To ask if H is taking his medication?

[SunnyspellsandScatteredshowers]

After an illness earlier this year, needing a trip to hospital, my H was prescribed a couple of different medications. The dosage had to be tweaked a couple of times, with Dr's appointments to discuss. I went with him to be another pair of ears in case he forgot what was said. He was, or seemed, perfectly fine with me going too.
Recently I've noticed a bit of a change in him, and I've really started wondering if he's still taking the meds. He's back at work now, so that could account for the change, but still I'm wondering.
I asked him, but he will not give a definite answer, saying I'm unreasonable to even ask, I'm not his mother, I should trust him, he's an adult etc etc..
So, am I unreasonable? Or is it OK for a wife to ask? Would you?

Of course it’s ok to ask if you’ve noticed a change, particularly given the initial dosage issues.

He is being unreasonable giving those nebulous answers - just ask for a yes or no answer and not to be so silly. People only ever answer like that, in my experience, if they know you won’t like the answer but don’t want to lie to your face

I have asked for yes or no, even said it's up to him /his body but it has degenerated into a row...

Based on his answers to you and not just saying yes or no and him starting a fight over it, I'd say he's not taking them. My ex used to do this when he was unemployed and I asked if he'd applied for jobs.

That's what I'm thinking too. Deflect. Although apparently it's me causing the row by asking, and not giving him respect! I did counter with "what respect are you showing me?!"

He's too defensive to be taking them.

I’m going to guess they’re something along the lines of anti-depressants or mood altering type meds (I know I could be well off the mark).

On the surface I would see no harm in having open, honest dialogue regarding his medication. Especially if you’re concerned he could be experiencing increased side effects from dose tweaking. However, given his reaction, would you berate him if he disclosed he wasn’t taking his meds?

Correct, one of them is. Plus another for a different condition. I suspect he's not taking them at all, not side effects. But could be I suppose. I wouldn't be too happy if he'd stopped but I also know they don't suit everyone. It's been a really difficult time, I've tried to support him but maybe he just feels like I'm nagging (that old chestnut)

It’s so very difficult supporting someone unwell with their mental health, I’ve been there and done that.

In my case, once my DH began to feel better he couldn’t really see how unwell he really had been, or at least that’s how it felt to me. As much as it is about them and how they feel, the impact it has on the family and your relationship can be immense. But in voicing that you run the risk of being seen as “unsupportive”

“I wouldn't be too happy if he'd stopped but I also know they don't suit everyone.”
Not all meds suit everyone but if you’ve been so unwell you required hospitalisation you really should make an effort to find what you can tolerate. If he’s not getting on with meds he needs to get in touch with his doctor.
Coming off them entirely in secret and being hostile to a close family member who expresses an interest may indicate a lack of insight.
What might the impact look like if he’s off his meds?

He wasn't admitted to hospital, just checked over. The gp was far more helpful. I suspect the impact of not taking the meds will be a return to being unwell. I can understand not wanting to be nagged, but I don't understand refusing to discuss it with the person who has supported you the most.. This is why I'm wondering if I shouldn't have asked, just trusted him. 🤷

I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell him you've noticed a change in his mood and that he should visit the GP for another medication review/tweak.

You can't force him, but I would consider sharing the observation in his change in mood to be a reasonable thing to bring up with a spouse.

My husband brought up whether I was perimenopausal, which I was. I didn't realise my inner fury was not so inner 🙈

My ex was bipolar. I knew when he was off his meds as he turned into an angry volatile prick.

I told him if he wouldn’t take then we were done.

If i need glasses i wear them.
If I need a walking stick I use it.
If he needs meds he should take them.
like I do when I need medical help.
it’s no shame.
If he doesnT like how he feels on them tough titties as Im not putting up with his angry crap.

We split up for another reason but no way I’d entertain negative behaviour affecting me badly because someone thinks it’s ok to be horrible to me.

Id just say “I know youre off your meds as youve turned into an arse again. If you don’t get back on them again Im out and you can be an arse alone. Your choice of course. Im just telling you what my choice will be so you know”.

Thanks, that's a very good summing up "being an arse"! The problem is he has an excellent way of deflecting everything onto me - I'm the unreasonable one for asking, for doubting. Not him, of course, for letting things get so bad, or not telling the truth. He actually said why can't I just respect him, to which I responded like you do me?! Works both ways. He did not like that! But I'm so fed up with it all

I guess if he isn't you need to try and get him comfortable enough to say why.
Some medicine does give very severe side affects, especially MH ones. It can make the person feel like they are no longer themselves.

Try and approach it as in if they aren't feeling good to him or are causing something else, you want to help and maybe try and find an alternative?

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

If he wants your support you need his honesty so you know what your been expected to deal with.

Sometimes a lack of honesty may lead to a lack of support. I work in acute mental health. There is no pill that's more effective than helping yourself to recover. If he's not on his own team then you can't support him, supporters support those that try. Whether it's football, education, or health.

Mine did that too. Well educated and intelligent. Could quote all the phrases that psychiatrists use and twist my words. Told me I was bringing up the past when I tried to evidence the accusations i was making at him to prove they happened and I was telling the truth. Really infuriating.

I took the line of let him rattle on and dont say a single word. When he shuts up dont address anything he’s said. Ignore it all and say calmly “are you finished? Ok. So just to recap, I am not going to sit around while youre off your meds being nasty to me. You are not the man I fell in love with when you are off your meds. Im past the stage of discussion on this topic. If you don’t go back on your meds Im off”.

And mean it. You shouldn’t have to live like that.

I feel like we're living in parallel universe sometimes. I say something, he denies it, so I try to get an answer by asking again. Which I realise doesn't help the situation. He would most likely say nothing and ignore everything. He hasn't been on these meds for that long, but I definitely noticed a change in him, which is why I asked. But then he comes out with "oh I'm not saying anything, you'll just moan at me again /it'll be wrong". When actually I'd just like honesty and simplicity.
He's just said yes he is taking them, but they're not helping. He flatly denies there's been a change, it's me moaning at him that's the issue..

If it were me I’d secretly look for the packet and count the pills and check again tomorrow to see if more missing as I’d suspect him of telling lies.

Have you seen threads on here about gaslighting and other ways that men make us feel it’s us not them and they get away with lazy or bad behaviour as they manipulate us. Could that be him. Doesnt want to do something so kicks up a stooshi about you being wrong and blah blah so he gets out of doing whatever it is?

maybe couples counselling would help. Word the request carefully as though it’s to help you be less of a nag and he’s more likely to accept. Worded any other way and he’d think nope Im not going to another woman to be told it’s my turn in the dishes so I’m not going…. Which I suspect he may say anyway.

Maybe the relationship is just done and it’s time to consider your options?