To cut off a close friend

[Bluetrousers]

I had a best friend I did everything with we was both single mums so together things like zoos the park become more fun. This year was clearly her goal to have a relationship so she had a boyfriend. By the time the 3rd man was living with her and her children it got to a point I no longer want to accociate with her but due to the way she talks about depression I can’t just block her and we did everything together but I wanted to drift and since not being as close friends I never have drama I literally just live my happy life with my kids. Anyway she’s started to message how lonely and depressed she is and I feel so torn between her struggling and my life being in a good place. What would you do

why is it you don’t want to see her?

I think the drama she’s had social involved a lot and I put it down to mental health but rather then work to get better she just looked for men to save her it’s not judgement as I understand that’s her mental health but it’s so draining just watching someone argue with a boyfriend everytime you meet up. And I think the amount of men living with the boys makes me uncomfortable although I do believe she is a good mum I just think her life focus and mine are different she really wants the nuclear type family and image where to me it’s about peace not saying one is better then the other but it’s so different it’s becoming hard to find we are on the same page which we once were.

I feel like I’m being really unfair and almost putting her with a worst time of my life but it just become soo chaotic I started to feel anxious when she’s text.

the last month there was also many times she message to meet due to being depressed and I’d clear the day and she wouldn’t reply which left me feeling so frustrated and if she text sorry I’m X Y Z I really wouldn’t mind it’s the texting in two hours??? Then omg somethings come up can you wait a few more hours really need to see you??? And this happened at least 3 times in the last 2 months

That's such a tricky situation to be in. I completely understand why you want to protect your peace and not get involved in the chaos. Also, her letting you down when you've arranged to meet up isn't a good look.

Have you tried saying that you don't feel you can help her with her MH and feel she needs to speak to her doctor to get some professional help such as counselling?

Hey sorry if it wasn’t clear I haven’t agreed to see her in face she kept letting me down I just feel awkward now she messaged again about her mental health. I also don’t have the money to see her I used to always end up buying her kids food for breakfast in a cafe as they would be hungry and she would refuse to get out of bed (I’d often stay over night) and the taxis cost around £35 it would normally be £100 a weekend and I just don’t have that money anymore as a single mum that gets no maintenance (another story😢) x sorry if it wasn’t clear I just don’t want to leave someone struggling especially someone I was so close too but her life is soo chaotic the boyfriend before this one actually beat up her 2 year old and she’s now living with another man she met in less then a month I can’t watch it all again:(

Sounds like you're being a bit of a fair weather friend

I hope social services know all of this. And no, I wouldn’t associate with someone who had a boyfriend that beat up a 2 year old then moved a man in just days later. Scum. Those poor kids

Thanks, I may have misinterpreted what you said though! Given what you've just posted, I'd probably just reply to her message saying that you strongly feel she needs to see her GP and get some professional help and I'd leave it there. I fully understand why you don't meet up with her anymore, it sounds like an expensive nightmare!

I hope social services know all of this. And no, I wouldn’t associate with someone who had a boyfriend that beat up a 2 year old then moved a man in just days later. Scum. Those poor kids

My thoughts exactly.

Her boyfriend beat up her 2 year old?? I would report this to Social Services.

You need to prioritise your own children and tell her that.
You cannot afford to visit her.
That's it.

Agree Thats I couldn’t be friends, our values are just too different.

Have you spoken to SS about your concerns?

Well that’s quite the drip feed. One of her boyfriends beat up her 2 year old and you still profess that she’s a good mum? No, she fucking isn’t.
If this is real, get a grip and call social services.

Fucks sake.

Whoa! I take this back. Missed your update.

@Bluetrousers i think you’re aware this is beyond your capabilities as a young friend and single mom to help with. You’ve done your best but if you really want to support your friend and keep her children physically safe (from future beatings and hunger), you need to encourage your friend to seek support from social services and if she won’t tell them by a certain deadline then you will if that’s what it takes to keep those poor babies safe. You have to let her know it’s taking a toll on your own mental health also and if this leads to her rejecting your friendship then so be it. You get to walk away with a clear conscience and the balls in her court.

Honestly. I can see what she gets from this friendship. Money, attention, reassurance, company.

What do you get?

I think its fine if your circs mean you cant give what you always have. If you really wanted to consider seeing her you could when you have plans with your children say to her. We're going to XYZ on this date at this time, if you wanted to meet us there it would be lovely. And if she shows up she shows up...

I wouldn’t be friends with her either.

I wouldn't want to be close to her either after what you've said.

She sounds like she needs professional help, can you let her know local contacts?

Unfortunately this is real social services signed her off they have been involved and signed off again since. Domestic violance is very complicated and doesn’t make someone a bad parent sometimes they need help which she did get the issue is her life is still so many heavy and that’s what is annoying to watch when I gave up so much of my own time