Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Immature Son

20 replies

Zanoni · 21/07/2025 16:28

AIBU In being really concerned and a bit pissed off at my adult son’s attitude.
He is 23 and in lots of ways is actually sensible and mature. Good job, lots of friends, saving towards a deposit, hasn’t given me lots to worry about but….
Around 3 years ago he started getting really in to keeping fit and Is abit of a natural, especially when it comes to running. He can do a 5K run in 17min and runs a full 26 mile marathon once a fortnight, again in a pretty impressive time. I am worried this has made him a bit cocky.
We live on the coast and last week he decided he wanted to train for a mega marathon (this involves running and swimming) and told me that apart from jumping in and out of swimming pools on holiday he hasn’t swam really since he was a teenager at school. For this reason he said he was going to hire an instructor to teach him sea swimming.
Yesterday he went for his usual run but come home soaking wet, you guessed it.. He decided sod the training and just jumped in, he did around 200 meters and he told me he at no point could he stand, so deep water. I am so annoyed at this, I can’t swim myself but surely swimming in the sea is nothing like swimming in a pool, does it need to be at certain times depending on the tide?
The problem is also he reverts into Kevin the teenager when you try and advise him on anything.. literally “For god sake mum your so boring” ect.
He is really stubborn and I’m worried he could get himself in real danger. Any advice on how to get him to listen and any experienced sea swimmers that would like to share any safety advice please.

OP posts:

JacquesHarlow · 21/07/2025 16:29

He's 23.

Original poster

Zanoni · 21/07/2025 16:31

I know, I’d still prefer him not to drown in the sea!

OP posts:

Spindleweed · 21/07/2025 16:33

I think it’s more than time for him to move out, OP.

Cinaferna · 21/07/2025 16:38

He does know that in triathlons you swim first because it is the most dangerous of the three disciplines if you get into difficulty. At very least, he should swim first then run. And, as you say, recognise sea swimming is not the same as pool swimming. He needs to check for rip tides, currents etc.

If this were my son I would say very calmly: it is not in the least bit 'boring' to want you alive and to challenge you when you act in ways that put your life at unnecessary risk. I'm not saying don't do it. I'm saying do it well. Respect yourself and the ocean and don't act like a cocky teenager when it comes to wild swimming, especially since you need to build strength and technique in this new discipline.

Original poster

Zanoni · 21/07/2025 16:45

Cinaferna · 21/07/2025 16:38

Thank you, I definitely think that being such a natural at the running has given him an arrogance that he can do anything. But he needs to understand that if he gets in trouble in the sea that could be fatal.

OP posts:

Womblingmerrily · 21/07/2025 16:46

He's 23. You really need to leave him to it.

Yes, he's taking risks - and that is his responsibility.

I do sympathise. I find it torturous watching my young adults doing foolish things and ignoring all my sage advice.

However in my time I did far more foolish things and learnt many many lessons from them. In short, I grew up - he will too. They all will.

mumonthehill · 21/07/2025 16:48

He is 23 so really you need to let him get on with it but yes sea swimming is very different. Ds does a sea based sport and mostly goes with others or to a place where others are in the water. Ds also texts when going in and when coming out if he is alone. He is a very strong swimmer and a paddle board instructor.

beAsensible1 · 21/07/2025 16:50

Unfortunately if he doesn’t understand swimming in open water is dangerous at 23 what more can you do?

you can’t force him to watch safety videos, hopefully and instruct for will knock some sane into how dangerous that is. Especially after a run

Cinaferna · 21/07/2025 16:56

Womblingmerrily · 21/07/2025 16:46

He's 23. You really need to leave him to it.

Yes, he's taking risks - and that is his responsibility.

I do sympathise. I find it torturous watching my young adults doing foolish things and ignoring all my sage advice.

However in my time I did far more foolish things and learnt many many lessons from them. In short, I grew up - he will too. They all will.

I'd agree with this over many things, but not risk to life. I'd happily step in and talk to anyone of any age if I thought they were risking their life - drink driving, walking up mountains in lousy weather with unsuitable kit or prep etc.

It's one thing to step back and let our DC learn to be adults through their own mistakes. But it's quite another to be passive when they are being really stupid about safety. Their brains don't become fully adult until late twenties and a classic sign of this is the tendency to put their own lives at risk.

Original poster

Zanoni · 21/07/2025 16:59

Womblingmerrily · 21/07/2025 16:46

He's 23. You really need to leave him to it.

Yes, he's taking risks - and that is his responsibility.

I do sympathise. I find it torturous watching my young adults doing foolish things and ignoring all my sage advice.

However in my time I did far more foolish things and learnt many many lessons from them. In short, I grew up - he will too. They all will.

I get it, he is an adult adult and he is treated like one. I’m really not interfering but this to me is just so insanely stupid. I hear the life boat/coast guard helicopter all the time, we live literally opposite the beach.
Are your sons older than mine, will they take advice from you still or just shut you down because they arrogantly know better?
I learnt as a parent when to back off on advice unless it’s asked for but I just don’t want a knock on the door saying something terrible has happened.

