Alcohol or not

[Dominoesooohoooo]

I am close with my immediate family and we are due to holiday together with our respective partners, children etc to celebrate a big birthday soon. The issue is alcohol. Of the five immediate family members, one is an alcoholic (I don’t use that word lightly), two are heavy drinkers, one a social drinker and I’m now teetotal. The family is very very social and has always been - big parties (and alcohol) have always been a way of life and very much encouraged. Non-drinking is heavily scorned. I took the decision to stop drinking a while ago because I don’t actually enjoy it, realised I was only doing it to keep up, found it made me feel sick and massively exacerbated anxiety levels for me the following day. I’m happier not drinking. The issue is that this is a big issue for my family. A couple of them have spoken to me about it (‘intervention’ style) and informed me that my lack of drinking brings the mood down, makes me boring, etc. To be clear I am not preaching to anyone else, I’m just opting for a juice or water instead. I also find drinks foisted on me regularly and if I refuse I am jeered at and told to shut up. I find myself ‘losing’ drinks a lot or pouring them down the sink when no one is looking. I really don’t look forward to family events because of all of this and particularly this upcoming family event where they are all excitedly talking about the alcohol. Am I being unreasonable here? How do I make this stop? Any advice?

Tbh if they are pouring scorn on you for not drinking and trying to force you to drink then they dont care about you: they don't care about your well being and they don't care about your right to be yourself and live by your own rules and values. They have no respect for you.

I don't care how closely I was related to these people but if I thought they were going to try to force me to drink when I didn't want to I would avoid them.

And I certainly wouldn't go to a party where there was lots of alcohol, coupled with alcoholics and heavy drinkers.

Anyone who shames someone’s for not drinking does not have your best interest at heart.

Shut them down quickly and firmly.

“I have decided to no longer drink alcohol and I should not be shamed or mocked for that. I am healthier and happier all round now I don’t drink and if you really cared about me you would support that and not question it.”

Agree with everything previous poster says. People used to try and force me to drink. I do like the odd glass of wine, maybe a couple of beers a year. One of my ex h bosses took us out once, manager of a big well known store. I said politely "no thank you" to more than my one glass. He lined up drinks and got very nasty when I refused to drink them. I used to go out regularly with 6 girlfriends, they would order bottle s, keep filling glasses. I liked them but stopped going out with them. My work colleagues were the same, but I had a long drive home,so didn't drink anything alcoholic at all.

Nothing more tedious than being sober round a bunch of drunks. They're only trying to make themselves feel better by making you drunk. Stick to your guns, or just don't go, and say it's because of their attitude trying to force you to drink. You'll hsve a better time with Netflix and a mug of tea. 😊

Why the heck are you going on holiday with them? Is it too late to cancel? They're not going to change.

That does sound difficult. I guess you don't want to ditch them because they are your family but it doesn't sound like it'll be much fun for you. I think it boils down to you have two options, go and put up with them trying to make you drink, or skip it.

TBH I wouldn't go away with them if they are going to behave like that. They are being out-and-out nasty to you, no respect at all. If their mood is so badly affected by you not drinking then their own relationship with drinking is weird to say the least. If you have to go, then the first time someone teases you or tries to browbeat you into drinking, I would speak to them "intervention style": "You know, my decision not to drink does not affect you in any way unless you choose to let it. I am not trying to stop you drinking or judging you for drinking. For me personally, not drinking is better for my physical and mental health. If you continue to criticise me for not drinking I can only conclude that you don't care about my health and I would consider that a form of bullying. I have now stated clearly what you are doing to me and if you continue to do it this is the last time I will go to a family gathering with you."

My partner has this with his friends since he stopped drinking.
There's nothing like a non drinker to hold that big mirror up to you to make you question your own drinking. Only those with problematic drinking have an issue looking into that mirror.

You do you without feeling any judgement.

That is hard and feels unfair. I’d probably go with a say as little as possible approach. When offered drinks say no thanks. When pushed say “Dr’s orders I’m afraid” and when pushed on that say it’s not something you want to talk about and keep smiling through.

I'm a bit confused as you say you are close to them but also that they pressure you and belittle you and don't respect you. I don't think these things can all be true.

I'm not a huge drinker (not totally a non-drinker but almost) and my husband's family are massive drinkers (and many are alcoholics). I have slowly stopped drinking at all around them as the whole thing makes me super uncomfortable and I don't love my children being around it without knowing I am definitely in charge and capable. I got a lot of comments at the start but shut it down and just stopped responding and now they leave me to it. Now that my sister in law has been to rehab and is in recovery I don't drink at all around her anyway and everyone has stopped talking about it.

I would just repeat yourself - come up with a phrase that you use every time and don't engage with it. I'd also really assess the relationships again - are they unkind when they're drinking or are they always like this with you? Anything else they just don't respect about you? Just step back for a moment and look at the whole picture to see if there's anything else you should reset.

I actually don't love being around drunk people so tend to go to bed quite early when I'm around them. I need the time to myself anyway so just go read a book or something while they all carry on with it.

You not drinking shone slight on their inability to control how much they drink and they feel guilty, and resentful of what they perceive as your willpower. I suspect this because in the past I felt really disappointed when friends stopped drinking - as if they were raining on my parade and being all square and joyless. I clearly now see this as my problem, not theirs!

I'd just say: I'd love a drink but it's started to make me feel really sick and I don't know why. Even one, and I feel ill, so I can't. Have one for me.

Then maybe bring some alcohol free beers or mocktails, so you are sharing in the celebratory mood.

But long term, I'd find this really hard to cope with. It's so unfair of them to put this pressure on you.

I'm a bit confused as you say you are close to them but also that they pressure you and belittle you and don't respect you. I don't think these things can all be true.

This.

We are very sociable with friends and family but there are some people whi don't drink, others who do-it's not mentioned. If it's mentioned to the degree your family are, that isn't pleasant or 'close' and I wouldn't be choosing to book holidays away with them.

Wow OP, they really do have serious issues with alcohol if they are pressuring you to that extent. It sounds bullying, nasty and really unpleasant. There is no reasoning with people like this - no amount of explaining or setting out your stall will work. They're not hearing you, and it's more important to them that everyone is doing 'the done thing' of getting ratarsed than enjoying being together. I have similar in my family, not just around alcohol

I wonder if your policy of 'losing' drinks or quietly tipping them down the sink might be the least bad option. Play along with accepting an alcoholic drink, but leave it on the side and actually drink whatever you fancy. Don't get drawn into justifying or arguing or explaining - smile and nod, and disappear off to bed when you've had enough. It sounds bloody awful though, I feel for you