Or is my partner?

[Burntoutmum89]

Have been with partner around 8 years, 2 kids aged 4 and 9 months. Due to various circumstances the first few months after second came along were really difficult/stressful and tiring. I ended up with pretty bad ppd and PPA. Have been in therapy for several months. Still struggling but some improvement. One of the things that has come up is lack of support and that I am basically completely burnt out. Therapist has suggested couples therapy.

I am on mat leave but still pay nearly half all bills (partner puts a couple hundred extra into bills account). I also pay for most kids clothes, activities etc. and half of shopping. I have almost nothing left over. We have savings but these are in partners name. Partners family are wealthy and will give him money for holidays/big purchases etc.
I do all cooking and laundry, other housework is shared. Baby is breast feeding, I do all the night times. I do all family/life admin.
Partner is self employed, works from home, very flexible. Works mornings (while I get kids up, ready for nursery drop off etc). Will often then do things like go to the gym, meet friend for coffee etc. then work again in afternoon. Have kids while I make tea, help with bed time then will watch TV. Usually does this weekends as well as during week. Will take some time off if I ask but not a full day unless he is doing something he wants to. However does gym several times a week, couple of coffee dates, night out every couple of weeks, will go and watch sport at weekend. Had 4 lads holidays last year while I was pregnant.
I've had 2 lunches and one dinner with friends in 9 months, plus got my hair done twice. Other than that have been with one/both child 24/7.

Have had multiple conversations about my mental health, needing more support/time out, needing help in mornings sometimes. Have also had conversions as he will criticise me on my diet/tell me I need to lose weight etc. which really upsets me. Things never change or will for a couple of days.

Things have reached a head recently after I asked for some money out of savings to cover end of mat leave as money has been stressing me out and he said no we can't afford it, this has led to arguments and we have been considering separating. He had said he would try harder two days ago. Today he came to me and said he wants to go on holiday with friends in a few weeks (abroad). I am so upset that given he has said he doesn't have time/money to help me more that he could do this. He thinks I am being unreasonable.

So who is unreasonable here?

Wow.....

No wonder your mental health is suffering. Goodness me.... This is not a YOU problem, I can assure you of that.

I actually have a friend who's husband behaves similarly (but she very much protects him and will not say a bad word about him , she's very "trad" wife and is happy to play the jolly wife) she's not scared of him, so I don't really know why she goes along with it really. But in truth, I pity her for it.

When you have a family , you put them first. End of. Having children requires sacrifices. You kiss goodbye to regular boozy nights out. To me, the lads holidays are just plain wrong. You don't do that when you're married with kids. You adjust to your new life. It's disrespectful to your spouse and it's even more disrespectful to the children that are owed your presence. You should be doing things as a family. He's really having his cake and eating it.

My friends DH next move on her was to start suggesting 2 weeks in faraway destinations just the two of them, whilst kids were palmed off on various family members. She was really anxious the first time and could tell she wasn't too keen on the idea. Fast forward ,they now do it every year and for 2weeks at a time. Plus the other frequent palm off of the kids. They're behaviour is now terrible and I unfortunately have a good idea why. Ultimately those holidays without the kids for extended periods are his idea as he clearly doesn't enjoy fatherhood or family life and for some reason she plays the sheep.

Don't be that wife. Because you and the kids will suffer for this and you don't deserve it.

Your husbands behaviour is irresponsible, cruel, selfish and crass.

I know it's so very difficult when you have children, but I do think your best best is to think about a future where he isn't your partner. Hard as that may be. You don't deserve to have your mental health in tatters because of him and his self absorbed behaviour. I hope you have family around you outside of him ?

You know the answer to this! He’s got an easy deal in all of this hasn’t he? His life barely changes, he prioritises himself and his happiness whilst you get to be the one making all of the sacrifices. How about you start going to the gym as much as he does, if he wants to go away on holiday then you also get to go away on holiday with him staying at home doing everything. Are you married? How are your finances divided because it sounds like he is taking more than his fair share of the pie.

Get rid.

