To worry that my DD is too well behaved?

[Toomuchstufffff]

This is not a sly brag post at all.

I’m worried about DD6. She is very well behaved and mannered. She always has been from being even a toddler. DH and I have always been firm but fair but we have always insisted on good manners, etc. We both work in education and DD was our first child so I think maybe sometimes we may have been too strict with her and not really let anything slide. People always comment on how well behaved she is.

The problem is that she seems to base a lot of her self worth on how well she behaves. She gets very upset and worried if she does something ‘wrong’ even if it’s an accident despite my reassurances. Sometimes when we’re at a park or soft play, she’ll go along with what other children want to play even though I can tell she doesn’t want to but it’s like she wants to please everyone. She also will never stand up for herself if another child takes the toy she was playing with. She will often come up to me or other family members and tell them what good thing she has done that day to get praise.

I was very similar as a child and attached most of my self worth to how others perceived me. It’s taken me to my late 30s to get a handle on it and caused me a great deal of misery before I did. I just want to nip this in the bud with DD. I want her to push back sometimes and speak her mind.

AIBU? And if I’m not, how do I do it?

You sound like a lovely mum and it's great you are thinking about this.

You could reassure when she makes mistakes or accidents happen that you can see she's feeling really worried, but that it's OK to make mistakes and it doesn't change how much you love her. I've also found that modelling it myself has been quite good for my DC - like if I spill something or whatever, going through out loud my feelings about it (it might feel unnatural and a bit silly, but worth a try!) and trying to model self compassion. I also liked the story Ish by Peter H. Reynolds which is a good one about the value of "not getting it right".

Could you also role play standing up for herself with others, but with you (so you take a toy or try to control the game, and she could practise what she could say to stand up for herself?)

I was also very much like this as a child! I wonder if it's about you and DH reflecting a little on how you react if she does speak her mind, get angry etc? My mum was very loving and is a great mum, but also will admit now that she had a very clear idea of the right way to do things which maybe sometimes didn't allow me much room to find my own path - it's taken lots of chats with her and my DH, and thinking for me, to think about the traps I might fall into with my own DC. Good luck!

Echoing pp - reinforcing that mistakes are OK as is standing up for yourself. Perhaps you and another adult could set up a situation where you have a conversation along the lines of friend / relative wanting to do x but you don't want to and speak up for yourself.

I would also make sure you praise the behaviours you want her to exhibit. E.g. praising persistence and effort rather than getting things right first time. If you google 'growth mindset' there is a lot of information out there and it is something schools try to promote.

Just remembered something else I read about this when I was worried about this with DD - when they come to you for that praise and validation you can shift your response back to them, rather than on the external praise - so e.g. they draw a picture and instead of (or in addition to) just saying "good job" you can say something like "what's your favourite part" or "how did you decide to use those colours" so it shifts the focus back onto them and their own thoughts about what they've done.

Educators

My DD was a bit like this at that age. I felt that she let people walk all over her at primary school. And really was a kid that adults liked because of how polite and well spoken she was. However we've spoken about it more recently-she's 14 now- and she reflects that she doesn't remember it like that. She was just keen to avoid arguments over unimportant things and just wanted to go with the flow. She now seems to have a lovely group of friends who are similar and she stands up for herself or her friends if she needs to but still quite conflict averse. I don't think its a big problem.