Feeling let down by my only support system

[carlaxh]

Im 29, happily married, and recently became a mum (my baby is 6 months) for the first time. I lost my own mum unexpectedly at 23, we were incredibly close, and it was a huge loss. Over time, I became quite close to my in-laws, especially after getting pregnant, as they were very supportive during my pregnancy and early postpartum months. I don’t have much support from my own family, so their presence meant a lot.

However, things have shifted. After a situation happened SIL visited unannounced, which upset me and so she got offended as it is normal in her culture, and ever since our relationship grew awkward. I was just shocked to see her at my door step that’s all and then told her to come in but was quite quiet for a couple minutes then I pulled myself together to make her feel welcome and moved on from the situation. I then found out she was extremely upset by my reaction at the door (I was genuinely so surprised). I found out the next day she called my husband ranting to him saying how unwelcome I made her feel and that she couldn’t believe my reaction

Later, after moving in with my in-laws temporarily to save money, a minor argument between me and my husband (nothing major I was just tired and snapped at him) spiraled when his family got involved. The following day my father in law said I should support my husband more (literally came out of no where), MIL made some harsh comments about how I should be coping better as it’s just one child I’m raising (disguised as “banter”), which really hurt. And that I’m lucky my husband (her son) is a hands on dad (LOL I know). Though we “made up,” she’s been cold and distant since, despite my efforts. It hurts because 8 years of knowing her I never knew she would make a comment like that to me and never ever in a million years thought we would argue.

Now, I feel a real sense of loss. I relied on them emotionally, and the dynamic has changed. We’re planning to move out soon due to the tension, but I can’t help feeling sad and wondering if I somehow caused all this even though, deep down, I don’t think I did

If you are happily married then why isn’t your DH your support system?

You’ve got a lot going on, either way a baby and moving in with your inlaws

i would say, carry on as best you can and if they are good people it will blow over. Also, once you move out things will get better (living with in-laws is hard !)

but I understand your sense of loss.

I think you should talk to your health visitor or GP, you’ve posted several similar threads which you’ve had replies to and you seem quite distressed and fixated on your in laws. Having a baby can bring up a lot and it’s good if you can get real life support as well as chatting to people online.

How would a GP/health visitor help in this situation?

I think moving out will help.

An adult moving back home can be stressful enough, but with a wife and baby also, it can really put pressure on the whole house.

With regards to your SIL, I hate unexpected guests, in fact my husband's niece turned up out of the blue last week just as I was cooking dinner.

But I would never have gone quiet on her even for a few minutes, as that's rude and she would've been mortified to be treated that way.

Honestly I was sleep deprived and in the newborn trenches so I was just tired and feeling low already. Before that she also came along to my house unexpectedly with her mate to “see the baby” when she was only a couple weeks old. No heads up nothing. she also used to always involve herself with mine and DH outings / dates in the past until I pulled him up on it. Does that make my reaction to her unannounced visit more forgivable?

Living with ILs and a newborn would be hard for most people and tensions would flare. They’re doing a lot practically to support you by having your family stay 24/7 and that probably takes the shine off the nicer side of your relationship that needs space and time apart. It might resettle when you’ve moved out and are beyond this stage, but for now try to focus on yourself and the baby and look to DH (and any friends) for support not the ILs. It’s hard to life together and they’ll find your argument with DH upsetting just as you find her comments upsetting.

The SIL’s issue with you - after she ranted to your DH, did he/you explain or apologise? If so and she’s still off with you, then that’s a shame but I wouldn’t feel bad about it if possible. SIL relationships can be tricky and again with a newborn around things get more sensitive and revealing about people. She’s not a great candidate for support so take it as a sign to look elsewhere for that. Did you join any groups to meet other mothers? Is there anyone from work you’re close to, maybe someone a bit older with kids? Otherwise I hope your DH is being a good support.

As I say, it’s really hard to all live together and I’m sure it’s that rather you specifically but they love him and the baby unconditionally so if there’s tension, it’s bound to focus on you no matter what you do and the SIL incident won’t have helped, however minor it seems it will have fed in. In short, it’s not you, it’s the situation and ILs probably aren’t able to be what you need, but take them as they are and hopefully things will improve when you move.

You posted this identical thread a few days ago. What are you hoping to get today that you didn’t get then?

How would asking random strangers on mumsnet for advice help?

Your GP or health visitor can direct you to appropriate support. Whatever the situation at home, it helps to get an outside perspective. Preferably from a trained professional.

Living together exacerbates tensions.

Are you and DH doing things to show appreciation for them letting you live there?

Cooking, meal out, takeaways, flowers, ice cream, exotic fruit or other special food items you know PIL love?

Are you and DH helping to clean? Doing the food shop?

Once you and DH move back out, send a letter thanking them for their hospitality and tell them how much you appreciate them. Invite them for a meal.

It will be a reset of your relationship.

If they are genuinely nice and supportive people , odds are the relationship will improve when you move out. At the moment you’re all under eachother’s feet, the dynamic has changed and there’s a baby in the mix. If these are people you like and want in your life in the future, play the long game and let the small things go.

You make a really good point. After she vented to DH I reached out to her and went above and beyond to make peace. I apologised, invited her over, cooked and baked for her, helped with errands, etc. I can be a bit of a people pleaser and tend to feel guilty easily. I just never in my life had someone turn up at my door step that’s why I was genuinely shocked. Plus I was sleep deprived, deep in the newborn phase, and emotionally drained. It wasn’t just that incident either. She once turned up at my house unannounced with a friend to “see the baby” when my daughter was only a couple of weeks old and I didn’t say anything and was very positive with her. She also would constantly involve herself into mine and my DH plans in the past like date nights until I finally spoke to him about it years later.

I forgot to mention also when she had her rant to him, she said some really hurtful things, threatening to cut us off completely… was it really that bad that I showed my true reaction that I was shocked to see her on my doorstep? We otherwise have (had) a fantastic relationship. Because of this one thing I’m suddenly the worst? Am I being unreasonable?