Is this gaslighting?

[Maddie05]

My parents have been married for 40 years and I suppose my mum has taken on a very traditional role i.e. Has done the cooking and cleaning most of my life. My dad went to work before they both retired and he felt that that was his only job.

Since they've been retired and my children have been going there for childminding throughout the week I've noticed a few things that make me uncomfortable and I can see that my mum is very unhappy.

My dad sits on his phone most of the day, he barely contributes to household tasks unless asked (these tasks are generally can you make a cup of tea for the guests, can you take the bins out, build a toy for one of the grandchildren etc), he criticises her cooking at the dinner table, he refuses to stay seated at the dinner table until everyone has finished their dinner and whenever she asks him to do something he says in a minute or ignores her.

But then when she asks again or snaps back he calls her a name, says he is nagging her and goes in a strop for so long that SHE now feels SHE is in the wrong because SHE is the one that asked him to do something.

Is this gaslighting? He didn't used to be like this but retirement has made him much worse. Any opinions are welcome.

Not gaslighting, just bog standard abuse.

It isn’t gaslighting, it’s just your Dad being an arsehole.
I’m assuming if he’s always worked, he’s now bored in retirement and sees the work your Mum does as beneath him (“women’s work”).
Your poor Mum!

do you understand what gaslighting is?

It's not gaslighting, that's about twisting events to the point you think you're going mad.

He is just abusive I'm afraid. Can she leave him? Can he go back to work? Can she get a job or volunteer to get her out of there?

Couples counselling would be worth a go if they wanted to stay together but seems unlikely he'd agree or change.

In your shoes I'd encourage her to have it out with him and help her to leave if he won't change. What a miserable existence.

Not defending your dad but it seems like his main purpose in life was providing via his job which has now been taken away.

Does he have any friends or hobbies. He appears to be taking his frustration out on your mam as a result of boredom or not having any purpose in life.

If he was always abusive the main difference now is more time on his hands than ever before as I presume he was gone Monday to Friday 9 to 5 or similar.

At the very least your mam needs to talk to a counsellor or similar and possibly get him involved.

Regarding your mam she would have been used to the house being her space on his working hours. This has now been reversed for both of them.

Gaslighting? Not even close. He’s not a nice man to her but this is a million miles from gaslighting.

I agree it's not gaslighting but if I were your mum I wouldn't want to stick around. Can you remind her she does have options? She has more options now than when he gets sick, put it that way.

No. Never do couples counselling with an abuser. Your mum could do counselling herself if she felt that would help.

It's not gaslighting. It's abuse.

You said: He didn't used to be like this but retirement has made him much worse.

To be worse since retirement indicates he was like this pre-retirement, but on a lower level. Perhaps your DM has got used to him being a 'lower level' abusive prick, and now he's not working, has no structure to his day, he's ramped the abuse up.

It's no life being a handmaid and a verbal punchbag. Your DM doesn't have to tolerate this behaviour from your DF. She has options, one being divorce.

What’s this new thing with using the word ‘gaslighting’ to describe everything?

Is it trendy or something?

No it's not gaslighting, it's just really horrible behaviour 😢 your poor mum must be feeling very down, can you get together alone with her and have a conversation about how she's feeling? Tread carefully as she may well get defensive and say everything's fine - if she's put up with this behaviour for 40 years, it's her normal. Rather than telling her he's an abusive arsehole and she should divorce him, try and get her talking about how his behaviour is affecting her and let her explore what she wants to do about it, if anything. Tell her you're always there to support her and she can come and stay with you if she wants a break. Hopefully once she gives voice to her feelings, she'll start to think about leaving.

He’s not working now, so she expects help. She accepted it before as he was the bread winner.

I would say he’s just being a grumpy old man and tell her to get out more, join some clubs and maybe not babysit so much.

Gaslighting example;

him “i will pay for lunch today when we go out, promise”

Go out as couple, bill arrives and he says “it’s your turn to pay”

her “but you promised you’d pay?!”

him “I never , you imagined it. You’re crazy you are”

etc, etc

It’s not gaslighting- that would be if one meal he says “I like this tuna bake” (or just doesn’t comment and eats it) and the next meal says “why have you cooked this, I told you I hated tuna bake last time you cooked it for me”.

It’s terrible behaviour though, can your mum get out? Or just make a life for herself out of the home so she’s there as little as possible? If she leaves it too long he’ll get ill and she’ll end up his carer too (because of course he’ll refuse outside help and think it’s her job). It’s no way to live.