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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this man’s behaviour isn’t normal?

25 replies

InCollaboration · 23/07/2025 00:23

I met a guy OLD six weeks ago. Initially we got on well during phone calls & had three ok dates, we only ever had a brief kiss, nothing more.
I noticed a few red flags when I told him about a girl’s weekend I had pre arranged soon. He was very off with me for 24 hours then asked me ‘what he was going to do?“ when I was away.

He then said “you’d better not go chatting to any men while you’re away”. I laughed this off.

After I came back last weekend I suddenly got the ick with him, actually not suddenly, I’d been getting it every time he was weird with me. He’d mentioned the girl’s weekend in a negative way every single time we spoke before the trip.

Deciding I didn’t want to continue seeing him, I sent him a lovely message (yes I know I should have been brave and done it face to face, but we live 1.5 hours apart), saying I’d really enjoyed getting to know him but I didn’t feel ready for a serious relationship yet and that I realised I wanted to be on my own for a while.
He then sent back these messages :

In other words you have been out with other men and that's why you haven't been in touch
11:39
Why don't you just say the truth
11:40
Was he nice then
11:45
thought you were a genuine person but how wrong I was
11:55

I replied:
No I've not been out with anyone. I want to stay on my own for a while as I said I just don't feel ready for a relationship. I'm sorry
12:33 , to which he put a thumbs up (we’re in our 50’s fgs!)

I removed my profile from the dating site but people who have already messaged you can still see you on there (FB dating) so I guess to him I would still look live.
I’ve just had a message from him saying “still on then’

He’s giving me stalkerish vibes and I feel a bit worried that he’s like this after just six weeks. He’s been really nasty in those messages. I’m feeling quite unlucky as I’ve only come out of a toxic relationship 8 months ago and I thought this was a decent guy at first.

Should I respond telling him actually I think he’s a dick, clingy and that I didn’t fancy him? Or ignore him? I’ve got a feeling that this won’t be the end of his sudden nastiness.

OP posts:
Safxxx · 23/07/2025 00:30

Delete and block him from your phone ... could you possibly report him on the dating site and say he is hassling you, try to hide your profile from him if that's possible. Gosh you've had a lucky escape he seems nasty...no need to engage with him any further no response is the best thing.

MuckFusk · 23/07/2025 00:31

Ignore and block him on FB and your phone if he has your number. Anybody that insanely possessive is pretty much guaranteed to be an abusive, dangerous person.
Contact police is he ever comes around your place or if you see him following you. Take this seriously because women can get killed by guys like this. I don't want to scare you, but you have to be on your guard. It might be wise to get a home security system if he knows where you live.

Planesmistakenforstars · 23/07/2025 00:32

You were right not to tell him in person. Why would you even care if he can see you on a dating sites?? You've only had three dates; you don't owe him explanation or justifications, so stop doing that. I would send him one message to make it crystal clear. Very short and to the point, something like "I am not interested in you. Leave me alone and stop messaging me." Then block him.

NuffSaidSam · 23/07/2025 00:33

Do not engage.

Block and ignore.

steff13 · 23/07/2025 00:33

I would have blocked him after the first message I wouldn't have even read any of his replies.

Snorlaxo · 23/07/2025 00:34

This is why the block button was invented.

summertimeinLondon · 23/07/2025 00:34

Block him and don’t engage any further, not at all. He sounds full of red flags and you don’t owe him anything, you’ve been perfectly pleasant and polite and he sounds abusive.

17MarketStreet · 23/07/2025 00:35

Block him, keep the messages as screenshots. Do not engage with him. Does he know where you live?

Branleuse · 23/07/2025 00:35

Id reply that you have no interest in other men at this point, but you have even less interest in having to tiptoe around the bizarre imaginings of a jealous insecure man. That he has been extremely disrespectful and rude to you.

Then block him

17MarketStreet · 23/07/2025 00:37

InCollaboration · 23/07/2025 00:23

I met a guy OLD six weeks ago. Initially we got on well during phone calls & had three ok dates, we only ever had a brief kiss, nothing more.
I noticed a few red flags when I told him about a girl’s weekend I had pre arranged soon. He was very off with me for 24 hours then asked me ‘what he was going to do?“ when I was away.

