To book myself a trip away

CoralGraceRow · 2025-07-20T17:26:19+00:00

I was originally going to go with ‘to run away’ for the title. I am so busy with work and a massive and important deadline, but no matter how much I hammer it into my DP and DC they just won’t step up and/or give me the space to get this done. We have no spare rooms to lock myself away in and I’m still doing the lions share (well all!) of the housework and life admin. This isn’t a case of simply telling them (I’ve done that many many times before) or going on strike (I struggle to live in a pig sty or sit in it to work and find I can’t concentrate around mess) so neither approach will work for me. I feel so flat and like no one cares for me in the way I do for them. It’s all take take take and really I just want to pack a back and disappear for a bit. To run away. But acknowledging that as extreme would I be unreasonable to just book myself a cheap break somewhere, turn my phone off and concentrate on me and my deadline?

AbzMoz · 20/07/2025 18:34

My first response was going to be ‘this is a could go either way’ in terms of DH/DC/length of project, but then I checked myself and said of course you’re NBU.
Can you stay in the office or use a coworking space / library? Get a cleaner for a few weeks and/or use a rota?
I think you realise that this isn’t an issue specific to this project - though it is a chance to reassess and redefine what you want and need from DH/DC.

Original poster

CoralGraceRow · 20/07/2025 18:41

AbzMoz · 20/07/2025 18:34

My first response was going to be ‘this is a could go either way’ in terms of DH/DC/length of project, but then I checked myself and said of course you’re NBU.
Can you stay in the office or use a coworking space / library? Get a cleaner for a few weeks and/or use a rota?
I think you realise that this isn’t an issue specific to this project - though it is a chance to reassess and redefine what you want and need from DH/DC.

It 100% is not an issue specific to this project or right now. It’s so hard to try and make people pull their weight and it’s not for lack of trying (for a very long time might I add!). The whole telling people explicitly what you want or need them to do is exhausting and then when it doesn’t get done anyway it’s back to normal with me running myself into the ground. In an ideal world I’d have a little flat I could retreat to at the end of the day where I’m responsible for me and me alone. The added pressure of having ND (older) children and a DP that just doesn’t see/isn’t bothered by mess just means I spend a lot of my life doing for others which becomes exhausting and is a thankless task! I’ve never done it before but think I need a few days away alone to put myself first. It just feels hard to do it!

OP posts:

GrumpyInsomniac · 20/07/2025 18:42

If this is symptomatic of a larger imbalance between you and your DP, I would be inclined on this one occasion to give them a list of what needs doing and when and say that they need to make sure it happens so you can focus. Same with the kids: let them know that for now DP is the default parent while you get through this.

No, you shouldn’t need to provide a list, but the alternative is what’s currently happening and you don’t have time to hope they’ll magically realise what needs doing.

The alternative is to find somewhere you enjoy working that is not the house. Is there a nice library or a co-working space you can decamp to for the duration?

Ultimately, though, this is something you need to tackle properly once the deadline has passed and the project is done. They should all be contributing in a way that is age-appropriate.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/07/2025 18:45

Have you tried losing your temper? That might work.

Get to your deadline and then consider if this is a relationship you want to stay in.

AbzMoz · 20/07/2025 18:59

CoralGraceRow · 20/07/2025 18:41

It 100% is not an issue specific to this project or right now. It’s so hard to try and make people pull their weight and it’s not for lack of trying (for a very long time might I add!). The whole telling people explicitly what you want or need them to do is exhausting and then when it doesn’t get done anyway it’s back to normal with me running myself into the ground. In an ideal world I’d have a little flat I could retreat to at the end of the day where I’m responsible for me and me alone. The added pressure of having ND (older) children and a DP that just doesn’t see/isn’t bothered by mess just means I spend a lot of my life doing for others which becomes exhausting and is a thankless task! I’ve never done it before but think I need a few days away alone to put myself first. It just feels hard to do it!

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So … try it. Presumably DH has enough about him to ensure that kids are clothed and fed. He can also arrange a cleaner for the day you’re due home. At this point i would be very clear that this is necessary because you’ve tried a nicey-nice approach which has failed.

it sounds like in any case you need to carve out time and space for yourself to switch off - do you enjoy the library? Cinema? Swimming baths?

Spindleweed · 20/07/2025 19:02

I lose my shit when I have a looming deadline and anyone bothers me about anything. A few Uncle Quentin-style roars of ‘DO I LOOK LIKE THE CHAMBERMAID?’ and ‘ASK YOUR FATHER, I HAVE NO IDEA!’ and people generally fall in line.

Original poster

CoralGraceRow · 20/07/2025 21:03

Spindleweed · 20/07/2025 19:02

I lose my shit when I have a looming deadline and anyone bothers me about anything. A few Uncle Quentin-style roars of ‘DO I LOOK LIKE THE CHAMBERMAID?’ and ‘ASK YOUR FATHER, I HAVE NO IDEA!’ and people generally fall in line.

They just think I’ve gone mad when I lose my shit. Then get face on because I’ve been mean!

OP posts:

BCBird · 20/07/2025 21:16

I would book sn air bnb, although there might not be much available as it's summer. Tell them in advance how long u will get away and that serious change needs to happen