Are there people in your life who try to use you for their own personal gain?

[SnugShaker]

Not necessarily in an obvious or malicious way but in subtle ways - always needing favours, support, your contacts or help but rarely showing up for you in return. Do you call it out, cut them off or just quietly withdraw? Curious how others navigate this.

What happens if you practice saying “no”? Kindly, honestly, just saying that you aren’t in a position to do that right now? If you’re ending up doing things resentfully for people who you don’t feel appreciate it and ask too much, surely saying “no” might make you feel uncomfortable in the near term, and perhaps be difficult because you don’t like having that uncomfortable feeling (and I think this is the main problem for people who dislike saying “no”, they struggle with having that feeling and haven’t worked out how to come to terms with it) but in the long term, if you’re feeling resentful, would it not actually be a better position to not have those people in your life any more because they’ve faded away, rather than have them in your life whilst not really liking them? No relationship versus poor relationship: it’s sort of a net even.

I don’t do anything that I don’t want to do - so if I do something for somebody, it’s because I like them, or because I want to help them out, or because I know they’d do the same for me. And the idea of “navigating it” is interesting, because I’ve never had a problem with declining to do something if it really doesn’t work for me and know I’d be doing it resentfully out of a feeling of obligation. I suppose I’m just fortunate to be pretty emotionally literate and to have always been surrounded by people who operate the same way: I have a wonderful group of friends and we help each other out all the time and give a lot of mutual love and care and support, and we know it all comes out in the wash.

I just say no, I am in control of what i accept

No, I don't have anyone in my life like this. Never have. It's not something I could tolerate.

You need to be less available. Some people are like this if you let them be, and when you stop they drop you. Others do this if you let them but when you stop become proper friends. Others still appear to be users but if you call on them, they turn out to drop everything and support you in return.

The main thing is to never ever give to others more of your time, yourself, your money, emotional investment etc than you are willing and able to give freely without any need or desire for reciprocation. That's the bar to set.

I have one friend like this. She had a crazy childhood so I make excuses for her. There’s a lot about her I love but she’s 10% annoying as hell. When she calls it’s often one sided (me listening to her talk about her stuff) and she often wants something from me. Her mood is either up or down too so I never know what to expect. She’s very much one of life’s victims. I’ve tried so hard with her for years where others have dropped her. Her good bits outweigh the bad.

I eventually said no more to a relative who felt the need to criticise me after receiving said requested advice. I pointed out the dynamic, and he actually smirked, so he knew what he was doing, too.

call it out, and if they continue to do it i quietly withdraw. i never cut out completely unless they're completely abusing me, as i know everyone goes through cycles in life. but i only let them back in if they approach me with a positive reciprocal energy. i ignore any messages that is them trying to take from me- i.e venting, asking for things, talking without ever asking how i am.

Good post from @ComtesseDeSpair and others. No one can ‘use you for their own gain’ without your permission. Say no more.