Smothered by ‘friend’

[NoisyCoralLeader]

Recently I’ve started to feel smothered by someone.
We came friendly as our daughters play for the same football team. Now in their teenage years, I’ve spent a lot of time with this woman on the sidelines. She’s recently become involved in fundraising for our daughters’ team and has clashed with DP who is the coach. This is fairly minor and DP is handling this well. I wasn’t directly involved, but felt somewhat stuck in the middle.
Alongside this, she has started working in the company I have worked in for 21 years, choosing to commute in with me. I actively encouraged her to apply for the jobs. I feel like I’ve made a rod for my own back, as she is now in every present and clearly thinks of me as her best friend. I’ve not discouraged it, and even ignored red flags such as turning up where I’m meeting my friends etc after chatting about my plans. My friends were gracious, but it irked me. There have been other little things, that on their own are insignificant, but make me uncomfortable when put in context. For example, copying clothing, change in hairstyle similar to mine.
The final straw has come as I put my name down to join a netball team (for older mums) and she found out I had from a mutual friend who also plays, so she did too. Everyone is so welcoming in the team and obviously see us as a ‘pair’. I struggle to enjoy this new hobby as she’s here too.
I have tried to ease away, as I am aware she hasn’t really done anything wrong but immediately spotted my withdrawal and tried harder and this made me feel even more smothered, but also guilty. I find that my waking thoughts are all about how to avoid her in work, minimise chats on the train in and mix with other people on the team. But I feel overwhelmed. I don’t know what to do; I don’t want to hurt her but her presence in so many aspects of my life makes me uncomfortable.
Am I being unreasonable in feeling smothered?

I think this is one of those occasions where you just need to use your words

It depends what you want to achieve.

You could nuclear and tell her she is too much but then you may have some bad feeling at work, with other friends if she has become involved with them as well, with the kids football team etc etc.

Personally, I would do things gradually and take baby steps maybe say you aren’t going to netball for a few weeks are having a break from netball etc, your taking a week off work or want to listen to an audio book or podcast to relax or because your social battery is low at the moment and do this on the way into work as you really need some alone time or similar. Change your routines. Also give your friends the heads up and instruct your friends not to pass on your meeting places or change the time and venue if you always coffee on a particular day and time at a particular place. She may or may not take the hint.

I totally get why you feel this is totally too much. Good luck.

I get it. I need to put in boundaries. I think I just needed to hear from someone else, that I’m not just going crazy with the way I feel about all this!

I like the idea of using my social battery as a way to withdraw. I think she’s buy in to that. Thank you

You are not crazy. I am still friends with someone I had to tell, firmly, that I couldn’t commute together to work. I just said “I need the time alone” and she accepted it.

I would feel smothered from less but then I am a private person. I sometimes put in airpods with no sound when I want to be left alone.
It's a shame because she's not really doing anything wrong. She likes you a lot and admires you and is not aware that it's too much. I would go gently on her trying to slowly step away. Do tell your close friends that you trust that you find her nice but too intense so that they don't forward information about your whereabouts. Tell her you need to have quiet time on your way to work. Become a boring person when she's around; talk about niche interests that she won't be interested in like your collection of minerals/stamps or show photos of your children/whatever so that she will be the one to avoid you.

Good grief she has invaded every part of your life. I think you will have to find some words to explain it is all too much. Agree with the "needing alone time" to stop commuting together.

Honestly? I can understand you feeling smothered and the idea of using your “social battery” is a good one. BUT you also refer to her copying clothing and changing her hairstyle - how much of this is down to you and how much is just what’s in fashion? Unless your style is very unusual, chances are that you are both wearing whatever is in the shops.

You’re not going crazy. It’s your instincts trying to protect you. I had this at my last job. Smothered and suffocated. Partly my fault as I didn’t want to cause an atmosphere in the office. Every boundary I put in place was trampled. My feelings were never taken into account. I was pestered for the eight hours I was in work. We each moved to different offices on different floors. Still the campaign raged on. Texting random rubbish like “have you got a ruler” etc. At the weekends texting me asking “can I ring?” On and on and on with zero regard for what I might be doing. It drained the life out of me. Interestingly everyone she’d tried it before with had binned her off. Luckily I was able to retire and leave her behind but she pursued me for four years after even though I never replied to her texts and voicemails. What I’m trying to say is; some people have to be kept at arm’s length. Don’t get sucked in like I did trying to avoid a confrontation x

YANBU. I'd have blown lonnnnnnng before this. Someone wanting to commute with me? Absolutely not. I love that time to just zone out by myself, soak up music, catch up on admin etc.

You just need to be straight with her in each area. Next time she tries to come sit with you on the train just say 'sorry, can't talk, I need this time for silence before the craziness of the day' or whatever. Make something up if you're scared to be honest. Say you're trying a new thing where you spend your commute in a meditative state.

I would personally leave the netball team as it'll just be awful doing it with her all the time. Find something else fun to do and don't tell her. She'll probably quit it anyway and you can rejoin later alone.

She shows up when you're with friends and she tries to join in rather than a quick hi? 'Hi name, sorry, we're having a bit of a private get together, see you later'. That's not rude. Expecting to muscle into someone else's friend group get together uninvited is rude.

She sounds awful and you're going to need to start being assertive here.

This is really good self help stuff if you find it hard to be assertive. Learn how to not get into these situations in the first place by always looking out for your own needs and desires instead of subsuming them for someone else.

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/looking-after-yourself/assertiveness

I had a similar thing back in 1994 OP and it’s awful !!!

Arggh I feel smothered just reading this! It is one thing having a friend who is a bit overkeen and quite another having a friend who seems to be present in every area of your life!

Can you tell her that you need to back off and would prefer an acquaintance type relationship. You could blame social battery (start with needing to commute alone for some much needed headspace) or possibly the falling out she had with your husband. If she keeps going (she's obviously quite thick skinned) you might need to be firmer.

It's happened to me a handful of times and it helped to work out what was triggering the behaviour. I'll try not to waffle too much but in one case it was a good friend having a tough time and low self esteem and emulating me seemed to make her feel safe. As her confidence grew back the issue faded.

Another was an acquaintance who I was happy to be pleasant to and chat to but she just wasn't my sort of person and I didn't want to spend the amount of time with her that she wanted. Confess I started avoiding her and it tailed off.

Third one turned out to be a Wendy type situation. I realised she didn't want me as a friend, she wanted to live my whole life. Quite alarming, slowly distanced self and she all but disappeared thanks to the covid lockdowns.