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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your best advice for surviving the Tweenage years - particularly for girls?

28 replies

tweenagedreams · 22/07/2025 15:56

I have twin DDs just about to leave year 6 - very different from each other but both just quite earnest/keen still and not very worldly.
Other Y6 girls have Stanley cups and designer backpacks and have skincare etc - just somehow seem more put together than my DDs.
I am starting to worry that they will be eaten alive when they go to their secondary school...
They listen to pop music but I haven't taken them to gigs or anything yet - how do parents even know how to be a "cool mom" (for a y6/y7 ??

OP posts:
Wolfpa · 22/07/2025 19:24

What are their hobbies?

snowone · 22/07/2025 21:15

I’m right there with you. My DD starts high school in September too! My DD is trying to keep up with the latest trends etc but I think we are sometimes late to the party mainly because TikTok is banned in this house (the joys of having a mum who is a Safeguarding Lead), and also because I just think that some things (ie Stanley cups) are really not very necessary. I’m trying not to worry myself too much, I know she will find her feet and settle in. I’m sure your DDs will too ☺️

Kiplingg · 23/07/2025 00:08

TikTok is great for keeping you young and up to speed on trends. If you’re keen to keen an eye on these things could you maybe use TikTok (not your DDs, as I agree that would be a big no no for me!)
I think letting them have the ‘in’ items like Stanley cups and the ‘right’ school shoes etc goes a long way!

purpleme12 · 23/07/2025 00:16

My child has no Stanley cups or designer anything really or skincare. I'm she wouldn't say no to these things but she's not asked me for them and isn't into them. Neither has she been to any gigs. She is going into high school too. while there are many things I might worry about with her and high schools, I'm not really worried about these kinds of things no

Lanternsarenice · 23/07/2025 00:25

The great thing about secondary is that it's huge and there are lots of people, with lots of different preferences and interests. (Not everyone is into skin care and Stanley cups). They'll find their people. Give them time.

Dd was never into that sort of thing. Has a huge group of friends and a great uni place.

They'll develop their own interests when they're ready. There's no rush.

researchers3 · 23/07/2025 00:47

They'll be absolutely fine without a Stanley cup - whatever that is.

Encourage them to be kind and true to themselves, not some unimaginative sheep!

NuffSaidSam · 23/07/2025 00:51

Same as the toddler years tbh.

Pick your battles.

Parent the child you have, not the one you wish you had aka meet them where they are.

OneBlossomBee · 23/07/2025 05:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thisisplanetearthapparently · 23/07/2025 05:51

Celebrate that they are confident enough in themselves to follow their own path and keep building on that. Confidence and belief in yourself is the most important thing your children can have in life.

ZenNudist · 23/07/2025 06:04

My ds is same age and doesn't follow trends. If trends include dumb stuff like skincare then it's good your dds are sensible. It doesn't sound like anything to worry about. Enjoy the last of their childhood. They grow up so quickly at secondary school

bibliomania · 23/07/2025 06:10

Better let them be their genuine selves and pursue their genuine interests rather than push them into jumping on trends in a bid for popularity. They're more likely to build authentic relationships and feel secure in themselves.

Philandbill · 23/07/2025 06:25

As others have said let them be themselves. They'll change a lot at secondary school but allow them the space to do it their way as long as they are safe. There is a great book called something like "The Gardener and the Carpenter" about being a parent. Looks at if a parent's task is like a carpenter - to chisel children into the shape we want them to be- or a gardener - to help whatever child the parent has to flourish and grow where it is planted. Made me think a lot... My DD are older, neither doing what I thought they would but both are happy, and that really is the main thing.

OneBlossomBee · 23/07/2025 10:58

Wow, my post got deleted. How odd pointing out that a parent worried about their 11yo girls not wanting skincare or trendy things and focused on being a cool mum is considered bad. Personal attack eh Mumsnet you consider it looking at the rules. No, I'd say me voicing the fact a parent seems to think children of 11 should be following some trends and wantong to know how to be a "cool mum" over the happiness, beimg their own person and letting them just be children is a valud thing to say. People really are fragile at times. They asked for advice and their whole post about their twins not bothering about Stanley cups or bags is strange to value materialism over who their twins being who they are.🙄

DeafLeppard · 23/07/2025 11:01

It's easier at secondary because it's more likely there will be girls like them who aren't into the whole makeup/stanley cup thing. My DD has found y7 much easier because of the choice - she's iterating through various groups and dips in and out of the circles as she feels they best fit where she is as a person right now.

Bubblesgun · 23/07/2025 11:05

@tweenagedreams

Group of girlfriends, one trip away a year (no husbands no kids), lots of laughter, renew yourself (go back to work, start your own company, anything), develop and EVEN BIGGER sense of humour (or develop one if you re like me 😛), and remember rhis too shall pass.
ah and pick your battles!

