To feel like a second class citizen???

[Helloagain5]

I’m sick of being treated like I’m a nothing, a nobody! I’m sick of feeling like I don’t matter and my feelings don’t count. I’m sick of being surrounded by people who are obviously more successful than me, but like to remind me of the fact I’m beneath them.

I am fed up with being the person that others call to brag about how great their lives are, knowing I’m alone and struggling. Me being the place they get their ego boost from.

I am over people who use my ideas as their own, and then take the credit in front of my face.

I am hurt and sad, but also beginning to feel fuelled by this hurt. I want to show them all that I do count. That I am capable. That i can be successful. I work hard, but I just need some luck to come my way - A chance to show the world what I can do. But maybe it never will.

has anyone else been through this?

Who are these people?

Family and a couple of colleagues. I relocated a year ago and don’t have many friends (working on that).

You say you’re surrounded by people who hurt you, who are they and what do they say?

I feel invisible. I spent today with extended family. Basically, I don’t matter because I don’t have the same wealth that everyone else does. There’s the odd comment of pity and that’s about it. I receive phone calls, which consist of “I’ve just booked a holiday to x!” “This months bonus is my highest yet”, “I’ve just had a £20k pay rise”, “I’ve just bought a new house”, “won a competition”, “Bought a brand new £60k car” etc etc etc. Sometimes a call will consist of multiple of these, followed by “so, what have you been up to?” And total disinterest in my extremely bland (by comparison) answer.

Every call is the same.

In the last week, I have had a family member walk through doors and not even bother holding them for me, when I’m directly behind, and also a colleague walk straight past me and ignore me when I’ve said hello.

Historically, I’ve always been told I’m kind. This I do believe to be true, because it is feedback I have had in all aspects of my life and it’s something I always try to be. I even fake happiness for those who brag incessantly at me, knowing how challenging my own personal circumstances are. I just can’t keep going like this. I feel so useless and worthless.

Your description sounds like a montage of people taking it in turns to announce their wealth as they sweep past you which I very much doubt is accurate. I suggest you shake off this victim mentality and do something about finding your inner assertiveness. Stand up for yourself, find people you have stuff in common with and remove yourself from situations that make you feel shitty.

You need a break from your "extended family". They are not normal.
It's not normal and common to brag about money that way. They have some kind of chip on their shoulder.

Having a conversation with someone giving news, including going on holiday or buying a house - therefore moving - is more normal, but putting the cost of these things is not.

Just take a break from them.

Focus on building a network where you are, with work/ hobbies/ sports/ volunteering. If a colleague is rude, just ignore them

I want to show them all that I do count. That I am capable. That i can be successful. I work hard, but I just need some luck to come my way
success is a relative concept. Focus on what you want to do, what you want to achieve and stick with people you are comfortable with.

You don't need luck, you need a plan - a realistic one - and stick to it.

You’re a people pleaser. Lots of threads here on how to undo it.

In short:
Step 1, try to stop faking feelings
Step 2, try to stop being scared of people’s reactions
Step 3, realise you were programmed to be exactly this way by your parents and that this is gonna take some work

You should only surround yourself with people, who make you feel great.

This is a really excellent introduction to assertiveness, OP. I recommend reading it (a few times) and then finding an in-person assertiveness course if you can. Most large workplaces have them, ask HR.

From the article:-

The 'Bill of Assertive Rights' in When I Say No, I Feel Guilty reads as follows:

1. You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
2. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behaviour.
3. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems.
4. You have the right to change your mind.
5. You have the right to make mistakes - and be responsible for them.
6. You have the right to say, 'I don't know'.
7. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
8. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
9. You have the right to say, 'I don't understand'.
10. You have the right to say, 'I don't care'.

https://h2g2.com/edited_entry/A2998551

You're letting them make you feel inferior. Surround yourself with people you want to spend time with. Work on yourself confidence.

