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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What would you do?

22 replies

WinterFaye2 · 21/07/2025 21:47

Hello everyone,

I’ll try and keep this brief and avoid drip feeding but could really do with strangers perspective on this.

Background - 2 sisters, 4 years apart, now 30’s/early 40’s. One with partner & young children (eldest sister) one with a partner both don’t want children (youngest sister).

Upbringing wasn’t a fully happy affair. Lots of emotional abuse (mainly towards eldest sibling), some threatened physical, lots of smashing things up, throwing etc. Currently there’s lots of not answering/pretending you aren’t there/ignoring from the Dad but otherwise far removed from the situation.

The way the conversations went with the eldest as a teen was - don’t expect any money from us, we aren’t going to help you if you want to go to university etc basically lead to a hyper independent eldest sibling. Worked from age 13. This filtered down into things like first grandchild got a new baby gift, second grandchild didn’t…little things.

Younger sibling was very different. Had an allowance at university, weekly shopping delivered from parents etc. Given money to travel.

So treated quite differently with perspective. Elder sibling has always been the default one, there for issues/problems. Both get on fine.

Current situation - younger sibling is upsizing home/moving to a better area. Move is affordable but wants to keep her mortgage payments the same. Lives separate from partner by choice. Has asked parents for a gift of money. No financial hardship. Long term partner is a v.high earner (around 140k+). The gift agreed is around £20k. Not to be paid back it’s 100% a gift. Parents still together.

Eldest sibling made aware of this through a drip feed of information. Parents tried to keep this quiet but younger sibling had told the eldest.

Eldest hasn’t had any contact from parents now they are aware she knows about this. Mum reached out today asking eldest for a coffee.

If you were in this situation as the eldest or youngest sibling how would you react/deal with this going forward?

Trying to avoid the drip feed, I am the older sibling. I’m trying to view this by taking emotion out of it and viewing it from someone else’s shoes….I know this isn’t normal behaviour as a family. I treat my children the same without question. I don’t want to fall out about money, especially money that isn’t mine. It’s been engrained in me to never expect anything and that hasn’t changed. But equally I’m a bit gutted at the difference in treatment.

What should I do?

YABU - what do you expect, just carry on
YANBU - It’s not really normal behaviour from a family.

Help!

OP posts:

TheTwitcher11 · 21/07/2025 21:53

YANBU - they give to all, or they give to none. It’s that simple.

Laura95167 · 21/07/2025 21:54

I dont think its normal, to treat your children differently. But I also think its their money and they can choose how they spend it.

She asked and they could have said no or said they could only afford less as they wanted to give to siblings equally but they didnt.

There is a school of thought that treating kids fairly doesnt mean the same and they may have a misguided view she needs more than you do. Or they may just like her more.

Your younger sister will take it because she asked for it. She didnt ask for it instead of you, shes not responsible for her getting a gift while you dont.

If it were me id be hurt by parents but it sounds like its expected behaviour of them

GrumpyInsomniac · 21/07/2025 21:55

It’s unfair. And they know it’s unfair. But I doubt you will change them 💐

I’ve learned to make my peace with this kind of thing in my family. But I wouldn’t say it gets easier. I don’t blame my siblings. I don’t think they realise the disparity. But it sucks. I’m the dutiful one while the youngest is the golden child, and nothing either of us can do will change that.

Laura95167 · 21/07/2025 21:55

I dont think its normal, to treat your children differently. But I also think its their money and they can choose how they spend it.

She asked and they could have said no or said they could only afford less as they wanted to give to siblings equally but they didnt.

There is a school of thought that treating kids fairly doesnt mean the same and they may have a misguided view she needs more than you do. Or they may just like her more.

Your younger sister will take it because she asked for it. She didnt ask for it instead of you, shes not responsible for her getting a gift while you dont.

If it were me id be hurt by parents but it sounds like its expected behaviour of them

Could you go for the coffee and ask DM why?

Givenupshopping · 21/07/2025 21:58

I think you've been treated like shit by your parents your whole life OP, and in your shoes, I would be cutting them out of my life. What a miserable way to treat your eldest child! They should be ashamed of themselves.

Ohthedaffodils · 21/07/2025 22:00

I would go NC if I were you. At least they can’t continue to hurt you.

Sunflower459 · 21/07/2025 22:00

This has happened to me, too. I accepted this as their right, while politely but firmly making clear the expectation that my younger sibling will do the lion’s share of whatever support and care the parent(s) need later on. The one who gets the most sugar gets the most shit.

Gazelda · 21/07/2025 22:03

YABU. What do you expect.

however, I totally sympathise. Empathise.

You’ve been treated so unfairly. It’s difficult to see how this won’t affect your relationship with your parents. But it would be such a shame if it were to spoil your relationship with your sis. Does she acknowledge the disparity in your upbringing?

if I were you, I’d try to let it drop. You won’t be able to change things. They’re never going to apologise and acknowledge the unfairness.

