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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to be judged as a female for having s ONS at 49!

25 replies

GreenWithEnvy76 · 20/07/2025 23:42

So I'm separated from my long term partner, nearly 25 years together and two later teens. Separated 2 years, initially on a trial basis but lived in the same house until relatively recently when the finances were finally sorted and he moved out but not very far away (practically neighbours). Complicated by the fact we still have some affectionate feelings for each other.

Unable to wait around forever I recently had a purely opportunistic and pretty meaningless ONS with a considerably younger guy, in his 30's, and I've just turned 49. Word got back to my ex OH, through my/our friend, parent of our teens' friends, with more detail than I probably should have shared. Apart from having a wry smile about it, ex OH doesn't seem overly bothered (I sort of wish he was), but here's the thing, my female friends (all married or in long term relationships), seem to think it's a big deal. Asking me if I thought I should have told ex OH, what would he think, what would the kids think etc.

I can't help but think she/they are jealous or have an agenda. Cards on the table, I'm perimenopausal, libido comes and goes (mostly goes), and when it does come around I want to make the most of it, and frankly it was damn good, satisfied a need at the time that made me feel 20 years younger!

AIBU to think I'm being judged as a woman, of a certain age, where a man of any age wouldn't be?

OP posts:
Brendahollowayreconsider · 20/07/2025 23:48

You shouldn't be judged..I would keep future liaisons to yourself.
Saves you being the topic of gossip.

Bufftailed · 20/07/2025 23:48

It’s sounds great OP. Enjoy it. You prob will be judged, who cares. Jealous I imagine

But I wouldn’t be keen on my DC knowing personally. Regardless of age. Think it would be mega cringe

RubyGemStone · 20/07/2025 23:51

They're probably just bored/intrigued, projecting all the worries they would have and thriving off the drama or potential for it. Ignore them. Enjoy yourself.

PreciousTatas · 20/07/2025 23:51

Yanbu to do what you like as a single adult, with another consenting adult

YABU for spreading the gritty details around enough for it to have somehow gotten back to your ex, because that means it's entirely likely your children now know. And that is grim as fuck.

PlainJaneBrain · 20/07/2025 23:53

Honestly, if you were a bloke you'd be the envy of your peers. Make the most of it, and unless your 'friends' are vindictive, there's no reason your DC's should ever know. As for your friend letting your ex know, what's her agenda? Is she into him?

suburberphobe · 20/07/2025 23:54

Nah, my kid wasn't around - of course not! - had a 1 nighter and I'm 70. It was fabulous.

Who put out this bullshit that sex is only for young/teenage/married...?

anon12345anon · 21/07/2025 00:01

I'd be ditching your "friend" asap, and telling her why too.

You've done nothing wrong- chances are your ex has had some ons/sex with other people since you split.

Unfortunately, some women become very funny around a newly single woman - when I got divorced a few years ago - my then "best mate" warned me off her husband Hmm hurtful and shit.

Flowers to you - ignore the judgemental twats! (but keep your private life private moving forward!)

PlainJaneBrain · 21/07/2025 00:07

anon12345anon · 21/07/2025 00:01

I'd be ditching your "friend" asap, and telling her why too.

You've done nothing wrong- chances are your ex has had some ons/sex with other people since you split.

Unfortunately, some women become very funny around a newly single woman - when I got divorced a few years ago - my then "best mate" warned me off her husband Hmm hurtful and shit.

Flowers to you - ignore the judgemental twats! (but keep your private life private moving forward!)

Similar experience when I split. Suddenly attached female friends of many years locking up their OH's and wanting to know everything I'm up to, sympathetising with my ex and checking in on him when they'd previously barely spoke to him. I think they're envious.

Nannerlmoz · 21/07/2025 00:14

You definitely shouldn’t be judged, but I agree I’d be a little more discrete in future given this reaction!

I don’t understand their logic about telling your ex partner. You’re separated - why would you tell him??!

Mistyglade · 21/07/2025 00:15

Your friends are envious. Don’t kiss shag and tell next time.

Enough4me · 21/07/2025 00:19

It's an experience that's not available to them and they take back some control by informing your ex like you've been bad!
How bored are they!

Franjipanl8r · 21/07/2025 00:24

This would be a non-event in my friendship group, your friends need to get out more!

ExitViaGiftShop · 21/07/2025 10:59

They sound jealous and / or judgemental. You haven’t done anything wrong, except perhaps naively placed trust in your so called friends. Internalised misogyny is still very much alive and well.
Don’t share anymore with them and unfortunately expect them to make comments or ‘jokes’ at your expense going forward. You are now considered a threat as, in their warped minds, you might try and steal their husbands.

CreationNat1on · 21/07/2025 11:05

Middle aged separated mothers are entitled to have sex too. There is nothing grim about it.

Virtually all humans are sexual beings, there is nothing shady about it.

Your gossip friends are bored and envious and small minded.

BlondieMuver · 21/07/2025 11:05

You shouldn't be judged but you sound like your playing games with the ex...

Your a middle aged lady not a teenager!

BlondieMuver · 21/07/2025 11:06

Nannerlmoz · 21/07/2025 00:14

You definitely shouldn’t be judged, but I agree I’d be a little more discrete in future given this reaction!

I don’t understand their logic about telling your ex partner. You’re separated - why would you tell him??!

This covers it!

aCatCalledFawkes · 21/07/2025 11:19

I think with ONS and even dating in the early days discretion is an absolute must.

I don't talk to my friends about any dates or details. I've been on a few dates with someone I am very close too atm. If we did sleep together then I have to much respect for him to talk about him behind his back.

You can only be judged if you give them the opportunity to find out what you have been doing, it's none of there business so why tell them?

Cheesystick · 21/07/2025 11:20

Wow your friends sound boring, bored, judgemental and bitchy. I'd ditch this bunch of shit stirring drama llamas and have more time for ONSs.

ThejoyofNC · 21/07/2025 11:21

I'd reconsider the label of friend...

Aspanielstolemysanity · 21/07/2025 11:24

Yanbu.
And your gossipy "friend" is a cow.

PollyBell · 21/07/2025 11:30

I don't see what there is to be jealous of? I presume if you were perfectly fine with other you wouldnt be game playing with the ex, sure sleep whlith whoever you want people comment about things all the time bit i bet you probably are thinking longer than they are

But I done the 'they must be jealous' is incredibly childish, I don't see why sleeping with someone is that big of a deal really who really cares

ANagsHead · 21/07/2025 11:30

Did this really happen, @GreenWithEnvy76 - because I cannot imagine a single person on Earth would care.

SallyD00lally · 21/07/2025 11:35

ANagsHead · 21/07/2025 11:30

Did this really happen, @GreenWithEnvy76 - because I cannot imagine a single person on Earth would care.

It sounds as though the OP is just excited and wanted to share it, so shoehorned it into an 'AIBU'.

I mean even the thread title makes no sense and if she's ever been on MN before, she'll know most people will say crack on.

OnceIn · 21/07/2025 11:37

Your friends are being utterly ridiculous. You’re an adult and perfectly capable of making your own decision, and no, you shouldn’t have told your ex. What a stupid thing to suggest.

Life is for living and as long as you’re safe and happy that’s all that matters. I say go for it

swiveleyedtransphobe · 21/07/2025 11:38

I think ONS are grim and I would never have one but each to their own, if you want to do it I would not tell anyone, so no, I would not be jealous at all

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