Bit odd that you are basically saying you feel like someone who is being systematically and actively discriminated against, just because family members are wealthier than you and use you as a bragging-board. Oh, and because a colleague didn't say hi back to you (perhaps they didn't hear you and it wasn't because they were actively ignoring you?)

I don't think you've actually lost any rights, freedoms, or civil liberties and I don't think you've been disenfranchised all because your relatives like to brag about the cool things they bought and the fun holidays they go on, etc.

I do think you're being extremely overly-dramatic and taking this way harder and more personally than it actually is.

Stop taking calls from your family members who just use you to brag, or cut the calls short/keep it to a "check-in" type call. Or assert yourself more in the calls and interactions and tell your family how much it hurts when they bulldoze you with their achievements.

Or accept that not all achievements are tied to wealth, property, and vacations/bonuses and do something to improve your life so you have something to "brag" about too. Volunteer. Learn a new skill. Then when a family member brags about their latest vapid wealth-related achievement, you can tell them that that's nice, but YOU helped out with underprivileged children or the homeless, or YOU now know how to perform CPR, or YOU are writing poetry and attended a recitation at your local coffee shop, etc.

Not all achievements are counted in money and possessions.

DO something about this. Don't just feel bad for yourself.

If you can’t avoid the boastful people, just say “Well, isn’t that lovely for you.” Say it every time and say it without any edge and don’t say anything else. It will start to confuse them and eventually they might realise that not everyone is as enthralled by their bank accounts as they are. Plus they can’t really complain that you’ve shown no interest or been jealous. They just won’t get the same self-satisfied buzz from rubbing your nose in it

Thanks for these suggestions.

I don’t really feel like it’s their fault that your aren’t as successful.

Are they actually ringing you up to brag about their money and success, or are they just chatting about their lives with you and you read it as bragging because you're jealous? Because honestly your OP reads like the blurb of a teen drama novel wherein the heroine will become Hannah Montana as soon as she gets her big lucky break or something to show all those meanies that she can be successful too! It's just... A bit bitter and resentful sounding.

Just distance yourself from them if your lifestyles are so malaligned that you have nothing in common. Stop faking emotions, stop being kind to people who don't deserve it, neither of those are the good qualities you seem to think they are. Focus on making changes in your own life so that you feel a bit more confident in yourself, and stop measuring yourself against others! Do what matters to you, sod anyone else.

It's their fault they're bragging though isn't it? (If they really are and are not just sharing their news and OP being sensitive about it).

What's your job OP?

I agree with this!
It would be really unusual for lots of family members to call you just to tell you how well off they are.
Is it not more likely they are telling you about bits of their lives that they are happy with but because you feel inferior you are assuming they are bragging?
When they ask you about your life what do you say? You describe your life as bland so are you actually trying to maintain a conversation or do you leave people waffling on trying to fill in the gaps when you should be sharing your story?

I am very sorry for lack of luck, OP. I hope it will come your way.

To what extent are people you care about bragging at you, and to what extent are they sharing good news? It makes a big difference. Being excited about a new car is great, mentioning its cost is defo not the thing unless you are under 25 and it is your first car. I suppose being excited enough about your raise to mention the amount is just about okay with family and close friends. Being excited about buying a house counts as sharing news, but only the parents of YP and maybe their same aged friends care how much it cost.

Some people are genuinely animated by fine material goods, rather than their price. I think this is okay and I can learn from them. But they in turn must be careful not to sound like braggarts. I can’t tell whether this is the case or whether people are just expecting you to be impressed by money. That’s just tacky.

I agree, you need to find some nicer people. Hobbies, clubs and above all volunteering with those who share your values would be a good start. Meantime, step back and perhaps recognise that you are being oversensitive to what is after all common (in both senses) bad behaviour. From the sound of it you aren’t the one making me cringe.

Take care

I don't think you need to wait for some luck to come your way, I think you need a radical change of perspective, and a long think about what you base your self worth upon.