AIBU to be annoyed about a message in a birthday card

[NestEmptying]

I got a card from DB for my birthday yesterday which said To my favourite sister and my kids second favourite Auntie after Jane (name changed). He has no other sister and his kids only have two aunts. So he's basically saying his kids don't like me!

. He presumably meant it to be funny but I didn't laugh and it just felt like a big fuck you! We're in our 50s so maybe I should get his sense of humour by now but this felt like being bullied.

He called to say happy birthday and ask if I got the card and what I thought - So I told him exactly how it made me feel. He has apologised and so has his wife - who said she told him not to put it but he did anyway!

My AIBU is this. DM read the card on the mantelpiece and asked me about it so I told her what I'd said. (That I'd felt bullied) She wants me to apologise for overreacting! I don't think I did.

DM thinks I shouldn't have said anything and I should have taken it as a joke. One of her card jokes is to put 'my favourite daughter' in my card (I'm her only daughter, ha ha), so I think DB was just riffing off this and went too far - he has apologised and will presumably not be so thoughtless next time.

Was I unreasonable to tell DB he upset me with this comment? I told DM I wouldn't be apologising - but I wondered if anyone agreed with her? Her 'favourite daugher' joke has never really sat well either, why not just be nice!
YABU - it was just a joke and you should apologise for overreacting
YANBU - You didn't overreact.

I won't vote, because I don't agree with either option. it was an attempt at humour that upset you, so fine tell your brother that, but why jump to calling it bullying? It is an overreaction to say he is bullying you, but you don't need to apologise for not finding it funny.

Not surprised. I'm glad you told him he's not as funny as he thinks he is.

Try to not rise to what your mother says. It's not always easy, I know. But what she thinks doesn't matter. You have no reason to apologise.

I think he just thought 'oh I'll make that 'favourite' joke' without understanding that you only make that joke of there is only one person (you are my favourite niece if there's only one niece) you don't say it where there is actually a possibility of favouritism. So sadly for you, your brother is a bit thick, but I wouldn't read any more into it than that. He's apologised, you certainly don;t need to, he was an idiot.

The main thing is to remember that it was you brother who wrote something stupid, not your nieces they didn;t have anything to do with it, so don't jump onto the idea that your nieces don;t like you just because their dad made a stupid remark that involved them, without consulting them. I mean do you really think your nieces said 'Oh dad can you let Aunty Nest know in her birthday card that we like Aunty Jane better than her' ? Of course not. Your brother is a fool but you will already know that, can't be the first time he's done something stupid.

And your Mum needs to pop her beak away, none of her business.

I can't remember the last time either of my brothers sent me a birthday card, funny or otherwise.

At least he remembered.

I have the exact same issues as this with my brother and mother. Always been told that I'm too sensitive and that it was meant as a joke. I wouldn't apologise except maybe say that you're sorry that he was offended. This would only be to keep the peace. My reasoning? before anyone jumps on this is that being in this situation means that you will never win. They will get where you're coming from. I always feel a bit scapegoated. I've had endless conversations about it but to no avail. I've chosen to let it go now. The weird thing is when it's just my brother and me it's fine. He seems to enjoy ridiculing me in front of others to make them laugh.
What's annoying is that if I were to do the same to him, he wouldn't laugh and react so that I would awful! I empathise with you.
Phew that was a lot.

This is a tough one because you say you don't think he did it with malice? So accusing him of bullying you seems a bit of an overreaction.

On the other hand, it's a really weird joke? I don't get what's funny about essentially saying the kids like their other aunt more than they like you. Is it true? Are they closer to her? That said, if it IS true that seems even meaner!

Just odd all round. I don't know if you're BU or not!

This. I know I'm not my niece's cool aunty, but nobody should say it to me!

My dad wrote "To my second favourite daughter" in my last birthday card. It's a joke, he writes the exact same thing in my sister's card. There's every chance they wrote "To my favourite sister-in-law and my kids second favourite Auntie after NestEmptying" in Jane's card.

Overreacting. Why did you read it as the kids don't like you? So what if they like Jane better than you, they still love you but Jane's got the edge.
Or, he writes the same to Jane, how do you know that Jane doesn't get a card saying second favourite auntie?
As for bullying, unless there's a major backstory (and if there is why are you still in contact?), this isn't bullying. It's banter that missed the mark. He's apologised and hopefully won't do it again.

You're not alone. Unfortunately.

Yanbu.
Your brother is a twat and your mother should mind her own bloody business.

Oh come off it. It's just in line with some people's sarcastic and silly sense of humor rather than people being mean or PA.

It was a misjudged joke.

OP to call it bullying is an overreaction and frankly a little bit demeaning to those who are actually bullied.

However your DM is way over involved.

I have exactly the same issue, OP.

My brother will say some horrible things to me and about myself and children, presented as thinly veiled ‘jokes’, but I know if I were to reference his kids in the same way he’d over react and I’d be blamed by my mother for upsetting him.

Of course if I were to react in that way I’d be blamed for causing a scene/ ruining the atmosphere, being over-sensitive.

People will say go NC, but that feels like giving him exactly what he wants - my family having less contact with the GP’s.

I know how it feels. You can’t win.

It probably was a joke but that doesn't matter. I think this is a long ingrained dynamic and your mother taking his side and goes right back.

The only way to change a dynamic like that is exactly what you've done. You'll get pushback because it'll feel uncomfortable for them but it needs to be done.

Tell him no more jokes and tell your mother that if she takes his side again then she can bugger off as well.

I agree.

Oversensitive and exhausting OP. You must have a very charmed life if this is what it takes to upset you this much.

Or, maybe she's had to deal with his immature and stupid jokes being excused and encouraged her entire life? It gets exhausting.

I thought that you sounded OTT at first but then I read your update about how he’s behaved over the years, and I changed my mind. YANBU.