To think most people wouldn’t “stay and work through it” if they weren’t financially trapped?

[YourJadeLion]

We praise resilience in relationships that are clearly dysfunctional. Remove the money and see how fast people leave.

Fully agree.

However, I do think that having to compromise is good for people. If we all lived alone in our own separate homes, doing whatever we wanted and not having to work to maintain social bonds, I don’t think we’d be happier as a society.

I agree. I think that’s why celebrity couples don’t last long. They’ve got options.

I think fear holds people back too - fear of bringing up kids on their own, of being lonely, of being single forever, of being judged. Whatever the money situation, it's got to be pretty bad before you pluck up the courage to leave.
But yes, there are plenty of women in miserable situations who don't have the financial freedom to go it alone.

If you are at the stage of "working through it" you really shouldn't be staying together, it's done. You are right, it's financial, but it's sad people have to suck up miserable lives when they clearly would be better separated.

Separating early would make break-up less bitter and more amicable, and if you have kids, it's healthier for them anywya.

Tbh I don't think we do often praise resilience in relationships that are clearly dysfunctional. Hence the huge number of LTBs on MN. I rarely see a genuine LTB comment that I disagree with. Yes, of course women stay for financial reasons when they would otherwise leave, but I very rarely see them being praised for it.

I think people are also influenced by (often misguided) ideas that their children will benefit from their parents staying together and (often reasonable) concerns about the other parent having time in sole charge.

Hard agree. If someone handed me enough money right now to get a place for me and DD I’d be browsing Rightmove within seconds.

Absolutely, I'm in the process of leavingy partner. No fear of living alone, no sense of failure but just a need for financial stability. I'm working every day I can, ever unsocial hour to get me and my boys out of there. I dream of winning the lottery daily!!

@Chocolatecoveredshitpig I look on Rightmove daily and then have to delete my search!

There's also outdated feelings of failure and shame if a relationship doesn't work out. See also opinions of family sticking together through the worst times and that children "need" their parents together as a whole family. Children need happy parents more than that. My parents divorced in their 50s/60s, my DM spent the last 20yrs of that relationship unhappy, yes there was financial abuse that I only learned recently but there was also shame/ fear about divorce and felt that us kids needed our parents together. I feel terrible that she stayed for us and sacrificed years of potential happiness.

Depends what it is really. Abuse - definitely not. Having mild disagreements about parenting - surely worth working on?

I respectfully disagree @EveryDayisFriday- I didn’t feel ashamed, in fact I kind of felt like a warrior woman for leaving my emotionally abusive partner, after many years of misery (and meanwhile buying all the lottery and omaze draw tickets hoping for an easy way out!!).

100% agree that money is the reason IMHO that many people stay in some very bad situations, I know it was for me. I’m only a few months into separation and it’s financially ruinous but I was lucky enough to be able to build up enough savings to afford a short term rental and hoping to be able to find a more permanent solution for me and 2 DC once the family home is sold.

I don't think everyone feels shame @herethereandeverywhatnow and nobody should feel shame, it's a ridiculous outdated concept.

My point was that there are additional reasons why unhappy people stay together, it's not always financial. There are those threads with the woman and her cock lodger and she struggles to boot his useless arse out even though she is perfectly financial capable to move on.

True @EveryDayisFriday, I get that there can be other factors too… I just think from talking to people I know that money is so often the overriding reason.
and glad we agree on the no shame thing, I feel desperately sorry for anybody where shame does hold them back/make them stay, I can imagine it probably is still a thing in some cultures or even just some families.

I wish my parents had separated. “Staying together for the children” is often misguided.

I know a few cases of parents of my friends who split up as soon as the youngest child had gone off to university, which inadvertently made the kids feel guilty knowing how unhappy their mum and/or dad must’ve been.

I think the “shame” comment was fair. People shouldn’t feel ashamed but the fact is, they do. Despite society being less disapproving than it was decades ago. It’s up to close family and friends to support them in their decision, not to try to talk them out of it.

But yes, money is important and YANBU OP. I would urge young couples to build up their own, individual savings. Easier said than done these days, though.

that's not "working through ' things is it, it's just normal adults making compromise and having discussions. You can have a happy and healthy marriage and have different points of view and disagreement from time to time.

https://www.womanandhome.com/health-wellbeing/sex-relationships/repaired-relationship-after-affair/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=dhfacebook&utm_content=app.dashsocial.com/woman-home/library/media/557222473

It’s called life. And doing things you don’t always like.

Dramatizing it and making it sound like it’s some kind of bonded labour is silly.

And frankly snowflakery.

I agree OP. Where I live, I’d say it’s not so much people are ‘financially trapped’ - they could survive single - but are locked into an expensive lifestyle.

But as the child gets older and has some life experience themselves, perhaps they will see that the sacrifice their parents made was for them. It was something that both parents did because they felt it was right to bring their child/children up in a household with 2 incomes, two lots of support and provided a stable start in life for them. I think it’s quite admirable to be honest and should be applauded.

100% agree with you. It’s too hard to go from being a couple to being separate.

When you have children, it ceases to be all about you and your happiness. As parents, you both have a duty to try to do the very best you can for your children, sometimes that means splitting up but often it does mean staying and working on it as a family. If you commit to something, you can’t just give up easily and there’s no commitment bigger than deciding to create a child who depends on you.

I don’t think staying in a loveless marriage “for the children” is something to applaud. Kids might not clock every detail when they’re little, but they feel the coldness. Then as adults, or when the parents finally divorce once they’ve left home, they realise the marriage was dead for years. That leaves them questioning their whole childhood and feeling like it was built on a lie. That is not a virtuous sacrifice, it is an unfair emotional burden.

Stability is not just about two adults under one roof. Kids need to feel secure and see what healthy relationships look like, or they'll likely not know how to create fulfilling relationships as adults. None of us would want years of relationship unhappiness for our own children!

Sometimes it is worth working on things, but sometimes the best thing parents can do is separate well and show their kids that endings do not have to mean chaos.