He then said “you’d better not go chatting to any men while you’re away”. I laughed this off.

After I came back last weekend I suddenly got the ick with him, actually not suddenly, I’d been getting it every time he was weird with me. He’d mentioned the girl’s weekend in a negative way every single time we spoke before the trip.

Deciding I didn’t want to continue seeing him, I sent him a lovely message (yes I know I should have been brave and done it face to face, but we live 1.5 hours apart), saying I’d really enjoyed getting to know him but I didn’t feel ready for a serious relationship yet and that I realised I wanted to be on my own for a while.
He then sent back these messages :

In other words you have been out with other men and that's why you haven't been in touch
11:39
Why don't you just say the truth
11:40
Was he nice then
11:45
thought you were a genuine person but how wrong I was
11:55

I replied:
No I've not been out with anyone. I want to stay on my own for a while as I said I just don't feel ready for a relationship. I'm sorry
12:33 , to which he put a thumbs up (we’re in our 50’s fgs!)

I removed my profile from the dating site but people who have already messaged you can still see you on there (FB dating) so I guess to him I would still look live.
I’ve just had a message from him saying “still on then’

He’s giving me stalkerish vibes and I feel a bit worried that he’s like this after just six weeks. He’s been really nasty in those messages. I’m feeling quite unlucky as I’ve only come out of a toxic relationship 8 months ago and I thought this was a decent guy at first.

Should I respond telling him actually I think he’s a dick, clingy and that I didn’t fancy him? Or ignore him? I’ve got a feeling that this won’t be the end of his sudden nastiness.

Don’t respond at all. Block him on Facebook and report him to the site. Report him to the police for harassment.

MrsHench · 23/07/2025 00:39

He sounds awful and not a genuine person but I wouldn't antagonise him or engage any further.
Is he messaging you on messenger still?
Maybe block him.

17MarketStreet · 23/07/2025 01:10

I had a similar experience with a man like this and when I blocked him he turned up at my house.

Send him a message saying that you do not want any further contact with him (you don’t need to give a reason) and you are finding his messages most unwelcome. State that this will be your final message and if he continues to harass you, you will take legal action.

Two more unanswered messages from him after you have made it clear you don’t want contact are considered a course of conduct under harassment law. Stalking like this can be the start of dangerous behaviour. Don’t say anything to antagonise him such as name-calling. Keep the messages.

samplesalequeen · 23/07/2025 01:26

Does he know your address?

ButteredRadish · 23/07/2025 01:40

17MarketStreet · 23/07/2025 01:10

I had a similar experience with a man like this and when I blocked him he turned up at my house.

Send him a message saying that you do not want any further contact with him (you don’t need to give a reason) and you are finding his messages most unwelcome. State that this will be your final message and if he continues to harass you, you will take legal action.

Two more unanswered messages from him after you have made it clear you don’t want contact are considered a course of conduct under harassment law. Stalking like this can be the start of dangerous behaviour. Don’t say anything to antagonise him such as name-calling. Keep the messages.

Omg! What did you do?! I hope you called the police

thelakeisle · 23/07/2025 01:44

InCollaboration · 23/07/2025 00:23

I met a guy OLD six weeks ago. Initially we got on well during phone calls & had three ok dates, we only ever had a brief kiss, nothing more.
I noticed a few red flags when I told him about a girl’s weekend I had pre arranged soon. He was very off with me for 24 hours then asked me ‘what he was going to do?“ when I was away.

He then said “you’d better not go chatting to any men while you’re away”. I laughed this off.

After I came back last weekend I suddenly got the ick with him, actually not suddenly, I’d been getting it every time he was weird with me. He’d mentioned the girl’s weekend in a negative way every single time we spoke before the trip.

Deciding I didn’t want to continue seeing him, I sent him a lovely message (yes I know I should have been brave and done it face to face, but we live 1.5 hours apart), saying I’d really enjoyed getting to know him but I didn’t feel ready for a serious relationship yet and that I realised I wanted to be on my own for a while.
He then sent back these messages :

In other words you have been out with other men and that's why you haven't been in touch
11:39
Why don't you just say the truth
11:40
Was he nice then
11:45
thought you were a genuine person but how wrong I was
11:55

I replied:
No I've not been out with anyone. I want to stay on my own for a while as I said I just don't feel ready for a relationship. I'm sorry
12:33 , to which he put a thumbs up (we’re in our 50’s fgs!)