Oh i think you’d feel an immense weight lift if you separated with this guy. Sounds truly awful, you deserve better and your kids need to see you happy:

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so rubbish about it all. It’s definitely not you, and you deserve better than that!! This reads almost exactly what my ex husband did when we had a child. He couldn’t cope with giving up his life and would never ever put family first. He continued (and gained further) new expensive hobbies to take him out the house several times a week. I struggled badly. He saw me working evenings as “having a break” and “doing me a favour” by looking after his own child. I had zero time to myself. He would have a go at me when I said we needed milk/bread/whatever at the shop (basic stuff!!), and tell me he couldn’t afford it. Then the very next day he would spend £15 on a bottle of salon-style shampoo for himself (that I wasn’t allowed to use). Once he even went and got his teeth whitened £££ after I had to water down the milk in the fridge to make it last longer. I was so sad and low but too scared to say/do anything as he belittled me. He had an affair in the end because he was clearly bored and always wanted more. Never happy with family life. Plus he didn’t like my baby weight and the fact I was too bloody knackered to do full hair/makeup some days. He wanted a trophy wife with no baggage. Only ever thought of himself, which sounds like yours too…

I think you do need to give very serious thought about separation for your own health, wellbeing and happiness. Whilst that comes with its own difficulties, I promise it’s liberating to be able to live your own life. I doubt he will want the kids 50/50 by the sounds of it so he would have to pay you maintenance - probably more than he contributes now!!

That lads holiday is a big fat no in my book, especially as he refused to help his own family financially when in need! That would be the ultimatum I’d give to be fair. He goes on that, he packs his bags and doesn’t come back. But I know it’s easier said than done…

Do you have family/friends IRL that you can speak to and ask for help/support around this?

sending you a hug and a bucket load of strength.

It’s like modern slavery. He’s exploiting you and your labour and rewarding himself. It’s absolutely appalling that you’ve had to bear the full financial brunt of the maternity leaves yet he refuses to share.

You say “we” have savings that are in his name. He clearly sees that money as his alone.

He's continuing his life like he's still childless. Sounds like he thinks they're your responsibility and he can dip in and out of fatherhood whenever it suits him.

Is so.e of the savings your money? He cant deny you your own money, what he's doing is called financial abuse. Please get some advice on this. And then open up your own savings account.

They dont change. You'd actually be financially better off single between social welfare and maintenance. Sounds like he doesn't care about you anyway.

He sounds like a selfish prick. I’d tell him that too.

Why are you putting up with this?

Did he change after you had the baby? I'm guessing not.

Obviously its too late to change that, but he is not your 'partner'

Stop doing the housework, dont cook for him while you're paying half bills. Stop paying for child stuff from your own account, use the joint one and when its empty, dont buy him food.

Go back to work, child in nursery paid from joint account, and no more dc.

Everything depends on balance and opportunity. My DH still goes on at least 4 overseas football trips a year... they are not 2 week holidays, usually 2 to 3 nights a time. But I am free to do the same, and he encourages me to do it.
All this was discussed before we had kids, it was something he didn't want to give up and I still wanted to do some of my things. Life changes when you have kids, it doesn't end.
The real issue you have is him controlling the money and things not being equal for opportunity. Book a break with the girls and agree to his trip with the boys... then see his reaction.

Your position is extremely vulnerable financially, so it’s vital you do everything possible recover well enough to work full time and earn as well as you can.

If he is financially and/or emotionally abusive (which from what you say could well be the case) then couple counselling wouldn’t be appropriate.

Ask him for your savings, it’s not OK for your money to be in his sole name! If he refuses, he’s abusive.

You are being financially abused and treated like a trad wife, with none of the securities of marriage or pension provision.

If there is no prospect of all money and assets pooled, you may as well get out now, as you are just his slave.

good partners and fathers don’t behave like this.

His being self employed means that when you break up he can seek to avoid paying much child maintenance.

His family isn’t a priority to him. You’re better off without him, at least that way he’d have to pay child maintenance and care for his own children every other weekend.

First get your name on the savings account. Second, see a lawyer and leave him and get out. This will never improve.

Who owns the house? You're very vulnerable without having any legal protections in place with a marriage contract.
The boyfriend has robbed your savings since they're in his personal account, can you get them back?
This man is prioritising his finances and hobbies, so do the same.
You need to become financially independent, forget keeping this man on as a boyfriend, increase your earnings, pension, and secure housing if you don't own the property.

You mentioned that 'we have savings ' but they're in his name. Please tell me you haven't been putting any of your money into a savings account in his name. He's financially controlling and you're not married. You'll never get that money back. He's happy to protect his money and see you struggling but board his. All expenses for children should be shared and coming out of a joint account.

You're vulnerable here but being married. Protect yourself and leave. He's self employed so you'll get almost no maintenance but you can't live like this.