AIBU to be narked that dh wants to play tennis tonight when I've just cooked a really nice dinner?

[fillybuster]

Hmmm...I suspect I am, but anyway, opinions please...!

DH lost his father suddenly 9 weeks ago so I'm trying to be supportive, give him space etc etc. We had dc2 about 16 weeks ago, so its been difficult...

Anyway, he's taken up tennis again and I've been quite supportive, esp as his father died of heart failure. Sunday night he went to play at 8pm and we agreed we'd eat together when he got back - so I made dinner and timed it for about 9.15pm. At 9.20 he phoned to say tennis had run on, it was 1 set all, could he stay to finish. I was upset but agreed and ate a burnt dinner on my own (he had burnt remains when he finally got home after 10).

Today he rang from work to check he could play again tonight. I wouldn't normally mind, but I've literally just finished cooking the dinner he requested for tonight. Oh, and I was looking forward to some adult company after being with two dcs all day...

So I said 'yes' subject to him being home in time to have dinner around 8.45 as I really don't want to eat too late. He got eggy and said I'm BU and that it shouldn't matter if he's out until 9-ish. I feel like I'd like a nice normal evening with him at home, and I'd like some help putting kids to bed and finishing off the cooking - AIBU to expect him to help out or should I be more understanding?

By the way, I should be clear right now that he's usually super good about sharing workloads, so this is quite a specific issue!!!

Thanks for letting me unload

It sounds like you both just need to make a few adjustments to take account of his new hobby.

I think you need to agree with him that say 2 evenings are his tennis nights in advance, he can sort his own dinner out those nights or you will but he'll have to reheat it. That way you don't have this uncertainty.

As a tennis player here, in his defence it is really hard to call a halt to a game at a particular time unless you agree with the opponent(s) which would be quite unusual.
So it's hard to say for sure that he will finish by a particular time if they are playing a proper match.

So it would be better imho for him to just say he's playing tennis on e.g. weds night and then leave it at that without promising to be home for a particular time which just messes you around.

Do you have an equivalent hobby which you could do one or two nights a week so that you won't resent his time away from the kids? This would help a lot - dh and I both play tennis and take it in turns to play different nights but with a couple of weeknights where neither of us plays so we get time together. It works well for us.

Thanks I do understand the difficulty in halting a game before the end, and I am really pleased he's found something to enjoy (even if I don't sound like it), just a bit frustrated. I don't really have a separate evening hobby and tbh would be a bit sad if I was also out for 2 nights a week if that meant dh and I only got 3 nights a week in together. But at the same time, yes, I think I need to find a way of feeling less 'hard done by' as its a bit ridiculous...definitely like your suggestion that he sorts out his own dinner. Does that mean IABU?

I read this as AIBU to be naked .......

I think you both need to agree your plans in advance so there is no dinner to be burnt. And if he is out a few times a week, so should you be.

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We are minus children for two nights, was cooking dinner for DP ( nothing seductive etc- just dinner)
He rings and says that he is going to 'shoot some holes' ( I think he means go to the golf range, I dont recall him taking up basketball recently anyway)

Im glad, I can watch Tv and mnet in peace. Bliss

Let him go.,

My firsyt thought in this situation is "Oh good, more for me" but I am greedy

You need to sort this issue going forward. Let him go tonight but (another day, probably at the weekend) you need to sit down and talk about how much notice you need if your DH is going to play tennis and not be home at the usual time.

My partner is a tennis player too, and I expect 24 hours' notice at least if he is going to play after work and be late for dinner.

I also expect 24 hours notice if he is eating in a Michelin 3* restaurant and is not going to want to eat in the evening

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No Cod - it's not "only food". It's fillybuster's time spent shopping and cooking in anticipation of a nice evening with her DH. So, in fact, several hours energy and leisure. And she has no alternative plans.

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Good point Anna - my dh has a habit of doing that too!

Thanks everyone...I think it was just the lack of notice coupled with having just spent the last hour making the dinner he had requested this morning......in theory a night or two on my own with MN, the remote and a nice bottle of white is no hardship, I'm just annoyed that it has to be tonight...

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I'm sure you'll be able to raise the issue in such a way and at such a time that your DH will understand completely

Normally it would be only food but foolishly I'd been looking forward to a nice night in with dh so had put some effort into the 'only food'. Hey ho, it isn't that important - the bit that got me was being made to feel I was being totally unreasonable when he spoke to me at 4.30pm and I'd already done the cooking/shopping etc.

yabu

I think filly's a saint to be cooking dinner so lovingly when her DC2 is only 16 weeks

Cod is right tho, there's no real diff between 8.45 and 9 - I think I just wanted some recognition of the effort I had put in. In the grand scheme more important he plays, i think

Anna, am so far from being a saint you have no idea....

Don't beat yourself up [stern emoticon]

Your DH deserves tennis, you deserve dinner on time. The two of you must negotiate and cooperate

I don't think you are being that unreasonable. You need to sort out in advance when he's going to be playing tennis if it's as often as every couple of days.

It's not so much the ruined meal that would annoy me as wanting the other parent home to help when I had a 16 week old.

Now the kids are older I don't care how often dh goes out. With two babies, I'd've minded a lot

I tinhk that he was quite decent to call up and explain he was late.

come to an agreement about which nights he would like to play tennis andthen tell him he can cook his own tea, or have sometihng ready when he gets in. I can symapthise but at least he isnt phoning from the pub to say "sorry luv its gone to penalties gonna have to stay anothe half hour!!!"

so YANBU but you need to let him have his time without getting stressed [smiel]

I read that as AIBU to be really naked..... and then caught the DH and tennis bit. Did confuse me lots

Ooh good NAB, I wasn't the only one

OP, I guess it depends on how many times a week he is out. If he is normally very good around the house then I don't think it is too bad....but you have a very young baby and another child and I totally understand the needing to talk to an adult at the end of the day.

I think he needs to give you more notice so you don't go to too much trouble with dinner.

I sent him an SMS saying 'play tennis, its fine, sorry for being ridiculously needy'. Bless him, he came home early (well, 7pm is v early for him) to help with last bit of bedtime and is insisting on staying home tonight on the grounds that it really isn't like me to get upset so something must be wrong. It probably is, a bit, as I'm a hormonal wreck at the moment and had a 'procedure' on my fanjo on Friday to deal with post-natal issues....anyway, we'll agree some ground rules as he definitely needs to be able to play guilt free tennis and I need to know in advance

Very amused at the narked/naked thing...NAKED tennis would be soooo much more interesting...