I decided to be directly and proudly independent. Underneath, I’d secretly have loved to be secure in the knowledge my parents had my back and would be there for me financially if I ever needed it.

it’s so sad that parents can’t see the hurt they cause.

Spirallingdownwards · 21/07/2025 22:03

Have the coffee with your mum. Express your disappointment with how you have been treated unfairly not only in this regard but historically too. See what she has to sat.

Keep calm but be prepared to get up and wall away.

defrazzled · 21/07/2025 22:05

I'd have the coffee and ask for £20K tbh

AbzMoz · 21/07/2025 22:06

I’d go with an open mind to DM and if the topic of this gift comes up just ask what would they like to do about it? Do you need any money (ignoring the fact that if asked of course we could all likely use it)? They could gift you the equivalent, they could carve out £20k of inheritance to you first before being split, or they could decide to exclude you entirely…

It sounds like you’ve had a pretty shitty ride of it for a long time and now’s the chance to opt out and determine what you want going forward.

herbalteabag · 21/07/2025 22:08

If I were the elder sister I would find it very hard to maintain anything resembling a normal relationship with my parents, particularly as this is a life long situation and not just a recent thing. I believe in treating siblings the same, perhaps not at the same time, but when each one needs it.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 21/07/2025 22:14

I’m the younger sister who was given £20k (for a wheelchair accessible vehicle without which I’d have lost my independence, so very different situation). My parents offered the same amount to my sister to make it fair but she initially refused. I felt really awkward about it and tried to talk her into taking it. She did eventually take it a couple of years later for home improvements.

Years ago a friend of mine inherited all her great aunts money (the aunt had lived with them when she was growing up), with her brother being completely overlooked. She just gave him half and didn’t tell him about the will.

How does your sister feel about it? I’m genuinely astonished that she’s willing to keep taking money off them knowing how unfair they’re being. I don’t understand how she could be okay with that.

nomas · 21/07/2025 22:38

Your parents are awful. I would go NC with them.

Sorry for all you’ve been through.

BBQmuncher · 22/07/2025 04:40

I would go NC with the lot. you have been treated appallingly and they continue to treat you like an afterthought. It's toxic. Is there anything they add to your life than grief? doesn't sound like it.

Meadowfinch · 22/07/2025 05:14

It isn't fair but that's families for you. So many parents seem to treat their offspring unequally.

I'd go for a coffee, see if your dm brings up the subject of the gift. Perhaps she is going to offer you the same. If she raises it in conversation I would calmly state that you think such favoritism is completely unfair, and then leave her to think about it.

In the end, they are entitled to do whatever they wish with their money but if there is no equal support for you, I'd stop being available to help.

Marmalady75 · 22/07/2025 05:28

I have a friend who was in a similar situation (although she was the middle child). She found out years later that her dad suspected the mum was having an affair around the time of her conception and never believed she was actually his daughter. It was very obvious that she was disliked by him and her mum always took his side.

I’m not suggesting your mum had an affair, but could there be some unspoken reason why they treat you so differently? Or is it simply that your sister is the baby and gets everything while you are independent and they think you don’t need anything?

HappiestSleeping · 22/07/2025 07:00

@WinterFaye2 I am in the same situation. My mother has given my sibling way more than me. She used to say that she wants to be fair, but we had a very frank conversation one day where I said that she should either be fair, or stop saying it. She told me that there was no way to balance the scales, and has since stopped saying that she wants to be fair.

I am happy with this. Ultimately, it's her money and she can do with it as she pleases.

lljkk · 22/07/2025 16:58

I would want to hear if parents agree with story OP told.

Vaxtable · 22/07/2025 17:23

Basically the youngest child is the golden child

i can’t be doing with it so would listen to what your mother has to say when you have coffee and take it from there

if it’s they can’t give you the same then I would be pointing out how differently you have been treated all your life and that it ends now and until such time as they do treat you the same, and that includes giving the same gift if £20k you want nothing to do with them, will not help them out and they won’t see your children, who they also treat differently

If you want a relationship with your sister fine but I would tell her you don’t want to know anything about your parents or what they have done for her, and that she will be responsible for dealing with them when they want help as they get older

Focus on your and your partner and kids

Zanatdy · 22/07/2025 17:25

Unreasonable for them to do this. Give same to both, or to neither.

Mischance · 22/07/2025 17:43

Your sister boldly asked for £20K - you do the same and see what happens! Go to your coffee with a list of items that you need - make sure they total £20k.

Good luck!

Having said that I have 3 adult DDs and they are all in very different financial circumstances. They are all hard working and what they have is down to their own efforts, but one is a high earner, one has some inherited wealth from an in-law, and the other just struggles along. Do I help them financially? - if so who should get more? It is a real conundrum.

Mind you I have nothing much to give, and the best way I can help them is by dying so they get the equity in my home!!

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