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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get wound up by my friend who has been TTC for ages?

23 replies

fustilarian · 27/05/2008 11:52

I'm really trying not to get wound up, but every time I see her I find myself inwardly popping. I know this is unreasonable really, I need to be much kinder!

She has been TTC for over a year, which is obviously really hard and stressful for her..

In that year she has read every book on child rearing going and has planned out every detail of her life with children, from their names and sexes to their schooling and personalities. She refers to herself as a mum, and always says things like 'only us mums know what it's like to...etc etc'

All of this would be fine, except she criticises all my parenting decisions, and tells me what to do all the time. A typical example would be berating me for using disposable nappies and other baby products and then telling me the brand she has got planned, or explaining ways in which I am hampering my DC's development and what I could do better...

I always think 'just you wait, and how would you know' but feel very guilty and obviously never say anything...

I'm being a total cow aren't I- it's all just her dealing with the stress of her own situation and nothing to do with me at all.......

OP posts:

mumblechum · 27/05/2008 11:54

"Only us mums"????

Sounds like ttc is sending her off balance...

ShowOfHands · 27/05/2008 11:56

YANBU to feel criticised and undermined.

You are not a total cow.

Yes, she is dealing with the stress of her own situation.

She sounds like she is struggling very much indeed, fixated on having a child and probably quite unhappy.

Poor her.

And poor you.

How old is she?

jammi · 27/05/2008 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

fustilarian · 27/05/2008 11:58

She's 32 so plenty of time ahead...

Do you think I should say anything then?

OP posts:

Bky · 27/05/2008 11:59

Your not being a total cow...it must be very difficult to be criticised for your parenting decisions from someone who has not been there themselves.

However she is obviously under a huge amount of stress.

LyraSilvertongue · 27/05/2008 12:00

YANBU. I wouldn't like to be criticised by someone who has zero experience of being a parent. She might think she knows it all from reading the books but didn't we all till we actually had real life children.
next time she criticises you, tell her as gently as you can that it's winding you up. She might be going through a hard time but that's no excuse for criticising your parenting.

hana · 27/05/2008 12:00

she'll look back at this tho when she is a mother and probably cringe

mumblechum · 27/05/2008 12:00

TBH whatever you say will probably upset her. If this was me I'd avoid her for a while.

elportodelgato · 27/05/2008 12:03

Oh god this DOES sound annoying. It's v frustrating TTC and there is a temptation to look towards the future and plan out how it will be when it happens but your friend clearly has too much time on her hands if she has her life with children planned out so meticulously! I also have a friend who is TTC and talks about her PFB as if he / she is already here - kind of annoying but she is just looking towards her future happiness and being optimistic which is quite endearing in a way.

Have you tried talking to her about how things are going with TTC? she is probably really anxious and stressed that she has been trying for a year and it's all coming out in this really weird way. She obviously needs some support and patience but for your own sanity I hope she conceives asap!

In the meantime, I really wouldn't stand for any comments on your parenting decisions - I wouldn't stand for that from other parents, let alone from someone without kids. Perhaps you could just explain your decisions to her and if that doesn't work then tell her it's none of her business!

Niecie · 27/05/2008 12:04

You are not being a total cow at all. She is making assumptions about things she can't yet understand.

She is having a horrible time and she must be suffering but it is unkind of her to criticise you in the process.

I think next time she says something I would reply in a jokey way - 'just you wait and see' and leave it at that. Hopefully she will get the point.

SheSellsSanctury · 27/05/2008 12:05

You are not being a cow. I have a SIL who has been TTC for 5 years, 4 failed IVF attempts and is now going though the process of trying to adopt. Like your friend she has everything mapped out and is very quick to criticise my parenting skills (or lack of them LOL!)

It does get to me too but I know she must be feeling awful inside and saying anything to her would be hurtful and pointless.

You have my total sympathies though.

Kewcumber · 27/05/2008 12:06

"I always think 'just you wait, and how would you know' but feel very guilty and obviously never say anything..."

provided you are only thinking this and not saying it then you are not being a cow at all and infact are quite a saint for suffering through it.

I did have fertility problems and therefore feel entitled to say her sadness is making her unhinged!

chunkychips · 27/05/2008 12:07

It's obviously getting to her, although I don't think a year is unusually long to be trying to conceive. Take it with a pinch of salt, hopefully she will get pregnant soon and she'll be eating her words! Everyone's an expert nowadays with so many programmes about bringing up babies. I have a friend like this, a complete stranger to tact and she's not even trying to conceive, just full of advice regurgitated from the telly. It is annoying so don't feel bad about it. You could speak to her about it, just make sure you're more tactful than she is.

3andnomore · 27/05/2008 12:08

You are not being a total cow at all....yes, she finds it all stressful and all that...but she seems a bit extreme...

It can also be very annoying when childless people try to tell you how you should do things....well, it can be annoying anyhow, but if the person is childless it seems even more annoying...but....once she has a child herself, she may well come to you to apologize, as she will see the errors of her ways

WonderingWhy · 27/05/2008 12:09

Oh dear, poor woman doesn't sound entirely Ok really

It;'s not normal and is a bit nuts. I think you need to build an inner filter and just switch off.

laurz75 · 27/05/2008 12:10

You are NOT being unreasonable but..........having been there (tried to conceive ds for 20 months) it does become a bit of an obsession and she sounds like she is very desperate and unhappy. Poor girl. I agree that she will be mortified when she does have a baby (fingers crossed) and maybe needs to talk about how things are going (fertility treatments etc.?). Don't avoid her, tell her that she makes you feel a bit criticised.

Kewcumber · 27/05/2008 12:11

I was absolutely going to use cloth nappies.

Kewcumber · 27/05/2008 12:12

in my dreams!

RhinestoneCowgirl · 27/05/2008 12:12

And that's why MN is so useful, because you can voice things here that you wouldn't dream of saying out loud.

It sounds like your friend is v stressed by the whole TTC thing, but that's not really an excuse to criticise your parenting. I have a friend a little like this (doesn't have children yet) who always likes everything to be planned to the letter. Maybe she's desparately trying to have some control over something she can't possibly control?

Twiglett · 27/05/2008 12:15

it is only before you have kids that you can do this to be honest

Has she written it all down? If she hasn't you should encourage her to as it will be a manual she will be able to refer to once she has her baby

well that's what you say .. it will actually be a manual you can read with much hilarity together when she has porridge in her hair

Kewcumber · 27/05/2008 12:18

I'm sooo glad I didn't voice all my (childless) opinions when I was TTC to my freinds with children. I would never be able to look them in the eye again.

Original poster

fustilarian · 27/05/2008 12:18

hmmm, good advice, I like the idea of the inner filter!

And cloth nappies were an expensive mistake for me too.

She is in a total state but doesn't really admit it, so we talk about it but in a very 'I'm in control' (her) kind of way.

I didn't ttc at all, and I worked out that she started pretty much exactly when I told her I was pg, so there is plenty going on there I suppose..

In truth, although it is annoying, when I think of how much I love my dd I couldn't really care less what people say to me, and I don't have a guilty conscience about the decisions I've made... so I suppose I should just filter it out...

Feeling less annoyed already by this thread

OP posts:

Original poster

fustilarian · 27/05/2008 12:21

that's a great idea twiglett, I certainly said or at least thought, I will have a child who sleeps all night because I have read three books on the subject! It would be funny to look back on a BC diary, and perhaps for her too, though maybe she shouldn't start until she is pg at least....

OP posts:

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