which falls on my first day back to work so I have to speak to my manager! I feel so worried. I’m going to leave as long as possible.

truthfully I think I want him to like me. He actually really does value me as he keeps renewing my contract. I feel like this around every male manager I have had. I’m really embarrassed as some people have seen me around him and I know they also think I fancy him. I get so nervous around him. I’m such an idiot. I feel like I’m playing him if that makes sense? I’m not interested in him but I’m making him think I am. Thank God I’m fat and ugly so he’s not interested! I really like him as a person and think he’s a lovely guy.

@JLou08 sorry for typos. It doesn’t out be edit now but I meant to say MALE not make

Ok.

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