Feel like my DS doesn’t know I’m his Mum

[Champagnesupernovas]

I have a DS 15 months. I went back to work after 11 months maternity leave and I couldn’t negotiate any drop in hours so I’m working full time.

Im finding it so difficult and heartbreaking never spending any time with my son. He splits his time between nursery and my MIL and I feel like he prefers me to her and doesn’t even know I’m him mum. I don’t think increasing nursery hours is a good idea as I don’t have anything against my MIL and I realistically know it’s better for his welfare to spend some time in her care. It’s just breaking me how little time I spend with him.

This weekend I am going away with friends, it’s been arranged for a year, which means I won’t even see him at the weekend. I’m eaten up with guilt thinking he won’t even know me soon.

I’m actually pregnant and due in December so I can’t leave my job either especially as I have a good maternity package. I don’t want to quit working and to be honest we can’t afford it. I just feel so bad all the time! Is it normal to feel like this? Do you think my DS knows I’m still his mum?

Surely you spend the morning getting him
up and ready for nursery, evenings putting him to bed and the weekends with him?

I work FT. I've got two children and remember feeling the same as this with my first.
Of course he knows you're his mum. He won't prefer his grandma to you! Just wait. The older they get the better it gets. When he's chatting away to you and telling you he loves you ❤️

Yes I do but he’s quite often at nursery for 8.30, picked up at 5 and then in bed for 7 so I don’t feel like it’s really quality time.

I am sure he knows who you are but it's hard when they are full time in childcare. When I had DC2, I removed DC1 from nursery (2 at the time). It was hard work but I felt I reclaimed some time (I couldn't also afford nursery fees on mat leave)

Surely this will balance out a bit while you’re on mat leave and he’s getting a bit older and able to understand more? He won’t be going to MIL while you’re off work will he?

It is so hard. I was lucky that I was able to go part time after returning from maternity. I did full time for a few weeks after the first but it was awful. With the bed times being early too I really didn't have much time with him at all and the time I did have in the week felt like it was mostly taken up by just feeding, bathing and dressing. Maybe book in some annual leave if you have any to spend some more time together.

He quite obviously knows youre his mum.

He has a good bond with your MIL too due to spending time with her - that’s a nice thing.

Working full time, with a baby, and another on the way is difficult. Don’t be too hard on yourself, this period in life has an element of survival to it.

My DD 17 months is in nursery 7:30-6 Monday to Friday and spends every other weekend with her dad. She still loves me very much and is very close to me and affectionate.

Even the mornings, night wakes, mornings and weekends that you have are a lot of time all added together. Like 15 hours per week minimum and 48 hours over the weekend! That adds up to a lot of mummy time if you look at it like that even if it’s spent feeding, bathing, dressing etc.

Presumably if he is 15 months old, you were with him daily (on maternity leave) up until recently, and will be again from December?

I know it is hard spending time away from your toddler (I was part time until DS was about 4, for this exact reason). But this is a time/limited thing. Go part time after you next maternity leave finishes - I worked 80% compressed over 3 days, but even dropping to 4 days per week would mean you have a whole day of time with just them.

I think it’s upsetting me more because I tried to go part time but my requests were rejected for ‘business need’ which I think is allowed.

He’ll be going to nursery 2 days per week whilst I’m on mat leave so I can spend time with new baby and so we can keep the place! But will mean he doesn’t have to do really long days obviously.

I remember feeling like this. 💐 Of course he knows you're his mum. I hope you have a lovely weekend.

Of course he knows your his mum. Plus you’ve only been back at work 4 months and are going on maternity again soon, he will be fine. Do you really think he has no clue who his dad is either?

My first was 6 weeks old when I went back to work. My sister was my childminder so he obviously spent more time with her than me. Initially, he would call both of us ‘mum’ but I was just grateful he had 2 of us who loved him so much. Didn’t do him - or me - any harm and 32 years later, he’s still incredibly close to his auntie but I’m his mum.

