AIBU to expect a man with a child to understand that plans need confirming or is he just not bothered about meeting me ?

[Greycoudsabove]

Hello Mumsnet 👋

I have dipped my toes back into the dating world but I really question my sanity sometimes. I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for many years and did 2 years of therapy but dating now seems different. I find my friends come across very similar problems just unsure about mens intentions and what is acceptable and 'normal' behaviour...

Been chatting to a guy for nearly 3 weeks. Great connection, lots of deep and fun chats. We both have children. He’s got his daughter visiting from abroad until mid-August, my ex isnt involved with our children so I'm solo parenting and I’ve got a holiday coming up soon.

We both said we’d like to meet. I gave him two dates I was free, and he jokingly picked the earlier one (Monday), saying it would stop me focusing too much on packing. He then said he’d ask his mum to confirm if she can watch his daughter. He came back with that he spoke to her and she should be able to but he will get her to confirm 100% in writing... that was 2 days ago. No update since.

He knows I don’t have local family to help with childcare, so I can't secure my plans unless he does. Meanwhile, the energy has gone really low. He’s still around, sending the odd message, but nothing that suggests proper effort - and he recently added a topless photo to his profile, which raised an eyebrow.
AIBU to think if he was genuinely interested, he’d confirm or at least communicate? I’m not expecting a parade, just basic clarity. Or should I be more understanding because he’s got his daughter with him?

I don’t want to chase. I just don’t know if I’m expecting too much or spotting the signs early. Do I sent a message and say this is low effort, wish you all the best or do I wait ? I mean we have 2 days until the supposed date, with no confirmation if his mum is having his daughter, what time we are meeting and where. I feel uncomfortable. AIBU - wait for him to come back. Not BU - low effort, cut him off.

Cut him off. If he really wanted to meet you, you'd know. I mean it's your first meeting and he's arsing around like this?

I've had a few friends OLD and this all about the chase but chicken out/don't follow through on meeting seems to be common.

You are right to be disappointed and wary. I wouldn’t chase him and if/when he gets in touch to ask about the date, tell him that you have made other plans as he didn’t get back to you to confirm. In the unlikely event that he’s a nice, keen and thoughtful man who has a really good reason not to have made firmer plans then he will make an extra effort to retrieve the situation. If he doesn’t do this then he is not the right man for you. He is either not keen enough or is not used to taking other people into consideration when making plans, which would make him incompatible with you as a single parent.

Never done OLD
But Golden rule - meet in Person asap , and don’t waste too much time chatting on line.
Genuinely some men just want pen pal type relationships.
it’s easy and convenient
When they have to make real effort -
get washed / shave / clean their teeth and put on clean underwear- And book a baby sitter, it all gets abit real.
He’s backing off because he can’t be bothered.
It’s not you.
Throw him back.
He’s probably chatting up several other women for an ego boost.
As soon as it turns real - Tumbleweed.
A genuine person would be chomping at the bit to meet you ….

He is an arse , absolutely. He is an adult and knows even more so when kids are involved your plans are precious. It takes two seconds to send a text therefore don’t waste another bit of energy on him

Modern dating seems exhausting.. you’ve known him 3 weeks, and already having multiple deep chats, and expectation of multiple contacts a day.

I miss the 90s, you saw people once a week, bumping into each other in pubs… not much chatting between dates, the whole thing started slowly . Instant messaging has a lot to answer for

…it’s been 3 weeks.

And also like someone further up said. Chat maybe a week max and meet someone quick to know if you vibe. anyone can come across nice on messaging and then that happens - a total flop or they start playing silly buggers.

Thanks!

Exactly, we had been chatting for long enough. There is no expectation for endless chats because we both have a life and why i said I'd prefer to meet sooner rather than later to avoid ending up as pen pals. We have however touched base daily until now.

I am super busy with DC and work whilst he is currently off (he has delayed starting his new job so he has longer break) and I still have the time to be able to communicate with someone so this sudden disappearance feels disrespectful? Or am I too demanding?

Not interested

wrap it up op

Waste of time this one

I suspect he’s maybe waiting to see how another date goes first

You’re not listening @Greycoudsabove
He only wants a pen pal for ego boosts / to make himself feel attractive/ good about himself.
He’s sat there chatting to you on line in his 3 day old boxers - doesn’t that bother you ?
Dump.

3 days old boxers got me howling 🤣🤣🤣

Overthinking, over-analysis - it never ends well OP. Don’t put all your eggs in this basket, have at least three on the go to stop you from fixating. Trust me

The topless photo alone says all you need to know about this letch. Utterly, utterly rancid.

If it’s been 3 weeks and you’ve not met, it’s likely not going to happen. If he’s updating his profile he’s still actively looking for other dates. He’s likely seeing how some dates go this weekend and you’ll be on the back burner until then.
Chuck this one back and meet quicker next time. It’s not worth your energy.
Also topless posts say a lot about him. He sounds gross.

Yup totally correct, I sent the message calling it out and cutting off and got almost instant response how we are not compatible 🤣

Now block on the app

So much for ‘Great connection and deep and fun chats. ‘
Sounds like he was love bombing you (pretending to have loads in common).
What a Creep.
Don’t give up on OLD @Greycoudsabove
i know people who have met this way and are very Happy.

I really appreciate all the support. Thank you

I am resigning to the fact I will meet someone decent. I don't know where those men are or how to meet them when life gets in a way ( no time for regular hobby).