Ex wants to get 7y/o phone to cut me out of contact

[Twentyoneagainx]

Hi,
My ex has been back in our child's life for 9 months, after 4 years no contact. All was ok in the beginning. Not a comfortable situation for me, as ex was very abusive during the relationship however, I pushed through for sake of our child.
Said child, 7, thinks their dad is amazing and is very keen to see them as much as possible. Currently sees them one day a week every fortnight. Ex has been offered more contact, but says they have work commitments. Child has asked to sleep overnight but nothing ever materialises.

Ex introduced girlfriend to child two months ago, despite myself and child stating this is too soon. She now comes with him on every pick up and drop off. I smile and am approachable, but she always greets us with a blank expression. Personally, I'd rather get along and remain polite for my child's comfort.

Ex used to take child out and do things with them until girlfriend was introduced however, now they go to grandparents or they are sent upstairs to play with her children, who are much older. We would occasionally message regarding child, and replies would always take days until he was back in work and I'd get a response.
He recently asked for my phone number, as I'd questioned why he was changing dates of contact frequently. I know from previous experience, that this call would have probably involved him screaming and then twisting my words. I declined and said I was happy to keep all conversations via messages.
He now refuses to respond to absolutely any message I send, has began being early and late picking child up from chosen location and has told child that he will be buying them a phone, so he can message them regarding contact.
It was going so well and I can't decide really who the problem is. I can't decide if it is her encouraging him to freeze me out, or if it is him reverting back to controlling behaviour. However, I do feel a child who is 7, 8 next month, is too young to have to deal with the tooing and frowing of arrangements of their own contact. Am I being unreasonable?

There is absolutely no way this can happen. When I went through court, my ex was shot down when he started saying that he’d give son a phone for contact. He was about 6 at the time. Judge said absolutely not. I suggest you get a parent communication app where all messages are submissable to court should you need them to be. He’s trying to control the narrative here.

I would assume this is why he wants your child to have a phone. He doesn't call him at the moment so there's no reason why he needs a phone to do so.

If you thwart this, I would be wary of trackers coming home in your child's things instead.

@IhadaStripeyDeckchair thank you for the link, I will look into this. He used to threaten to get a tracker for my car, when we were in a relationship.
@TheFormidableMrsC I will look into that. Thank you for adding your experience, this really is helpful.

@CanOfMangoTango not a situation anyone wants to go through, checking your child's shoes etc for trackers. The phone will definitely be going off though. Should he manage to slip it into our possession.

This isn't about a phone. He's back for a reason and it's not to be dad of the year. I wouldn't pay much attention to the girlfriend. Abusive men stay abusive usually, she probably doesn't have much of a say in things.

You need this to go through the courts I think. Your bairn will see through her dad at some point it might be a big bumpy.

For the late drop off, arrange to go to a second location (e.g. if it's Costa, go to McDonald's for tea, Asda for a shop or a play location to meet a friend after 10 mins). Message as you are leaving the original location and he'll soon get used to being on time.
Even if he's not having your DC overnight he can still pick up from school. They won't take any 20 mins late nonsense - he'll be charged for after school club.
If he starts sending the phone home to track it, check your DC pockets and bag when you receive them. If you don't feel comfortable doing that in his presence, wait till he's gone or move somewhere nearby.

@drspouse He can't collect from school, as doesn't fit his work schedule. I won't be offering a second drop off point. I may start messaging "let me know when you've arrived." He doesn't like being kept waiting himself.

Giving a 7 year old a phone ‘to arrange contact’ is pointless. It means that he’s calling the shots as you’d presumably be expected to fall in line to facilitate whatever dad comes up with - or be the bad guy. Just say no. Or make sure you keep custody of phone - turned off - when your child is in your care.

@EvelynBeatrice this is exactly what it's about. You are 100% correct. When they get to secondary school and are more independent, I'll have no issue with it (to a point obviously) however, while I'm still in charge of day to day care, as well as meeting my own needs, it won't be happening. Bracing myself for drama. He clearly still doesn't like anything not his own way. At the detriment of our child, or not.

I would suggest getting the Oir Family wizard coparenting app. If you are on any benefits you can apply for their hardship fund and get it free, otherwise it is about £120 a year. You can do everything on there, including checking in to a location, calls, messages, calendar, phonecalls, dhare documents like hospital letters school stuff, etc. Nothing can be deleted, and all can be used in court. Really helped me. Might be worth going through that as courts will use it as evidence and see it as more reliable than things that are not coparenting apps.

Checking in- you can notify him that you have arrived, but also you can just log it without him knowing so that if it ended up in court then they can see that you arrived and waited, gives you more evidence.

He's returned to his old ways of being a controlling bully and confusing your child.

You need to email him and state

• you will not answer door if he is early, and don't feel comfortable being at your property earlier or other than agreed times.
• if he is late,, you will wait 15 mins and then plan other activities with child.

( this will be easier to stick to if handover location is off your property in the community).

• 7 year old will not be given a phone at your house, it will be returned to father
• it's completely inappropriate to place the burden of the admin for child arrangements on a 7 year old.
• for you to coparent he needs to communicate about child arrangements.
• you will assume no more contact is happening unless you hear back from him.

@BookArt55 I've never heard of this. I will look into it, thank you.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum we do handover in a public place always. I do not want him having our home location, due to previous stalking.
He has begun arriving late at drop offs, obviously knowing I can't do much. I do have a plan for this though. Thank you for the points you have made, I really appreciate them.