What do I do?

[Realjournal123]

Sorry this is on AIBU but could t find appropriate topic.
Ok. Found my partner over the years taking secret apartments, viagara in his pockets, screenshot of him ordering erection prolonging g tablets abroad, heard him on phone telling terrible lies about me, our main home is being repossessed and he's taken his clothes to another address of ours, says he does t care about possessions and furniture( expensive stuff) all that my daughters and myself have.
Lies constantly. But he enjoys making me suffer. Horrific narcissist- can only talk about himself. Tells us each month how much we have cost him. My girls are finishing uni and are desperate for jobs so that they do t have to ask him for money( they got their jobs bless them) straight off he asked how much they were getting.
SO horrible to me. Background is he already had tjeee kids which I've taken care of for 8 years( zero gratitude) and now he's calm told my daughter that he's going to go and live in Dubai!
She's upset but not upset if you get my drift because they simply don't like him anymore.
But the problem is he will cut me off financially.
He's said tonight that he will stay of if I treat him very well and give him respect. Is this emotional / domestic abuse?
He's blackmail g me to treat him well which all tho gs considered I do treat him well. I'm very nice to him just to keep the peace and I do it for my girls. But the three of us are unhappy and sick of him. He controls the purse strings gs and all else and he thrives on it but he also wants his freedom. I need a roof over my head after 25 years with him. He refused to marry me for all of these years. He's a serial cheat. Do I be poor and leave him or clever and stick it out.? I know some of you are goi g to attack me but please be nice. I've been to hell and back with this man. It's just after all of this time and abuse I dont want to make things easy for him by giving what he wants and leaving him.

There is no reason to stay: divorce exists and you need one.
I couldn’t understand everything you said, especially about apartments and moving his clothes etc (does he/you own multiple properties?).
Don’t tolerate the abuse.
Ring Women’s Aid or speak to a solicitor about your entitlement in a divorce.
Don’t let him treat you or your daughters like this for a day longer. Make it stop

Surely no amount of money could be worth spending the rest of your life with this man? Do you have the means to house and feed yourself without him?

They’re not married.

Crikey! I've seen people make assumptions when the post has begun to grow before, but how can the first person to respond have not even read the post properly???

My advice OP - be poor and get rid of the nasty bastard! Much better to be poor and happy, than well off and miserable, which is what I told my now DH, when I left my ex! He couldn't see why I would want to be with him, when he had a low paid job and couldn't offer me much, other than a roof over my head. However, while my ex was a good provider, and earned very well, he didn't have much to offer by way of love and emotional support, and was rarely around, as it seemed his work was more important to him than I was, something he confirmed in an argument after we split up! My now husband, is loving and affectionate, and puts me above anything, or any one else, which to me, is much more important.

Once you've got rid of him, you will be able to think more clearly, and will doubtless work out a way to survive financially. What is the other property that you've referred to OP?

Correct we aren’t married. He refused to. I have a small flat in the north but I don’t want to live there as it’s remote and I use it for an income which isn’t enough to live on. The thing is, I’ve been used as a nanny to his older kids then now that my own are grown up, he wants to leave. I’ve often suspected that he would do this. Thinks he can get very young women instead. He’s very immature but girls do go after him. I find him repulsive now. He’s 10 years older than me which isn’t too much but I find him unattractive due to his infidelity and his vile personality. There’s no trust at all. He actually frightens me when he looks at me with a look of hatred on his eyes. I know I’m an idiot for staying for money but I’ve supported him in the past and lost tens of thousands. I just want payback.

I don't think you're going to get payback, and if your house is being repossessed it doesn't sound like you're going to have a roof over your head for too much longer, either. I'd move on.

I honestly don't think you have much choice in this OP. Why would you want to carry on 'being nice' to this arsehole, do you honestly think that he's actually going to pay you back the money that you say you've lost?

He's been abusing you for years, and he will just carry on abusing you, so I really don't think you can win here, and if the house is being re-possessed, presumably he's either chosen not to pay the mortgage, or he doesn't have the money to do so. I would imagine it's the latter, as no one in their right mind would allow their home to be repossessed, if they were in a position to keep paying.

You still haven't explained about the property where you say, he's taken his clothes to. You said that you own a flat 'up North', but if he's gone to another property of yours, then is this another place that he owns, that you have no claim on?

If your current home is being repossessed, where are you planning to live? Much as I hate to say it, it's time to face up to what's going on. I know you don't want to go to the flat that you own, but I don't think you will have any choice, as the Council aren't going to re-home you, if you already own property. It sounds to me like you need some legal advice, as if you've been together for 25 years, you may have some sort of claim against him, but obviously you haven't really told us very much, so it's hard to know. Maybe book an appointment with Citizen's Advice as a starting point, and see what they suggest.

OP you are not going to be paid back for all you've done for this monster. He is incapable of gratitude.
You're operating in a sunken cost fallacy here; you have done x,y and z and have put up with him for so long and you don't want all your effort and suffering to amount to nothing. However, if you take that attitude, it only means you stay longer and have more sunken costs, which is madness. So cut your losses and dump him. Go to your apartment, no matter where it is. Your house is being foreclosed on so you have no choice. You're going to be poor anyway if he leaves you for one of his other women. Take the control of your life away from him. Best of luck.

Btw, as a pp said, get legal advice. You may be entitled to financial support.

Thank you everyone. I’ve been trying to outsmart him. The house being repossessed, he says he can save it but I doubt it. He has another property in UK which has all of his stuff in it incl some of mine. He says he so t just abandon me but he lies and he’s a Jekyll and Hyde. We are here now. I’ve decided I’ll give it until I know what’s going on with the main property then make a decision on my future.