I’m in a relationship that’s really starting to take its toll on me, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m constantly made to justify myself and walk on eggshells in my own home.
We both work, but he earns significantly more than I do. Everything goes into a joint pot however recently after an argument he said we should go back to completely separate finances. It would leave me struggling. I already put my child benefit towards bills too. Afterwards he said he was joking.
He constantly questions my spending. Recently I started getting my nails done (BIAB) as a small bit of self-care as I stopped doing anything for myself, nothing extravagant and he moaned at me about that. Yet he spent money on himself without mentioning it to me and sees no issue with that. When I questioned the double standard, he deflected and accused me of “moaning about money all the time.”
There was also a tin with £100 of holiday savings. He took the whole lot without telling me and didn’t offer to split it. Meanwhile, when I sold something for £30 on Facebook Marketplace, I gave him half because he asked for it. When I sold my old phone, I put the money in the joint account. He seems to enjoy having control over money but resents me if I spend anything for myself.
We’ve had ongoing issues emotionally too. He often dismisses how I feel, mocks me for “using big words” like gaslighting or hypocrisy, and acts like I’m attacking him if I try to explain how I’m feeling. If we argue, he’ll sometimes go silent and not respond to or stonewall me. He recently told me he’s signing up for therapy (again, he’s said this multiple times before) because he “doesn’t know why he is the way he is.” But nothing changes for long.
I’ve tried calmly setting boundaries and explaining how emotionally drained I feel. I’ve told him I feel like I can’t express myself without being blamed or criticised. His response was that he’s the one who feels blamed for everything and that I’m “turning things around on him.”
I recently told a close friend how I’ve been feeling because I genuinely needed someone to talk to, and he got angry and said “it’s weird you go telling your mates about what goes on in our private life.” I felt instantly shamed for opening up, he was more bothered about that than how I was feeling.
Today I finally told him I couldn’t be with him anymore, I can’t keep living like this. He told me it’s my choice and that I’ll “have to move out,” knowing I can’t do that right now because of my child. He said he’s absolutely sick of me saying he gaslights and I make him out to be a monster, which I don’t.
I’m tired. I’m always made to feel like I’m the problem. I’ve tried to have calm, reasonable conversations but I feel like I’m being emotionally worn down every time. It’s not just about money it’s the lack of respect, support, and basic care.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Or am I overthinking? I get told by him that I exaggerate.