To ask how to be super confident and not take anything personally?

[Pippin1239]

I'd just love to be a super confident person who didn't care at all what anyone thought, it's not that I don't have any confidence at all but I can be hard on myself and care what others think.

Things I'm trying to do are: I've recently taken up a completely different hobby to what I've ever done before, it's putting me out of my comfort zone and it's daunting.

I ran a half marathon earlier this year and I've just signed up for another one.

I've decreased the level of debt I had significantly and now have much less to pay.

I'm doing well in my job and exceeding targets, I feel a bit of a loser for being on quite a low salary (under 30k). But I'm trying to tell myself that your value isn't linked to how much you earn or how senior you are in a company. I'm applying for promotions right now.

Not comparing myself to my schoolfriends. School was a long time ago and it's natural to outgrow people. Their outlook on life is different to mine which is fine, and when I see them I don't know why but I always feel like there are slight digs or jibes? For example, I change my hair often, because I like to do that. They'll say things like "Omg, you're always changing your hair!" But not followed by anything positive or saying it's nice.
I'm proud of myself and the life I've led, I just want to be as confident as I can. Has anyone else had any similar thoughts or experiences? Any advice would be wonderful too.

Well you should be really proud of yourself OP. You are doing so many positive things to challenge yourself.

It sounds as though you still feel the need to get approval from people. And yet they probably are seeing you as someone who is confident and an achiever and so they possibly don't feel the need to encourage you in the way they might someone less confident and successful.

Read “How to stop worrying and start living.” It’s very good.

Thanks a lot. I just always feel like they subtly try to put me down, it's always comments about how I'm 'always' doing this or that, rather than something nice.

I go by the fake it until you make it approach. Basically acting, I act like the type of person I want to be

You're doing great op.

I'm very laid back, I'm not bothered by anything.

I couldn't give two shits about what anyone thinks, especially people that don't know me.

You don’t need to be super confident….. you need to stop looking to others for validation or approval.
I used to worry about what others think butt I realised others are too busy to really spend any time actually thinking or judging me.

So you outgrew your old schoolmates plus they have a different outlook on life but you still see them? Why? On top of that they take digs and jibes?
The truly confident are not afraid to get rid of people who try to weaken their self-esteem.

This. Delete the people who aren’t cheerleading for you, and you them. Best thing I ever did was to drastically reduce the amount of people I gave my energy to. It makes a world of difference.

I know I should, tbh I only see them now at big events like weddings and baby showers. Just find it hard to make friends as an adult, more than casual acquaintances.

I find that judging people on how I feel when I’ve just left them, is a really useful litmus test. If I feel energised and warm and enthused, brilliant. If I feel nervous and “less than” I watch carefully. If it continues I let them go.

OP please keep doing things that make you happy, and fulfil your own goals. Other people are far more interested in their own lives & not yours!

If you think they’re putting you down, say ‘maybe so …’ to anything they comment. Shut down the narrative & carry on you doing you!

I am not super confident. For example I get a bit flustered in a group and feel a bit uncomfortable presenting.

But I don't really care what anyone thinks of me. Apparently I've always been the same and was the only teen not bothered about following trends or fitting in. If someone has commented negatively on my appearance or personality it hadn't really registered, I just think 'well not everyone can like me' and 'yeah I have put on a bit of weight' etc. I'm quite factual rather than emotional though.

Two things that I think are helpful to think are:

• most people are so wrapped up in their own stuff that anything you do is pretty much irrelevant to them anyway
• what would a man do / think (eg things at work if I start over thinking)

In my case, the answer seems to have been ‘ get older’- I used to be a terrible overthinker, but have found that now I’m in my 40s I pretty much give zero fucks any more.

But why so much need of approval from people from your distant past that you acknowledge you have little in common with?

