To stop contact between ex and child?

[Bee9328]

Hey all!

Me and my ex husband have been separated for nearly 2 years now and are divorced. My child is almost 4 and the the marriage broke down to him being extremely emotionally and mentally abusive.

Since we separated he has always been so inconsistent with seeing our child, even after I have tried everything to get him to set up days etc he just never sticks to them and my god have I tried!!

Recently this has been getting increasingly worse, he is ment to see his child every Sunday ( his choice) but he hardly sticks to this and recently has been leaving a month in between visits and making absolutely no contact when he has missed a day and ignores any of my messages asking about it also and completely blanks me.

On the last two times he has seen our child they have become incredibly overwhelmed to the point of hyperventilating and me having to go over early to collect them as they are not coping well at his house, I explained to him this is likely because our child is all over the place as he just pops in and out of thier life when he feels like it!

What do I do? Is it wrong that I do not wish to pursue or push any contact? I do not want to go to mediation as I honestly believe there is no point and I would just rather him just trail off and just leave us alone? I’ve been trying so hard 2 years, he clearly isn’t interested and dosent give a shit about his child.

what would you do? I don’t want to be the bad one when all I want is what is best for our child but he is seriously hurting them mentally by doing what he is doing!

I have a similar issue in that context from ex is sporadic. I decided about 3 months ago to just stop contacting him about contact / seeing his kids. Lo and behold he hasn’t contacted me since. If he decides to crawl out of whichever rock he is under I will refuse any overnights etc until he has built up a proven track record of consistent contact with them. If he doesn’t do that then I’ll tell him to take me to Court. (Highly doubt he will)

I have been doing that recently, I told him to let me know by a certain day/time and if he hadnt then thats it but he hasn’t taken any notice!

I don’t believe he would take me to court ethier and if he did I don’t know why as he clearly dosent care about seeing them!

Our child has never stayed at his house again thats his own choice, I have offered him and tries to be reasonable is every way I can but you can’t make someone be a parent! It’s just so frustrating when he decides a month on he wants to see them and I just wish he would just leave us alone!

Don’t message him to arrange contact. If your child is distressed stop contact and tell him to go through the proper channels to arrange contact.

I had this with mine when they were also 4, I stopped contact as my child was becoming more and more distressed and said they didn’t want to see them anymore. I said take me to court, guess what they didn’t bother. It has been years now and they have not even sent 1 message to see how my chid is even doing.

I also would not contact .

I was in a different situation but I took my Ds to soft play for 2 hours once a fortnight . My ex mil supervised as he wasn’t fit .

is that an option he can go play with child whilst you are there in the background . Eventually it stopped . He didn’t care about D’s .

One thing I learned - I couldn’t make Ex the dad my Ds deserved.

What would you have done if he had messaged you? As I believe he will message me but when that is could be anyone’s guess!

Maybe supervised until he could be more consistent, which he never will be!

If he stepped foot outside his front door with our child it would be a miracle, hes takes them no where! Not even to the park!

Does your child want contact with their dad?

If so, you can go down the route of a contact schedule which can be drawn up by a solicitor, but this requires his dedication and commitment also.

If you want to go down this route, you simply inform the solicitor of previously agreed upon hours and a request for him to agree to the contact will be initiated.

If he doesn't bother to respond, or if he agrees then still doesnt bother, then I would cut contact. At least you have proof that you tried in case it turns sour and he tries to go to court for contact and play the woe is me card.

You can also just cut contact immediately, if child is not keen on contact or seems overly distressed. If he does not bother initiating contact, then theres your answer.

It baffles me the amount of men that abandon their children. If women did this, we would be told we are neglecting our children and be arrested!

I’m so sorry OP, this is really shit for your child and so stressful for you!

im not going to give advice about allowing/not allowing contact , if he resurfaces. That’s your call 100%.
But I will say to keep a record of any messages or communication between you and EX, and have dates that he saw them/didn’t see them when planned, all written down and if possible keep screenshots of the messages around those times.

if he does take this to the family court you can evidence his lack of consistency and effort in sharing contact with your child. And evidence your willingness to allow him contact.

also, I hope you claim child maintenance. He should, at the very least, be financially contributing to his child’s care.

Just stop trying to arrange contact. Put the ball in his court to contact you.

You could message him to say something like "I understand you are busy at the moment, so rather than keep confusing DC, let me know when you can do the next contact".

Keep it short, reasonable and polite. Something you would be happy to produce at a later date to a solicitor/mediator.

Then leave it alone.

I have been keeping all dates/ messages etc recorded since last year and honestly it’s shocking looking back at it all on how many times hes never shown!

My child is almost 4 and when I ask if they want to see their dad they say yes but when I drop them to him they want me to stay and will stall me leaving, asking me to go in etc and it’s so hard to leave them there. They also don’t eat when they are at his house, this has happened twice now, he offers food but they won’t eat it and this never happens at home!

It’s all just so worrying and I just don’t want to hurt my child by them not seeing him or seeing him but being distressed while there!

Your job is to make your child available for contact. That’s it. So if the arrangement is that he collects at 10am then you need to be home at 10am with child ready to go. If he’s not there by 10.15 I would go out.

Drop the rope. Get him to organise contact. That’s all. Keep records so it is documented when he doesn’t show up or you have to collect early.

It's a very new notion that kids must see both parents when a divorce or separation happens, and has been pushed by MRAs. The reality is that children are absolutely FINE with one parent looking after them, stability and peace. Disinterested, lazy and abusive exes "rights" always seem to amount to their right to mess their kid and everyone else around at will.

Of course it's better for a child to not have an abusive, lazy, unloving arsehole in their life. I wouldn't tell your child they are going to see your ex at all, if he messages to say he's on his way, that's the time to tell your child.

Thank you!

I honestly believe he is doing more damage than any good and even when he does see them he does nothing with them so it’s not even a nice time, literally stuck in his house, not even able to play in his garden.

I stopped telling my child he was coming a long time ago it’s just that I don’t really know if I should let it him carry on showing up when he feels like it with how my child has reacted twice now while being with him.

Like I said I just wish he’d leave us alone but don’t think that will ever happen!