Moaning about Shampoo?

[NotJustTheShampoo]

Hi all, I really need some outside perspective.

My husband and I live together with my 16-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. Her dad hasn’t contributed financially for the past 14 years, which my husband has always known. I work and bring in around £1,400 a month plus £100 child benefit. He earns about £2,200 a month.

Recently, I bought myself two large bottles (950ml each) of salon shampoo and conditioner for £39 for both. They last me around 3 months.
Myself and my daughter have really long hair. My husband questioned the cost like I was being irresponsible, saying “that’s a bit expensive for shampoo.”

I pointed out that he had just spent £80 on a single t-shirt (he has 25+ already) without even mentioning it to me and his response was basically that he doesn’t buy himself things (which just isn’t true).

I said it’s not about the shampoo or the t-shirt, it’s about the double standards,
he spends freely but makes me feel guilty for spending anything on myself. He then suggested we go back to separate finances and split everything 50/50 — despite knowing I earn significantly less than him. Our bills (including phones, gym, subscriptions, etc.) are around £2,028 a month, not including food shopping or car costs, which we share.

In the past, when we had separate finances, I couldn’t afford a holiday and he said, “Oh well, I’ll just ask my son if he wants to come instead.” More recently, I sold some things online (including my phone) and gave him half the money. But when there was a tin with £100 of holiday money, he took all of it without asking or offering to split it just said he was skint.

I’m exhausted from the imbalance and the emotional pressure. I contribute everything I can, even including my child benefit towards the bills, but still feel like I’m being financially controlled or guilt-tripped. He acts like I’m unreasonable for wanting fairness and some respect.

AIBU to feel like this isn’t sustainable? I’m not trying to take advantage of him I just want to be treated fairly and not like I’m constantly in the wrong for having less.

Sounds like an amazing guy you have there.

Household costs should be split by percentage, with him earning more, he should contribute more. Then he wont have a concern how much your shampoo costs because youre paying for it.

Tell him to do one, don't explain your purchases and try to justify them, if youre paying for it - he can sod off. Dont engage, don't explain.

First post nails it.

Yanbu the fact your own husband wouldn't pay for you to go on holiday together would of been the end for me.

I would suggest you start working full time and leave him.

If he wants to do that you might as well be not married.

Just to add to my previous post, after I raised the unfairness of him spending £80 on a t-shirt while criticising me for buying shampoo and conditioner that lasts 3 months, he told me we should split the savings we have and go back to separate finances meaning we each pay 50/50 towards the bills.

When I said I earn less than him (he earns around £2,200/month, I earn £1,400 + £100 child benefit), so it would be fair for him to pay a higher percentage, he said: “Why?”

I honestly didn’t know what to say at that point. He refuses to accept that contributing based on income is fairer than a straight 50/50 split when there’s such a difference in what we earn. The bills are over £2,000/month not including food or fuel, and I already contribute my child benefit towards them. A 50/50 split would leave me struggling, and he knows it.

It’s not just the money. It’s the lack of emotional support, respect, and teamwork. I feel like I’m being punished for earning less I and emotionally worn down every time I try to stand up for myself.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

What have separate finances?

I believe everything should be 50/50 regardless of how much either person earns. I’ve been taken advantage of in the past so now it’s something I insist on.

But I would be at a significant financial disadvantage. I’ve got a child to support. He earns quite a bit more than me so I would be left with no disposable income but he would have plenty.

This isn't marriage, or love, what's the point? I'd split up.

I agree with you, contributions to your joint home and life should be proportionate to your individual earnings. I think your DH is being deliberately obtuse asking ‘why’.

Cant help but agree with PP the way he wants it is not really a marriage then. He sounds mean. Because it benefits him, he wants a 50/50 split. The final thing for me also is he doesn’t even care if you (the love of his life? the woman he married!) are unable to go on holiday with him.

So is this what he’s going to be in old age also? I imagine your pensions will be disproportionate also, so are you going to be stuck indoors mostly with no life and him swanning about because you only have enough to contribute to the bills and nothing more because he forced you into a 50/50? Honestly OP, he’s shown you who he is. I’d listen.

Well, to be a bit reductive about it, if you divorce you'll get 50% of everything anyway. So, IMO, money once married should become shared. If you aren't willing to make that commitment, then you shouldn't marry (unless both parties specifically agree before). That is what being married means to me.

Both parties, presuming each person is pulling their weight, should have access to an equal amount of money for free spending. Which is determined after all bills are paid and all savings are squirrelled away from the joint pot.

And if he insists on treating you like a roommate, then where does that end? Should all unpaid labour for the other person stop? So no shared cooking, cleaning etc. No bigger portions, or extra biscuit if everything must be 50:50. Urghh I couldn't live like that.

So IMO, it'd be better not married than to Live in a marriage like that.

What a prince. How is the rest of your relationship? Crap i expect. I can’t imagine having to justify buying shampoo, I’m an adult.

Well, maybe your contributions should be proportional to your earnings, but id suggest they should also be proportional to fact you have a child too so you should be paying more from that perspective.

£38 on shampoo when you earn 1400 a month is VERY expensive! I can see his point.

'Has anyone else been in this situation?'

Er, not for long.
Nor should you.

Time to reassess your priorities, is this relationship worth your time & effort?

Consider also the example this relationship sets for your DD.

By all means, do all that see fit to improve things between you i.e. relationship counselling & equally put in effort in to see family law specialist/lawyer to confirm your legal rights.

Improve your earnings and sack him off. He's mean.

I earn substantially more than my husband. I would never behave the way your husband is.

This isn't a marriage, this is a flat share arrangement if he wants to go back to 50/50 bill splitting.

It should be proportional to earnings and so he should contribute more. He is a selfish arsehole who got caught with his t shirt purchase when he criticised the shampoo. I earned more than Dh to begin with, then we got married and he then out-earned me as his career took off has has done ever since. It would have been 3-4 times my salary if I had stayed working. I contribute zero. He contributes everything.

@dammit88 That shampoo lasts her and her DD 3 months so if we are just talking shampoo then £38 makes it £12.67 a month or daily if a 30 day month 42p a day. Does that make it more acceptable? I mean there is penny pinching and then there is this.

For a 950ml bottle of shampoo and a 950ml bottle of conditioner which will last me probably 4 months? Is it really that expensive when you break it down how long it will last me? I have really long hair, I can’t use just supermarket shampoo on my hair. It makes my hair feel awful.

why dont you work full time

Then you should go back to work full time and childcare should be split 50/50 too. If you're earning less because you're doing all the childcare, that isn't really 50/50.

Alternatively you up your days and he drops a day and pulls his weight with childcare.

He's a cheeky bastard. How much does the think he'd be paying if you weren't taking the financial hit by looking after your DC?

I work 30 hours. The post I’ve been in for 5 years. There is a recruitment freeze at the minute at our Trust so I’m struggling to increase to anymore than that at the moment.

It’s not much of a marriage you have there. Sounds very miserable. Who argues about shampoo and shirts?