Well done for doing things that makes you feel good and happy. I truly don’t care what other people think of/about me, reason being..does it affect my life? 9/10 the answer is no. So I don’t care at all as long as I know I live my life trying to be a nice person and I think i am kind to others generally. So who cares what anyone else thinks.

Stop thinking about yourself so much and what you think other people think. Easier said than done and I’ve always had a good dose of “couldn’t-give-a-shititis” and it’s got stronger as I’ve got older. But I’ve always been a bit like that. I also love other people and meeting new people or talking to strangers. Maybe it’s part of the same attitude?

For the hair thing - practice a response: I know.
Say it with the most amazing smile saying at the same time in your head : f* off.

practice to do it this way not the other way around!

Do you want to appear more confident or be more confident? Those two aren't necessarily the same thing.

For example, to appear more confident, just agree with bitchy comments like those on your hair. "You change your hair all the time!" Big grin. "Yeah I know." Don't over-explain anything and don't change anything just because someone criticises your appearance. All those, you can fake.

To be more confident is a different matter. A lot of that comes with experience - of situations, of people, of lived life.

Take your new hobby. The more often you do it, the better and more confident you become. It is natural to be unsure of how to do things at first. Once certain moves become routine, the rest will follow. And the more often you push yourself out of your comfort zone in general, the more confident you will become with trying new things.

With people, it is worth bearing in mind that most people are far too immersed in their own lives to care too much about you. And those who aren't? Well, what a sad life is that? I once tripped and fell at work in a crowded room, about a year ago. Flat on my arse. I laughed it off. It will have looked hilarious. Most people didn't say a word, a few laughed. One woman, to this day, every time I see her will say "Oh my god, remember that time you fell?" I just pity her. How can nothing else interesting have happened to her since?

As for life, you have already overcome so much. The more adversity you face head-on, the more you know that things cannot hurt you permanently. Take your debt. You're making a difference. You're getting out of it. I lost my home a few times. Countless relationships. If I ever lose my home or relationship again? There'll be another, no matter how much I love either right now.

Why fake to be someone else? Don’t you like being just yourself?

It is possible that you don’t actually want to change yourself into another type of person but you fake it for the sake of others. To please them, to be more liked, admired , and accepted by them. I find it to be disingenuous. Why sacrifice your own original personality just to please others? It must be mentally draining.

And what does fake it till you make it mean? What is making it? To win a man’s attention and get him to be your boyfriend/husband? (just an example) But once you “made it” and you are a couple, then what? You morph back to who you were before you started faking it for him? Worse still..you keep being fake just to have him around? Same with friendships: you can’t base a true genuine friendship on a false personality.
Or to get a job? And once you get it then what? If your fake confidence evaporates soon afterwards, surely your boss/colleagues/clients will notice?
All this faking will lead to a burnout at some point.

Cut them out of your life, they're not friends if they're doing that. They're holding you back.

Its about having an anxiety disorder and being the only way I can function in life its nothing to do with a man its to do with being able to leave the house and manage at work. Basically masking

Roughly ten years of hard work through counselling.

I'm another vote for just getting older. You really do run out of fucks to give and you realise that some other people make put downs in order to make up for something missing in their life. The secret is to lose these 'drains' on your confidence and spend time with people 'radiators' who spread warmth.

You've come such a long way due to your own grit and determination OP. You should be really proud of yourself. I reckon you'll make new friends through your new hobby and running, they might start off as acquaintances but a few might well develop into full on friendships.

Something that really helped me move on to the next stage of my life and build confidence was doing a course in something completely new. All of a sudden you're thrown into a group of people you don't know and you're all at the same stage of knowing very little and where there's no shame in that or getting things wrong. The choice of subject means you meet people of a like mind, but from all different backgrounds. You learn together and form bonds. It's so confidence building and, 10 years on, two of my best friends came from that course.

Honestly its a fake it til you make it thing

The Let Them Theory by Mel Robins sounds perfect for you.

You're giving other people too much power over your own happiness and worth.