It's understandable to be worried but you’ll be on maternity leave soon.

Don't feel guilty OP your little boy knows you're his mum! You deserve a break and enjoy your weekend away.most children are in daycare now.many mums feel similar. Long run you are building a decent future for him .if it helps can you do compressed hours. So a Friday off maybe

I think this is a bit of an uncommon way to feel (from my experience). How you do connect with him when you are together? What sorts of things do you do?

I went back to work full time when my twins were 6 months old, and I didn’t ever feel like I lost the connection with them as their mum. Our evenings and weekends were always full of dedicated time together. They always preferred me/DH over anyone else and I always felt like I knew them best out of anyone else.

That isn’t meant to make you feel worse, but I’m wondering what your time together looks like and how he interacts with you weekends, mornings and evenings?

This was exactly my situation between DC1 and DC2. I quit after DC2 and found a new role that was 4 days per week. It’s hard but count down the days/weeks until your May leave and then you’ll feel so much better. Think about a longer term strategy too, requesting part time again or like me looking for something new! The new job worked out better for me in so many ways. I do 4 days now which is still a lot but the difference that one day can make is huge.

This age and period of life is tough! Hang in there, hopefully it will get better regardless of what happens

Well in the mornings and evenings he’s eating, having bathtime, getting dressed etc. We play together but he is quite independent and will happily play by himself with duplo, cars and his train set. At the weekends more of the same but he does have to come with us if we have chores or the supermarket.

I don’t think it’s an interaction issue. We just spent two weeks together on holiday and he was glued to me for most of it.

5-7 is def quality time

Come home, phones away, upstairs to play room and we just play and roll around until bedtime.
Lovely.
I did everything else before and after the golden window

Independent play is great, but I’d get down more and play with him wherever you can. If it’s not an interaction issue, then what’s making you feel like he doesn’t know you’re his mum? Is it just a worry more than any actual signs?

I think you’re just a bit overwhelmed with going away for the weekend and maybe for the first time, coupled with PG hormones.

He will know you’re his Mum. Go this weekend and enjoy having a nice relaxing time avd come back refreshed.

If I were you I’d ride it out til you give birth, enjoy the full maternity pay and then search for another part time job whilst you are off work. Personally if you can afford it I think it’s better than putting them in a nursery and you can always increase your hours when they start school. But that’s just my opinion

So what from that makes you think he doesn’t no your his mum?

I remember feeling the same. One day DS was ill. Childminder phoned to day he wouldn't stop crying. So l had to leave work to collect him. As soon as l picked him up, he stopped crying & snuggled into me & fell asleep. That's when l knew he definitely knew who l was!

Sorry you are feeling this way it’s a time old issue isn’t? Mums having to work, children with Nannie’s, nurseries or childminders…I am sure he knows you are mummy. Even if he doesn’t know it yet - you do…so let the mum guilt (for lack of a better expression go)
there is little boy in one of our baby groups who cones in with his granny. He is by the far the cleanear, tidiest, and smartest little boy there. I wonder if it’s just that granny has just had years of experience that she doesn’t look as frazzled as the rest of us and it really sets the little boy apart from the rest of us new mums. If your MIL is anything like her then your boy is definitely at an advantage on all fronts.
i am on mat leave too so not a dig at you or anyone one else but with another on the way how do you get more time and money? I am doing the maths and I think it’s just going to be the one as with both our jobs we won’t have the time/energy or finances for another…open to ideas here on how most people make it work. My family is abroad, husbands parents are deceased (no siblings) so no extra pair of hands.. also we won’t qualify for any benefits which I think is fair enough. (I didn’t get the child benefit either). I won’t be asking work for a flexible work options my choice to have a baby shouldn’t disrupt the business or impact my colleagues.

Unpopular opinion - of course leaving your baby for hours a week impacts their attachment to you. Babies at nursery have significantly raised cortisol levels.