OP posts:

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 21/07/2025 17:05

I don't care if he is 13, 23, 33, or 73. If he is swimming alone in the sea and he is not a strong swimmer I will happily call him an idiot.

Octavia64 · 21/07/2025 17:10

um.

i swim in the sea.

out of your depth doesn’t necessarily mean dangerous.

i swim at lifeguarded beaches and I go out to about six feet of water depth and then swim parallel to the beach.

it’s not automatically dangerous to swim in the sea.

what were the circumstances he did it in?

if you say lifeguarded beaches with marked swimming zone then this is really not very dangerous.

obviously if you say he jumped in at a known dangerous spot with rip tides etc that’s a bit different….

Womblingmerrily · 21/07/2025 17:11

I have one the same age and some younger.

I certainly give advice as mentioned above.

I'm usually humoured as an aged out of date overly fussing mother because they love me.

They then do precisely what their mates and tik tok tells them to do.

I absolutely fear that knock on the door but I also know that you can do quite a lot of stupid things when you're young and mostly get away with it.

Original poster

Zanoni · 21/07/2025 17:33

Octavia64 · 21/07/2025 17:10

um.

i swim in the sea.

out of your depth doesn’t necessarily mean dangerous.

i swim at lifeguarded beaches and I go out to about six feet of water depth and then swim parallel to the beach.

it’s not automatically dangerous to swim in the sea.

what were the circumstances he did it in?

if you say lifeguarded beaches with marked swimming zone then this is really not very dangerous.

obviously if you say he jumped in at a known dangerous spot with rip tides etc that’s a bit different….

Not a lifeguarded part/swimming zone. He said the water was calm and he was around 7ft deep and swimming parallel to the beach. Would you consider that dangerous? How do you know you aren’t drifting out, should it be when the tide is going in or out?
He hates doing sports as part of a group but I was just looking and there are planned swims near to me that are solo but they keep an eye out for each other and a lifeguard is close by. I’m going to try and get my husband to talk to him about starting of like this hopefully.

OP posts:

BotterMon · 21/07/2025 17:37

That sounds ok OP as near to the shore and not deep BUT there are still rip tides in calm water and if he isn't a seasoned open water swimmer he won't know where they are nor how to spot them. So in short he's being a selfish arsehole as if he gets into trouble others will risk their lives to save him.

RainSoakedNights · 21/07/2025 17:39

Spindleweed · 21/07/2025 16:33

I think it’s more than time for him to move out, OP.

This is such a pointless comment. Most people are not earning enough at 23 to rent/pay a mortgage alone, staying at home as long as possible is the best solution.

limescale · 21/07/2025 20:00

OP, it took my 25 year old son to break his arm in a bad road bike accident for him to start wearing a helmet.
He's an intelligent young man.
He knew the risks, but young people think they're invincible.
I don't think there is much else you can apart from express your concern.

Octavia64 · 21/07/2025 20:10

So if he is was in about 7ft of water and swimming parallel to the beach and only did 200 metres it doesn’t sound particularly dangerous.

many beaches have signs up if there are rip currents or risks of being cut off - the rnli have a page.
https://rnli.org/safety/beach-safety/flags-and-signs

a lot of people prefer to swim with a swim buddy or in a group - if he searches on Facebook for outdoor swimming and the name of the beach he’ll probably find a group that have regular swims.

tides - depends on the beach. I swim at longsands beach in Newcastke where the tides don’t really make much difference. There’s other beaches (eg Hunstanton or wells-next-the-sea in Norfolk) where you can only really swim when the tide is in because when it’s out it’s miles out.

a local group would know about this.

In general you can look up lifeguarded beaches on the good beach guide and then you can check with the lifeguards who usually have good local knowledge.

Original poster

Zanoni · 21/07/2025 20:38

Thanks everyone, I’ve found out through facebook that there is a group in my area for solo sea swimmers but at set times so they all keep abit of a look out, my husbands going to casually bring it up.
Im honestly not generally over the top with worrying, he’s always off climbing mountains ect, I think it’s a good thing.
It probably doesn’t help that I can’t swim, I’m terrified of the sea and deep water.

OP posts:

Cinaferna · 21/07/2025 23:25

Octavia64 · 21/07/2025 17:10

um.

i swim in the sea.

out of your depth doesn’t necessarily mean dangerous.

i swim at lifeguarded beaches and I go out to about six feet of water depth and then swim parallel to the beach.

it’s not automatically dangerous to swim in the sea.

what were the circumstances he did it in?

if you say lifeguarded beaches with marked swimming zone then this is really not very dangerous.

obviously if you say he jumped in at a known dangerous spot with rip tides etc that’s a bit different….

The things is, even then, it can be an unknown quantity. I remember taking DC into the sea when they were in junior school and really hammering home that they had to swim between the lifeguard's flags. DS1 pretty quickly appeared to ignore the advice so I swam over to him and realised there was a strong rip tide in the area that was supposed to be safe and it had pulled him out of his depth and out beyond the flags. I had to help him back and I was exhausted by the time we got out of the rip tide.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread