Issues with SIL

[Snm86]

My partner and I have a 4-year-old son who has just turned four. He is generally well-behaved, polite, and quite curious, though he also has plenty of energy, which is typical for a young child!
My sister-in-law (SIL) has a daughter who recently turned 2. Lately, both my partner and I have noticed that SIL often speaks to our son in a rather abrupt and rude tone, telling him he isn't allowed to take out toys or make a mess, even when he politely asks to do so. I've seen her respond quite harshly!
When we visit her and her daughter, I’m always mindful of our son making a mess or not putting things back after use, so it's not as if he’s wreaking havoc in her home. Nevertheless, she continues to address him rudely.
Most recently, SIL hosted a soft play party for her daughter and her friends at a local village hall. My partner arrived an hour early to help set up and brought our son along with his two older children (ages 13 and 7) who she'd suggested could help at the party. Although it was suggested the party was solely for her daughter and her friends, SIL still wanted to invite her daughter's cousins, which we accepted. However, I had a feeling she would snap at our son again if I wasn't around, so I made sure to arrive shortly after.
As I entered the village hall, SIL was unaware I was there, busy taking photos of the setup. Our son, along with his older sister and SIL's stepdaughter (both aged 13), gently tapped a large inflatable beach ball, causing it to roll across the floor into another area. SIL then looked at him and sharply told our son, “I’ve told you not to touch anything, (Name)!!!”
In response, I calmly said, “Please do not speak to him like that.” I then took our son and walked out of the hall, at which point she shouted, “The party hasn’t even started, (my name)!” SIL then followed us outside and repeated her words in the same rude manner. I told her that we had noticed how poorly she has been speaking to our son, and we are sick of it. We would never speak to her child that way or restrict her from getting toys out or making a mess in our home!
SIL then claimed that none of the equipment in the hall could be touched. I pointed out that she had rented an entire village hall full of soft play equipment for a 2-year-old's party, yet nothing was allowed to be touched?! She went on to say that we didn’t need our help and that we had all arrived early (she'd napped at my partner for arriving early as well). For context, she usually struggles to manage things alone, asked for my step-daughter to help (how did she think SD would arrive at the party!) and has often shown up early to our events, and even arriving hours late on occasions when we’ve put in a lot of effort to cook and prepare food for the family. I concluded the conversation by expressing that I was fed up with the way she and her family treat our son. (which is a separate issue).
My partner then confronted her, revealing that she had already snapped at our son earlier in a nasty tone because their dad had allowed him to play with a car. He also mentioned that we were aware of her marital issues, where she frequently accuses her husband, who has Parkinson’s and is a gentle, and slow man due to his condition, of being violent on 2 separate occasions recently, calling her parents with these false accusations, making them think badly of the husband. After this incident, my partner spoke with her husband, who confirmed that he is also tired of her snapping at him.
SIL has managed to isolate her husband from his 15-year-old son for the last 2-3 years. His son has refused to see SIL or his dad since he was 13 due to her harsh treatment and has only met his baby sister once because of it. Additionally, she has also caused a rift between her husband and his parents and siblings, so they are now in no contact. Now, she is attempting to create a significant divide between me, my partner, and their parents.
At this point, I have chosen a path of self-preservation by removing my sister-in-law from all social media platforms and blocking her. I simply cannot handle the drama or passive-aggressive remarks she may post online. Our son has expressed that his aunt doesn’t love or like him, and that he feels she doesn’t speak to him kindly, even when he was just three years old.
SIL has shown no remorse and has yet to apologise to either us or her nephew. I am incredibly upset with her and have no desire to reconcile anytime soon.
Are we in the wrong?

Nope… she sounds like a b witch. Protect your kid first and foremost.
Was she always like this? Is it maybe a reaction to her DH’s illness? Sometimes when someone’s life plan has changed due to life-changing illness, they cope by trying to control the universe.
You say her DH is gentle, but his son has been low contact… Are you sure it’s just because of her? My reason for asking is because while it doesn’t necessarily sound like this. Parkinson’s can cause aggressive and violent reactive behaviours- especially in the later stages. It can also be indicative of Parkinson’s Dementia.
Maybe SIL has tried to get help. Maybe she’s not coping. Maybe they’re both vulnerable. I think maybe DH should have a private chat to SIL before shots are fired and see if practical help can be set in place.

She shouldn't be snapping at your DS and you're not in the wrong to challenge this behaviour. The longer you allow it to go on, the more entrenched it becomes and so nipping it in the bud early on is best.

As for a future relationship, let her simmer for now. There's no sense rehashing it while tempers are still high so give it a few days and then, if you do actually want a relationship with her, get DH to go see her and see what potential there is for reconciliation (obviously with the explicit expectation that she takes on board what you've said about her treatment of your DS and changes that attitude).

If you're not that fussed about a future relationship then leave the ball in her court, don't initiate contact and see if she comes to you with an apology or a desire to discuss the issues. She either will or she won't, no skin off your nose.

There is one area where YABU though and that's about disbelieving her claims about her DH being violent towards her, regardless of your belief about him being a gentle man. As a PP said, he could be lashing out due to complications of his condition, he could also be an abuser and abusers often hide behind positive public perceptions of them being 'so nice'. Either way, it sounds like she probably needs some support.

Has she always been like this?

I think you have done the right thing. I wonder whether she's under a lot of stress and thinks you have an easy time of it?

@Francestein@MounjaroMounjaro@MugsyBalonz

Thank you for the responses, everyone. I can confirm that SIL has faced mental struggles, but we all have our challenges; however, you are still accountable for your actions and behavior. She depends heavily on her parents for everything, yet they do not provide us with the same support. This is why I mentioned it as a separate issue, and my partner and I feel that she is attempting to create a rift between her parents and us to ensure she has their full support at all times.

My partner and I both work FT, we have 3 children between us, stressful jobs, amongst other struggles that I won’t go into, but we do not burden any of them with any of our struggles, simply because we’re made to feel like we’re not able to.

SIL has been with DH for a long time and has been informed about his declining condition before marrying him and having a child with him. Still, she chose to proceed, which I understand; you can't control who you fall in love with, but it is no one else's fault that she made that choice.

Regarding her DH and his condition, the reason his son is now in no contact is due to how SIL spoke to and treated him. She was going through his phone and reading his messages, but DH did not defend his son, leading the son to decide to stay away—this information comes from the son's mother.

The first accusation occurred on Mother’s Day. DH had fallen a few days earlier, resulting in a broken arm that required surgery and a cast. It seems SIL may have brushed against his injured arm or grabbed it in anger, causing DH to react in pain (a natural response), which led her to accuse him of being ‘violent.’

The second incident happened on Father’s Day. She was preparing beans on toast for her daughter, who had refused her original meal (which is typical behavior for children), and she was clearly frustrated. After microwaving the beans in a Pyrex dish, she placed it in the sink and asked DH to make the toast in a snappy manner. In response, he tossed the butter knife into the sink, which struck the dish, causing it to shatter into many pieces. SIL's immediate reaction was to call her parents, accusing him once again of being violent in front of their daughter. I think it’s clear that this was not the case, yet she continues to avoid taking responsibility for how she has spoken to and treated him, while accusing him of violence, which we believe is unfounded

If you believe he is unsafe then you should report this to social services or whatever department looks after vulnerable adults. His care needs are only going to increase.