To feel frustrated

livingoverseasproblems · 2025-07-21T16:52:30+00:00

So I live in a different country to my family, I'm in the UK and they're in Perth. I have a reasonably good relationship with my grandparents, I speak to them 1-2 times a week and speak to my mum once a week normally with some messages in between calls. 4 months ago my grandma was told she had cancer, at the time there was very little information given. I've now found out today that she's being moved to palliative care in a hospice. I only found this out because my cousin as posted pictures to Instagram of them having a "final party" at my cousin's house. When I called my mum to ask what was going on she said that the family were told 3 WEEKS ago that she didn't have long left and to make some final memories. Ive spoken to both my grandparents, my mum my sister and my auntie during that time and no one said anything. When I asked my mum why I wasn't told she told me it was because they didn't want to stress me out as it's not like I could come over anyway. AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? How do I even start to let this go? (There is some backstory in that my mum and I don't have the best relationship but I also didn't think it was this bad)

Spindleweed · 21/07/2025 18:04

Well, would you/will you travel to see her? What would you have done differently if you’d known? For many years I was the one overseas, but now DH and I live close to both sets of parents (in their eighties), it’s tricky to know what to say and when to say it to siblings overseas.

DH’s dad is fragile, 84, had a serious heart attack recently and was in the ICU, and was adamant that we not call DH’s brother who lives a long flight away. After some discussion, his mum did call her son, but didn’t know what to say — the person on the other end of the phone is essentially saying ‘Is he dying? Do I need to book a flight now? Or can I go to work tomorrow and try to book some leave? Do I have time for that?’ and it’s an upsetting conversation for both because no one knows.

And in fact DH’s brother did travel, at huge expense and after having to arrange a load of work stuff that was time sensitive, but by the time he arrived their dad had recovered and was out of the ICU.

WaltzingWaters · 21/07/2025 18:08

They should have told you. That way you could have seen if you could make the opportunity to go and visit them. But even if you couldn’t visit, you deserve to know.

Hatty65 · 21/07/2025 18:13

Presumably your grandma could have told you though? If you've spoken to her several times, as could your grandad.

If you are an adult, then how long did you think your grandma might survive with cancer? She's presumably fairly elderly (I'm basing this on the fact that my 19 yo son has 3 grandparents - all late 80s). You've had 4 months to decide you might return home to see her, but not booked anything yet.

Why is it your Mum's responsibility to keep you updated?

Original poster

livingoverseasproblems · 21/07/2025 18:18

Spindleweed · 21/07/2025 18:04

Well, would you/will you travel to see her? What would you have done differently if you’d known? For many years I was the one overseas, but now DH and I live close to both sets of parents (in their eighties), it’s tricky to know what to say and when to say it to siblings overseas.

DH’s dad is fragile, 84, had a serious heart attack recently and was in the ICU, and was adamant that we not call DH’s brother who lives a long flight away. After some discussion, his mum did call her son, but didn’t know what to say — the person on the other end of the phone is essentially saying ‘Is he dying? Do I need to book a flight now? Or can I go to work tomorrow and try to book some leave? Do I have time for that?’ and it’s an upsetting conversation for both because no one knows.

And in fact DH’s brother did travel, at huge expense and after having to arrange a load of work stuff that was time sensitive, but by the time he arrived their dad had recovered and was out of the ICU.

I couldn't travel now, however if I had of known 3 weeks ago when they got told I would have been able to go for a week. Which my family know as I said I was thinking of coming over - I got told no to come at Christmas and see her one last time then.

I know that logistically I wouldn't be much help other then the time was there for (although I've arranged some home help for grandad while over here and send them meal deliveries every couple of months)

OP posts:

Original poster

livingoverseasproblems · 21/07/2025 18:21

Hatty65 · 21/07/2025 18:13

Presumably your grandma could have told you though? If you've spoken to her several times, as could your grandad.

If you are an adult, then how long did you think your grandma might survive with cancer? She's presumably fairly elderly (I'm basing this on the fact that my 19 yo son has 3 grandparents - all late 80s). You've had 4 months to decide you might return home to see her, but not booked anything yet.

Why is it your Mum's responsibility to keep you updated?

Grandad thought mum had told me. I'm not sure why grandma didn't tell me as I haven't spoken to her since I found out (I did call but she was asleep)

My mums the one that's given me all other updates about appointments/scans/tests... I've asked my mum several times for updates and she said they're just waiting to be told a testament plan but that it would happen soon

OP posts:

Original poster

livingoverseasproblems · 21/07/2025 18:22

Hatty65 · 21/07/2025 18:13

Presumably your grandma could have told you though? If you've spoken to her several times, as could your grandad.

If you are an adult, then how long did you think your grandma might survive with cancer? She's presumably fairly elderly (I'm basing this on the fact that my 19 yo son has 3 grandparents - all late 80s). You've had 4 months to decide you might return home to see her, but not booked anything yet.

Why is it your Mum's responsibility to keep you updated?

She's late 70s so no I didn't think she'd have forever left but the initial updates when she was diagnosed was that they caught it pretty early

OP posts:

MeringueOutang · 21/07/2025 18:27

livingoverseasproblems · 21/07/2025 18:18

I couldn't travel now, however if I had of known 3 weeks ago when they got told I would have been able to go for a week. Which my family know as I said I was thinking of coming over - I got told no to come at Christmas and see her one last time then.

I know that logistically I wouldn't be much help other then the time was there for (although I've arranged some home help for grandad while over here and send them meal deliveries every couple of months)

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Oh that's awful. YANBU at all. I'm so sorry. My aunt had form for this sort of thing, she didn't tell my DF that my grandma (his mum) was dying in hospital until an hour after she died - she'd been in hospital for 2 days! He lived closer but wasn't down as her next of kin due to his own health issues. He never got to say goodbye properly. I really feel for you, it's horrible when people keep things like this from you.