To want to take this approach with a colleague

[NotSmallButFunSize]

I work in a large team, there are 4 of us who have the same role as me.

One of my same role colleagues I really don't get on with, a lot of the wider team also find her difficult. She has a very large sense of superiority, likes to tell people what to do, is very backstabbing (is mates with the managers so tells them everything she hears) and lots of other things that become quite outing to describe.

She doesn't like me (I can tell), mostly I think because I have come to the team relatively recently and she doesn't like that I don't kiss her ass and that I have made suggestions she doesn't like for the work. However, she does that sickly, pretending we're all mates crap to your face that is even worse by knowing it's all a load of BS.

I sometimes consider actually just saying to her that we both know we aren't friends and we don't like each other so why don't we just cut the crap and stop the fakeness - let's just get on with our jobs and that's all.

AIBU to do this? I literally don't care about what she would think of me because of it - I know she doesn't like me anyway. My boss knows we have a difficult relationship and is supportive of me having to deal with it and I guess I worry she will think I am being immature. I feel like it will make things easier and actually cause less stress!

Well, you don't have to engage in fake friendliness, surely, unless you want to? Just be civil and professional. No need for some kind of showdown about not pretending to be friends. If you're pretending to be her friend, just stop.

Be careful what you say- bullies and backstabs love nothing more than to rile up the person that stands up to them and when they get told ‘off’ especially in front of others they then can run around bleating about being bullied.

Years ago I ran a team where Christine (her actual name as she retired long ago!) was a witch. She had no management responsibility and no seniority and yet demanded junior staff reported to her etc and she bullied them - several left. I arrived and had exit interview notes so was forewarned. She started on a young new member of staff - I took young member of staff to one side and told her to report to me and her mentor etc Christine invited newbie to a meeting to raise a few pointers she had noticed and got told by me no - any feedback on writing to me. Christine then moved on to bullying a more senior member of staff deliberately changing notes etc move senior member of staff called her out publicly and called her out on it - Christine filed a grievance next day. Fortunately everyone by then was keeping detailed notes and it was Christine who had claimed that she was being bullied that was shown to be the bully mainly through a diary in her drawer where she had written down nasty things about anyone …… Christine however was crying at the start of her meeting and saying how no one understands her trying to help - her face when we brought ‘the book’ (which by the way was company property and a company diary so belonged the the company and had been left open on her desk) was interesting …..

Don't be tempted! Keep your feelings about her to yourself and just be professional. If you tell her you don't like her or don't want to be her friend, or anything that could be interpreted that way, it could get used against you, she'll say you were bullying her.

If I were your boss I'd think you were immature if you came out with something like this to a colleague. It's not a professional way to behave in a team. Be calm and neutral in dealings with her. You don't need to be friends, but you do need to be adult.

Totally agree with this. Absolutely no need to call her out in this way, just be polite and professional as any normal person would be 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is my worry - I wouldn't have ever done it in a big "dramatic" fashion but I guess I am just sick of her laying on all the fake "hun" shit, I just felt like I wanted to find a neutral way to basically make it clear I am not interested!

I guess she would still get this message from just not engaging with it and just having the work conversations as needed

Bad idea, you will give her what she would thrive on. Victimhood….poor me look at what notsmalbutfunsize did to me yada yada.

Stay clear is the advice I would give.

I've not heard anyone talk about fakeness like that since I was in my early 20s. Do not do this. You will not come out of it looking well.

Steer clear, play her at her own game

I work with one like that, recently promoted...

🤔

I dont know why fake friendliness at work would bother you.

Most of my colleagues, id never think of again if I didnt see them in the building. Im there to make money not friends.

And thats not to say im not genuinely friendly with a couple of people but most of them I dont care one way or another about. Id just let her wash over you and say nothing

I sometimes consider actually just saying to her that we both know we aren't friends and we don't like each other so why don't we just cut the crap and stop the fakeness - let's just get on with our jobs and that's all.

There’s no need to do this, just start acting like it. Take the emotion out of work – always.

But unless you're being fake-friendly back, surely it's perfectly clear you aren't her friend? Be polite and professional, and don't engage in 'fake hun' stuff.

I worked with a girl like this and I said more or less what you've suggested.

We then ended up having to sit next to one another on a train to our work Christmas party when she told me that she has gone to boarding school and it all made sense. I said to her that's it Julie, that's why you're cold. She agreed with me and we actually became friends after that.