To be pretty much at end of my wits with eldest child

[3kiddosandme]

Hi,
Abit of background, 3 kids aged 10(almost 11) 3 years and 5 years. My eldest has adhd and possible asd which we are currently in the process of waiting for an assessment for asd.
Im completely at a point where I feel like I want to give up with my eldest, he acts very infantile for his age, running around the house daily screaming from the minute he wakes up for no reason at all and acting like a toddler taking soap out of the bathroom and mixes potions with it, ruins his clothes either by tying them together and making things from them or stains them by wiping food all over them, purposely bullies the younger 2 kids, screams at them, kicks them, smashes their toys, makes noises in the night and pretends to be a monster to scare them and make them cry all while laughing and thinking its funny, he chases the cat around the house when she clearly wants to be left alone and will laugh at the fact that she's running away and trying to hide. He is becoming increasingly awful to everyone in the house including me, I just keep being told this is normal behaviour, surely this isn't normal behaviour for an almost 11 year old, I've tried to explain that this behaviour isn't acceptable and that he needs to start acting more age appropriate but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Children with ADHD develop much more slowly, from the research theyve done you have to give them leeway and think of them as 30% younger than they are so your 11yr old is realistically more like a 7yr old.
You need to educate yourself on children with ADHD so you can parent your ADHD child effectively, it will help when you understand them and keep in mind your younger two may also end up having ASD or ADHD also.

You started by saying he's diagnosed ADHD and to be assessed for ASD. So, not it is absolutely not 'normal' NT behaviour, but why would you expect this given the context
He maybe doesn't understand what you mean by age appropriate, or cannot control impulses with the ADHD.

Yes hes diagnosed adhd, takes medication for that, but the consultant hes under has also referred for an "autism" assessment if that makes sense

I have a 7yr old and none of that behaviour is appropriate for a 7yr old either. Especially smashing up younger siblings things.

Im not saying it is, I'm trying to get op to understand that her expectations need to come down and learn about how to parent a 7yr old with ADHD and possible ASD, they will not be effectively parented the same way.

Its the adhd more than likely that is causing a lot of that behaviour. Sounds like dopamine seeking . I'd look into other ways of getting him the dopamine that he needs

I imagine you're frustrated, but you have to remember none of this is a deliberate choice. He's coping the only way he can.

You might find it helpful to join a group with other parents of nd dc to share experiences.

Can you supervise more closely? Or is there anything that helps your ds to regulate more, like regular exercise or getting out of the house, that you could build into the day?

I do things with him that he enjoys doing, and try to keep a level head, explain things, but I do kind of feel like its a choice rather than that he can't help it because when his dad is at home hes absolutely fine most of the time apart from the odd thing here and there which isnt unmanageable but when hes at work its like all hell breaks loose and he just does things constantly to be horrible to the little ones, to me, the cat, anything he can get his hands on he destroys it, its just like he doesnt care in all honesty

Acting differently when his dad is there seems key.

My dc with adhd does the mixing things together from the bathroom and making a big mess and a few other things you mention as well.

Does the medication help? It worked brilliantly for my dc for a couple of years then they had to come off it due to serious side effects unfortunately.

Yes the medication does help, hes on quite large amount as when he first started they started on 10mg which did nothing at all, hes now on 40mg and while it helps this behaviour seems to be getting more and more and im starting to think its just a choice at this point

How's your relationship with him? Are there things you like about him, times you enjoy being together?

Could the younger ones spend more time with their df to let you have more 1:1 time with your eldest? It might help you to connect more.

Would you consider some support? Family therapy or DDP might be helpful. You sound like you're blaming him rather than seeing the behaviors as something you have to help with. I do not think this situation can be put down to a young dc choosing to be disliked by their parent.

What’s he like at school?

For my dc (both adhd) age 10-11 was particularly difficult probably as puberty was starting.

That definitely not necessary true. People with ADHD or autism can still be naughty or just unpleasant, making deliberate choices to do so.
Its not a excuse or get out of jail free card.

What consequences does he get for bad behaviour?

Usually it will be either grounded for a set period or he'll have something taken for a set period of time (phone,ps5) it changes the behaviour until he gets the thing back or hes not grounded then it'll start again, basically he'll do what he has to do to get what he wants then it's back to the same behaviour as before

Better at school, hes recently been transferred to a.specialist provision because mainstream wasn't working

I would say that all behaviour is a communication. Children's neurology is radically different from adults, so expecting children, especially nd children, to be capable of the same level of impulse control as an adult is unlikely to be successful.

The behaviour will have a function, and the adults need to establish other ways to meet the need. I can hear that the op is frustrated, but blaming the dc and waiting for him to change without adult support is really unlikely to be happen.

This may not resonate at all as behaviours may have always been there but does symptoms of PANS/PANDAS sound likely at all?

Our DS(12) with ADHD and likely autism is similar and the last few weeks have been absolute hell. I wish I had a solution but all I can offer is solidarity.

My DS with ASD has found the first few days of the summer hols difficult with a lack of school routine. He's leveled out today and we try to manage this by keeping with some routine, getting up early still, doing an activity in the morning (park or swimming or dog walk or trip to town) and home for afternoon chill. It's boring and at time frustrating but its what he needs and we've had a much better day today with (mostly) no shouting!

Could the start of the summer hols and lack of structure be why he's struggling?

My older brother has incredibly aggressive sure to his ADHD when he was younger, like running around with knives and cracking his head open several times sort of aggressive.

He was a bit better when my dad was around, but I think that is quite normal for kids as they typically feel more comfortable to "unmask" around the parent they are with more often.

He was on medication in early primary school, but it just zombiefied him so parents + dr weaned him off it. Really the only things that worked were getting him into special classes (then we moved to a tiny school which was great for him) and stopping all food colouring additives and added sugar. He was allowed to be given marshmallows at school to encourage his good behaviour.

By the time he was a teen, he had mostly grown out of it but still struggled a bit with the anger. Getting into a physical hobby really helped him - he used to make sculptures and was really into raising chickens.

Now he's pretty self regulating and has a wife, kid, house and decent job. They do seem to do a big move every two years though.

Edit: Adding that my mum got really into foods that should/shouldn't be eaten to help with adhd. He turned out pretty well, so she must have been onto something there.