StrawberryThief1930 · 23/07/2025 11:15

well my year 7 going into year 8 DD is currently sat on her bedroom floor playing with her Sylvanian families village. some might say thats too babyish but in my opinion its better than being glued to a phone.

she does however have a stanley cup!

pick and choose. your girls will find their own way, you don't need to be a cool mum. just be their mum.

Malaco · 23/07/2025 11:20

My youngest just left school, but I had one who was into trends and one who wasn't. They both just found like minded friends at secondary and were happy. (Bigger pool at secondary than at primary, where there tends to be a pecking order.) I did worry when the eldest was about to join secondary though.

TrayGertie · 23/07/2025 11:31

They’re more like to be ‘worldly’ quicker if you relax in your own skin and not try and be a ‘cool mum’

mumonthehill · 23/07/2025 11:35

I have 2 ds, one that was really bothered about feeling left out of trends and one not at all. I agree with pick your battles, I remember buying the Superdry bag for year 7 as it was the must have apparently and it felt like so much money but ds felt more confident and included with it so did buy it. Other things like the must have phone etc I refused. With younger ds who is not into these things it is giving them confidence to be ok with who they are and the choices they make and to feel ok to give a voice to this. Ds found friends who are the same as him.

NerrSnerr · 23/07/2025 11:57

My eldest has just left year 6. She is aware of trends but currently isn’t too interested in following. I did get her some basic moisturiser (simple) and she likes to experiment with makeup a little bit.

My mum used to look down on every tend and act like we were above what other children had (Naff Co jackets etc) and for a while I had a chip on my shoulder because of it. I make sure that I don’t talk negative about other people’s choices. If someone has a Stanley cup- how lovely that they have something they like. Doesn’t make her want one more (or at all).

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/07/2025 11:59

I had three girls and two boys. The only advice I have for that tweenage period is to keep your sense of humour, find at least one thing you have in common with each of them, and learn the words to all the songs that they enjoy.

Singing very very loudly along with the radio (as in was in the days when mine were that age) was what got us through some dreadful times.

RitaAndFrank · 23/07/2025 12:02

I came here to offer some sage advice but then saw you were more interested in being a ‘cool mom’ and your dds following trends so not sure I have much to offer you 👋

WineThirty · 23/07/2025 12:13

i have 2 DDs, now at uni. I found y7 fine for both of them (one who would have been considered "cool" and one less so). Both found their tribe and had no issues in that regard. If they care about having the same school bags and water bottles as everyone else, it might actually be better to wait until after they start (and just use whatever they have in the meantime) as what is popular can change from year to year.

I found yrs 8 and 9 the most difficult in terms of friendship issues , but only for one of them - you can get lucky! That was also when some of the girls started to develop EDs etc (luckily not mine). I agree with the pick your battles advice - it is important to have an open dialogue so they feel able to raise issues as they arise. Try to identify a time of day or situation when their guard tends to be down and so they are more likely to discuss stuff. Some people say car journeys work well for this for example as the lack of eye contact takes the pressure off.

madnessitellyou · 23/07/2025 12:13

Just let them find themselves. Be open to allowing them to follow a trend, but only if you want to. My dds can have a Stanley cup, sure. If they pay for it…

With bags and the like, make sure that the school doesn’t insist on a particular type and allow them to pick what they want (although I would say if they are wanting anything that looks like it might come from Smiggle then gently steer away).

I work at a huge secondary school and very rarely if ever do I hear about bullying due to the “wrong” bag, or not wearing make-up, or not having the “right” bottle. If that should happen, then just tell your dds more about them than it does them!

FWIW neither of my dds (nearly 18 and nearly 15) are particularly slaves to the latest thing. Dd1 only wears make-up when she’s going out out. She’s her own person. So is dd2. They both have friends who are either like them or don’t care because they are friends with a person, not the owner of a dresser-full of Sephora. I think that’s the message they need to hear.

Keep your interactions light and pick your battles. There will be a phase when even breathing in a specific way will be worthy of execution but you’ll get through it!

Reginaphalangeeeee · 23/07/2025 12:19

If you want her in with the crowd that are keeping up with latest trends then that will be her ‘thing’.

I would trust the process, let your DD decide what they are into rather than trying to copy everyone else as that does nothing for their self confidence and no one ever keeps up so always feel out as soon as in.

My daughter quicklybdecided thenpipular girls were not actually that kind and always said things about their friends behind their backs. This has led her to seek out people like her, kind, loyal, into reading, sports and music. She hangs in the library, meet new people at choir and is happier than ever.

My younger tween is more influenced by others but I hope she will find her own path too and not learn the hard way as some girls do (mean girls take all their confidence).