Partner brings me down, rather than picking me up.

[13MAPARTHELL]

So, we have a 4 & 3 year old.
our 4 year old is extremely difficult and has highly suspected ADHD, which is incredibly hard to deal with. I dont drive (money) & all of our family basically fucked off after the kids. We have no ‘family’ friends between us, and generally we have many limitations & quite frankly, both of us absolutely despise parenthood so far.

dad works long hours, leaves at 4 in at 6, puts one to bed and falls asleep at 7. I try to talk to him but he falls asleep during me speaking. Weekends are just exhausting and stressful, and it’s becoming really evident we are pulling eachover down rather than up.

he clearly feels our life is bleak, because it mainly is. i feel the same way, but I have moments where I really try to up the energy & be silly, have some sort of fun with him but he can never have fun, he is just so anti climatic, we are clearly both just really struggling and myself feeling really lonely.

I just dont know what to do

this is not how we saw things would go, there is very little happiness sadly in our life

It might be time to have a chat about the future and look at making some changes, for example he can't continue those hours, no wonder he's exhausted. Is there any support in the area? Things like parent groups, even if it's online, might provide some support. Like this: www.facebook.com/groups/adhdukparents/

I don't think blaming your partner is going to help this situation much. He sounds exhausted, as do you.

How are the family finances? I'm assuming you don't work, would it be any better if you did and DC went to nursery a few days a week - I'm thinking to give you a break rather than to get in more money tbh.

Are you in an area where the 4yo can get a 'free' nursery place? When do they go to school?

With young kids it's often about surviving until they're in school. Then you'll have more child free time and probably more money.

You’re both existing rather than living. That’s ok for a short period of time but if there’s no plan around the corner or things which are going to change for the better it’s no wonder it’s a drag…
your dp job sounds v intense - with a long commute? If you haven’t got ties to the area can do consider moving or changing roles? You definitely need to investigate what support is available for your dc too.
if you can’t make time for a family movie or trip to the park without a tonne of stress it’s a real shame but it sounds like even if he wanted to he hadn’t got anything left in the tank…

Im not blaming him, its not his fault I know.
but on the weekends, I try really hard to you know make that effort to be silly, and naturally hes just become very moody etc, but he has so much fun at work and has work friends that he has such a laugh with, which hes never had. Its a really hard one, I do actually work for the home office, but he was unemployed for a little while and now we have a whole ton of debts making it hard for us to move forward, I mean at one point I was doing overtime till 3/4am just to try pay off chunks etc.
This is where its hard as even when in school (September) I have to go back full time to pay off these debts, maybe then it will all feel a little lighter. My sons behaviour is absolutely awful, really bad, im hoping school will help him

If you absolutely despise parenthood why did you have a second child?

sorry to hear this OP - it sounds like you’re being stoic in a difficult situation while your partner isn’t making as much effort to manage his emotions

I grew up as an only child in a miserable abusive household with parents who were older than average for the time - but I realise my Dad who was 36 at the time i was born wasn’t ‘older’ really - my mum was 41 when I was born.

i put my miserable circumstances down to being an only child with older parents but I think I did this because my parents would always make a great play about being ‘older’ - I used to think people with younger parents were much happier and those who had brothers and sisters were happier - cos - more people.

Now I realise it’s the emotional immaturity of my parents that made it a miserable household not the more objective realities of being in an ‘only child’ household with older parents. Only children of mature, positive parents thrive and aren’t miserable

• I’ve seen it with my own eyes!!

From your description you’re in a miserable difficult situation and you’ve got 2 children. I think you’re brave and making an effort though OP and your DP isn’t. My mum was different from you she drank a lot - and made things worse.

I do get where you’re coming from we have an autistic son and I have chronic pain. Dh supports us both, he works a 9-5 job mon-Fri he’s well paid we have no money worries.. He walks the dog everyday except the 3 days we have a dog walker. he does the heavier jobs like beds, hoover, garden and sometimes more if I have a relapse. I’d say it’s rough on both of us but I make an effort to have nice times with ds but dh is often grumpy and miserable. I’ve suggested counselling , support group, mediation (all of which have helped me) but he refuses and continues to be miserable.
it’s tough because you want to support each other but in that situation you end up supporting him and no one is supporting you.

as per my post, they are 13 months apart, I believe my first was only 3 months old when I got pregnant again. I couldn’t predict he would have a neurological condition … and my family would back away so much etc

Hit the nail on the head!

yes 6 hours commute there and back.
he was unemployed, he had an ACL tear & had to stop work, stop fitness stuff & hes a builder really struggling to find work, he found this job where hes having a blast on site, hes pay is increasing & such. Its really hard as life has been very dependant on his situation, through no fault of his own. Hes happy at work, but im miserable at home because im now very unsupported. For example, I also work from home so I dont speak to a soul, and i could make a plan to meet a friend and then hes in traffic, plan cancelled etc. there are quite a few men on site whos partners have left them, which is sad but they also have young kids and for the same reasons. I wouldnt do that, im basically running on empty & for example last week someone actually offered to have the kids for a day on his birthday (this has never happened) he was too tired and said to just cancel it.

This is it, even getting in the car is incredibly stressful, all my childs emotions are extremely intense, its super jarring

Ultimately there are a lot of connected parts which amount to a big ball of mess. You need to come up with a plan (together with dp) for what are the bigger stressors and which are fixable. Questions id be asking myself would be:

How to solve DP job / commute. The 6h commute a day is a bit mad. Do the laborers onsite have lodgings - if he tried that would he have more energy over the weekend for you/his family? How long is this job going on for - another year? If you wfh could you consider moving to be closer to site?

DC care and behaviours. Is DS in nursery from sept? There are some charity-run clubs for sen kids and the local offer from your council over summer hols might be worth a look? Have you spoken to GP around your DC intense emotions - might be health instead of/as well as behavioral difficulties?

OP life. It sounds also like you’re at home waiting for dp to help / give you lifts etc. You can’t put your life on pause - can you agree some budget for buses / taxis etc, or, if DP is onsite lodgings you drop him off and otherwise keep the car? You need some grown up friends - is there a book club? Couch to 5k? Or some other activity that takes an hour or two that aligns to your DC care (or could family supervise at least that?)

PS - I think it’d be worth someone taking the kids for his birthday to give YOU a break - even if DP was zonked at home, it’s important you get rest too!

Being honest, there have been several times since having kids that DP and I have nearly split up, and I’ve found myself scrolling through the ‘divorce/separation’ boards in the middle of the night. Trying to juggle everything is hard, trying to pay the bills, young kids are just exhausting, and it’s so easy to stop communicating because you’re both so damn tired and resentful. I’m very glad that we hung in there and kept going though - in the end we’re stronger for it, the kids are teenagers now, and life has got a lot easier. You’re going through a challenging time - try to keep talking and even if it feels hard, try to do little things for each other - a back rub, running a warm bath, making favourite meals… you might need to tell him what you want, but keep talking and keep trying if you still basically like each other.