To think either I leave him to work it out for himself or I put DS through a rubbish time?

[Ja1000]

DS is 2.5.

For context DP has a job with long hours and good pay and I do benefit from that so he does more of that side of things. However… DP barely does anything practical with him in full. By that I mean I am always in the background, I’ve packed a bag, I’ve remembered a spare pack of wipes, I’ve seen an accident before it’s happened (DS about to grab a glass etc). I’m like dp’s insurance policy when things get out of hand as I never fully leave them to it.

But the reason I don’t leave them to it is because things always go wrong. This morning he was supposed to get up with ds and sort breakfast and leave the house. I said it’s much better to go out earlier than later as he will start getting bored around 9 after a few hours awake. I hear a crash, DS has managed to slam a door and a picture has come off the wall. While DP is faffing around with that, DS has hurt himself tearing round the place because DP hasn’t watched him.

I could go on but these things happen constantly if I’m not around. DS isn’t difficult, no more so than usual toddler behaviour. I feel exhausted like I’m having to supervise all the time but equally if I didn’t then I worry what would happen. What to do?

You sound very controlling. Just leave DP to it and let him work out his own routines with his own child. So what if he forgets spare wipes or leaves the house a bit later than you would - he will cope

What do you mean by DS hurt himself? Presuming you mean minor stuff along the lines of jumping on the sofa, fell over and got a slight bump then I’d leave DP to it. You’ve learned what it’s like caring for a toddler through lived experience from when they first get mobile building up gradually to the phase you’re currently in. It doesn’t sound like DP has ever had so he’s totally clueless but it’s high time he figured it out and he won’t so long as you’re lurking in the background ready to swoop in. Just go out so it’s out of sight out of mind.

(But if DP is actually neglectful and DS is at risk of proper serious injury don’t do that. I’m assuming we’re talking minor silly toddler stuff here!)

Assuming DP is not neglectful and we are talking standard toddler mishaps, the key is to not be there, then you can’t swoop in. This has the whiff of weaponised incompetence about it.
If DP is willing to put his son in harms way to avoid care, that is a totally different conversation.

You sound controlling and you need to stop.

How will your husband ever learn to think for himself when it comes to parenting if he’s not able to learn the valuable lessons and gain experience on his own.

He will grow to resent you if you carry on the way you are.

She doesn't sound controlling at all. She sounds concerned for her toddler, and wanting to make everyone's life smooth.

but it's burning you out OP.

Leave him to it, while the child is a toddler, and it's of a level of forgetting wipes or snacks or whatever, leave him to it so he learns to take responsibilty - the things that can go wrong are generally inconveniences, not life or death (although yes, they might be uncomfortable for the toddler)

And if he gets angry at you, because you didn't do this stuff for him, then that will tell you a lot about the kind of man he is.

edit: Controlling would be hovering over him making him pack the bag, having a go at him if he'd forgotten the wipes, making him do things. She's not making him do anything, she's enabling his incompetence, not controlling his behaviour. Depending on the outcome of him not taking responsibility - ie. if this is weaponised incompetence - he might be the controlling one.

Politely and kindly you arent special

I am always in the background, I’ve packed a bag, I’ve remembered a spare pack of wipes, I’ve seen an accident before it’s happened (DS about to grab a glass etc). I’m like dp’s insurance policy when things get out of hand as I never fully leave them to it.

I earn double my dh and could still have written that.... so could most women.

and you are trying to control too much and have everything "perfect" 😅
I know because i am the same (or i was pre kids) i arguing with a therapist about it for a year and 18m in a lightbulb went off !

I realised I had to give my DH the space to work it out ...as in literal physical space... If i am there hovering he finds it hard too. And to stop interfering... natural consequences

He's left without coats / water / nappies / sunscreen and had to come back. Its no big deal really is it?
Now oldest is 3.5 and baby is 1.5 and he is very proficient so a good trade off for me. (Mild inconveniences for a while loading to solid coparent)

Accidents still happen....that's life with kids. Pur youngest is very accident prone wau more so than oldest.
The odd thing still gets forgotten and we just pick up something when out or go without . ....because we are all fallible humans.

Let him back the bag then check it / or remind him of what's missing - then let him sort it out.

Little kids have accidents whether you are watching or not. If you don’t stand back for DP to figure it out now, then he never will.

It does sound like you could give him a bit more space to figure it out. Surely a man who has a well paid job with long hours is capable of packing a bag and managing a single toddler, let him do it and he can manage.

If you are with your child more of the time, you will inevitably have developed an instinct for his quirks and an ability to predict things.

If your OH does not get to parent him alone then how will he develop this with you hovering around?

My children had regular days when my late OH was in sole charge - I made a point of not asking in too much detail about what went on on those days! His day - his way. I suspect chocolate was involved!! They are all happy adults now!

I’m always forgetting wipes and things, am the primary care giver and resent the title that I’m putting my kids through a rubbish time.

we have a great time. It’s not measured by how organised I am or how many glasses I prevent from being knocked over.

He's never going to learn (the dad, not the toddler, he's just being a child) if you are his safety net all the time. Let them get on with it. Unless it's a life threatening situation, you've got to step back.

Leave them more often. Go out when DP has the toddler where possible. Don't get involved unless you genuinely fear for a proper injury.

You have fallen it the trap of believing because you are with your ds all the time, because your DP is working your way is the only way to do things.

All toddlers have accidents. Knock things over, jump or trip over things.

So what if he goes out without a bag or a spare packet of wipes. He will manage and it won't be the end of the world.

Or if he goes out later than you suggest. Again he will manage.

If you want a partner who is capable of being an equal parent then that's what you need to let him be.

Treat him like your sending your child of with a relative with a list of instructions then that's how he will act.

I was you for our first child. Always prepping everything to make DH’s life easier. We now have 4 and I totally leave him too it. It was so much about me being controlling more than him being incapable. After he left the house a few times without shoes on the kids feet and left without nappies / wipes he soon learnt.

loosen the reins and let him crack on

You married an adult, why not give him the chance to act like one! Nobody likes a micromanager

Weaponised incompetence or he needs more practical experience and practice.

Either way leave him to it more often.

Leave him to it.
With enough practice he we become as efficient and as good as you at managing a toddler.
You weren’t born knowing how to do it, you had to learn.
Step back.

You are being controlling and, worse, you are enabling your DP’s uselessness.
You have to leave him to it so he can learn the skillset you have when looking after your child.

You're bejng controlling, and in turn allowing your partner to be incompetent.

I've seen this scenario play out so often now. Women give birth and often breastfeed - from the off mothers generally spend more time than fathers with their babies. During this time they "learn" their baby. Mums also tend to have longer off - months - than dads. So while mims spend 6-12 months having a crash course in parenting, dads go back to work after 2-4 weeks and are meant to carry on as if they havn't had this bug, life changing event, So dads gain parenting experience more slowly, They make mistakes under the critical, "expert" eye of the baby's mother. Mother starts gatekeeping. Dad has no opportunity to learn Mum complains that dad is incompetent and feels hard done by that she has to do all the childcare.

Basically, leave your husband be to work things pit for himself. Also accept that his way and your way will be different.

Just keep the bag packed all the time then everything’s there for both of you. My DH wouldn’t have known where the wipes were kept! Put a picture up more securely! It fell of the wall because a toddler slammed a door? How? While they are out check all your pictures and mirrors. Then let DH get on with it. He’s at least bothering. My DH did nothing when dc were toddlers.