To make this decision?

[PinkMoonCloud]

I had a breakdown last year and was quite unwell, spending a couple of months in hospital. I am thankfully well on the way to recovery now and feeling much like my old self.

during the time I was unwell my daughters father took the decision to put her in nursery full time. I’m now as I say much better, and this is coming up to being the last year before she starts reception in 2026 and I want as much time with her as possible.

the nursery she goes to is about half an hour away which is fine, and costs about £55 a day.

I want her to start the preschool connected to the school she will be going to, in September and leave the nursery she is at now. I can take her the same time I take our son, she’ll get to know the children she will go to to reception with and get used to more of a school setting, it’s also much closer. She is only really going to nursery one day a week now anyway but my daughter’s father is still paying for full time place as he’s “scared I’ll go backwards”

he’s basically using the past year against me, saying I think I’m super mum now but let’s not forget last year I was threatening to go to a bridge in front of the kids (he said this in front of the kids last night) I “didn’t give a shit about them when I was mental” and how it’s all forgotten about how much he did while I was “in fairyland” and how it’s all down to him we have the kids. This is coming from someone who’s done nothing but nag me for sex for months and wanted to “see if we can salvage the relationship”

Opinions please?

Your “daughter’s father”……is this your boyfriend, partner, man you live with, also the father of your son??
either way, it sounds like you both have much bigger issues than where and when your daughter goes to nursery. Hard to say which of you is being unreasonable,

@MiddleAgedDread I don’t even know myself. Me and the kids moved out at Easter and before then we weren’t very good. We’ve been together 13 years but it’s so toxic. He said the whole time I was poorly that he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me or not and left me in limbo. My mental health massively improved when I left not sure if it’s coincidental or not. As far as I’m concerned we are seperated as I say I haven’t spend a night in the same house as him since March, but he thinks he holds the cards and keeps saying he wanted to see if we could salvage something. He won’t buy me out and isn’t pushing to take my name off the mortgage, some of my belongings are still there. It’s really difficult. Yes he’s both children’s father but he only has our daughter stay a couple of nights a week. My son will spend days with him but he won’t stay over and gets really beside himself so I end up going for him.

Hmmm I’d suggest not making a lot of big changes. It sounds like a lot was going on last year. My advice, not knowing anything else, is to give your daughter the stability of what she knows. Transitioning next year shouldn’t be a big deal.

it also sounds like there are other issues between you and that is likely to be the priority right now.

I agree with this.

I also think that him paying for the full time place even if she’s not always using it, just so you have it as back up, is probably a good thing. A bit of a safety net can’t hurt.

I agree with the PP who say that it would probably be best to keep her where she is.

however you said it’s half an hour away - does that cause you issues?

also - why is she only going one day per week? It might help her to step this up a gear to start getting her used to school?

@blacklabradorsandchilledrose it does a bit as it’s a very busy road that’s always either got queuing traffic or accidents. Tonight going to collect her for example took me almost an hour one way due to temporary traffic lights. The preschool is 4 miles away and connected to our sons school so I’m going there twice a day anyway.

Just because I’m at home, and she enjoys being home and I’m enjoying having time with her.

I agreed with this and this was exactly the idea behind it. But it’s been about 6 months now paying for a place she isn’t really using. I see the idea behind it and he pays for it so it’s his money if that’s what he likes but it just seems a bit daft now.

If you have the children most of the time and are as sure as you can be that you feel well now then the arrangements need to work for you as resident parent. Traipsing back and forth to a nursery and school runs when both could be combined sounds stressful.
As long as your daughter is prepared and happy I would say it makes sense to swap her to the preschool for the year before she starts school. September is when a lot of children would be changing provision anyway.
I suspect your breakdown was very connected to his toxicity so you need to work out how to communicate with him going forward, and be clear the relationship is over but you want to co parent well for the benefit of the children. You may need legal advice and support on this, mediation could be possible depending on how willing he is to engage and whether he is actually abusive or just misguided.