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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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7 replies

IToldYouSoSee · 22/07/2025 19:10

One of my friends at work is struggling. She split with her partner last year, and moved to be nearer her family. It was all rather unpleasant, they had 2 kids (adopted) and one has gone with each parent.

The one who my friend has moved with is high functioning autistic/ADHD. From what she says he is unmanageable - violent to her, steals from her, destroys things, horrible to other kids. Has 100% refused school since she moved, she has managed together him into a place for SEN from Sept.

Her role often requires her to chair meetings/deliver training across Teams. The child is very disruptive and work have basically said she can’t do childcare while working. They know he needs constant supervision as she’s sought welfare support from work, and he’s been seen talking to her in meetings numerous times, he just won’t leave her alone. He’s 12 but can’t be trusted to be left on his own for longer than 15 minutes. He’s done things at her relatives homes that means they will not help.

She was kind of managing and had got him into a summer club, but after 3 days they’ve said he can’t come any more - stealing, being spiteful to other kids, wrecking things etc. she’s now got 3 weeks with no childcare, and she can’t afford the £100 per day her babysitter costs.

Any ideas to help her? She’s had tutors for a bit of time from SS but the support is pitiful tbh. I’m really concerned about her.

OP posts:
AbzMoz · 22/07/2025 19:28

Summer clubs with specialist provision for DCs needs. Check out the local authority offer for summer programmes with SEND.
Work can support her to do her chairing /noisy meetings at those times and reschedule around dc’s needs (within reason)?

IToldYouSoSee · 22/07/2025 19:34

The senior manager (and policy) say you cannot work and do childcare as a regular thing. Obviously there are policies etc around dependents leave etc but she’s used all of that. The LA offer very little for SEND kids, she has him booked in for the week they offer.

OP posts:
RhaenysRocks · 22/07/2025 19:44

Can the dad have him? At least for a while? This is not just her problem to solve.

SilenceInside · 22/07/2025 19:48

In my area, South East of England there is a charity that runs holiday clubs for children with autism, adhd or similar diagnoses. It’s small numbers with high staff ratio. I wonder if there’s anything like that where she is? Finding specialist provision during the holidays is a nightmare if your child can’t manage the usual holiday club settings.

But, also, the dad needs to care for his child during the holidays too. It can’t all be on her just because he’s living with her. Some of the time he must surely be seeing his dad?

IToldYouSoSee · 22/07/2025 20:00

It was a same sex relationship. The other parent refuses to have the boy visit because he trashes everything and upsets his sister.

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SilenceInside · 22/07/2025 20:14

I don’t suppose there’s any point discussing how shit that is of this child’s other parent as it’s not going to be helpful to the resident parent.

At some point, it may end up with your friend having to leave her work if she can’t get appropriate childcare. Any chance it’s an area where she could freelance and work during term term only?

IToldYouSoSee · 22/07/2025 20:44

The split was nasty, involved coercive control and DV.

I think if the senior boss doesn’t allow it for 3 weeks she will have to take unpaid leave.

OP posts:
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