I removed my profile from the dating site but people who have already messaged you can still see you on there (FB dating) so I guess to him I would still look live.
I’ve just had a message from him saying “still on then’

He’s giving me stalkerish vibes and I feel a bit worried that he’s like this after just six weeks. He’s been really nasty in those messages. I’m feeling quite unlucky as I’ve only come out of a toxic relationship 8 months ago and I thought this was a decent guy at first.

Should I respond telling him actually I think he’s a dick, clingy and that I didn’t fancy him? Or ignore him? I’ve got a feeling that this won’t be the end of his sudden nastiness.

You should have blocked him at this first response. Not sure why you think responding to him will change him being a weird, bullying coercive arsehole.

17MarketStreet · 23/07/2025 01:45

ButteredRadish · 23/07/2025 01:40

Omg! What did you do?! I hope you called the police

Show quote history

I invited him in as he’d driven 4 hours, but I had to work 30 minutes later. I made sure he didn’t move from the sofa to access keys etc. and when he left, I did a Claire’s Law request on him. That came back clear.

He then kept phoning and I sent him a text telling him never to contact me again by phone, text, email or letter and that if he turned up at my house again I would call 999.

I never heard from him again.

thelakeisle · 23/07/2025 01:45

samplesalequeen · 23/07/2025 01:26

Does he know your address?

Yes, this is a great concern.

Sportsdaywinner · 23/07/2025 01:51

As previous posters have said, don't reply to him. You've had a lucky escape....he sounds unhinged and very jealous. Imagine what he'd have been like further down the line! Thank God you saw his true colours early pm!

AlexStocks · 23/07/2025 01:57

Don't reply to him, don't open his messages. Block. Block. Block. There is no need for a response.

17MarketStreet · 23/07/2025 02:04

AlexStocks · 23/07/2025 01:57

Don't reply to him, don't open his messages. Block. Block. Block. There is no need for a response.

It really depends if he has her address. Blocking him could make him turn up unannounced. OP wouldn’t be forewarned because he can’t contact her.

Original poster
InCollaboration · 23/07/2025 07:48

thelakeisle• samplesalequeen*

yes he knows my address as he dropped me off once, but I have security cameras back and front.
im annoyed with myself now because we met halfway for a meal and I really tried to push for meeting there but he insisted on coming to pick me up…I thought ‘ what a gentleman’ how wrong I was, he’s turned nasty so quickly with absolutely no evidence that I’ve done anything wrong.

thanks everyone for your comments/ suggestions x

OP posts:
Lurleenlumpkin79 · 23/07/2025 07:54

NuffSaidSam · 23/07/2025 00:33

Do not engage.

Block and ignore.

This. Cut off ALL communication with him. No need to explain anything to him after only 3 dates. If you still reply to him its a win for him and a "chance" to turn things around and get you to "see sense" that you're the one who's out of order. Block block block.

yayoikusama · 23/07/2025 08:02

Just for safety's sake (in terms of a paper trail), I'd send one more message in absolutely unmistakeable language that says:

"The way you're messaging me is making me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. I do not want to see or hear from you any more. Do not contact me again."

Screenshot that – you shouldn't have to, but IF anything goes further (i.e police involvement), you don't want the possibility of any doubt whatsoever that you made your feelings 100% clear.

I wouldn't block him, because as PPs have said, forewarned is forearmed. Just don't open the messages or respond from now on.

Steelworks · 23/07/2025 08:04

I agree, with the above posts, and definitely report him on the site if you can.

Wigtopia · 23/07/2025 08:13

yayoikusama · 23/07/2025 08:02

Just for safety's sake (in terms of a paper trail), I'd send one more message in absolutely unmistakeable language that says:

"The way you're messaging me is making me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. I do not want to see or hear from you any more. Do not contact me again."

Screenshot that – you shouldn't have to, but IF anything goes further (i.e police involvement), you don't want the possibility of any doubt whatsoever that you made your feelings 100% clear.

I wouldn't block him, because as PPs have said, forewarned is forearmed. Just don't open the messages or respond from now on.

This is brilliant advice

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