To move our whole lives to escape childhood trauma

[NewStart92]

I'll try to cut a long story short here. I grew up watching my dad physically and psychologically abuse my mum. They separated for good when I was 13. We still live in the same town and so do they. My dad's still a pretty evil person who has no interest in changing or acknowledging what he's done. My mum's been left with emotional, financial and physical health issues.

I have CPTSD as a result and, although I'm having therapy, I feel like being stuck in the same town where it all happened is ruining my chances of recovery.

I'm happily married (although it's not without its challenges - we both had difficult childhoods) and we have 2 kids in primary school - reception and Y1. I don't want to disrupt their lives but also feel completely trapped living here. Prior to kids, we loved travelling the world. It's not possible for us to permanently travel, but I'm desperate for a change.

We don't have much family help, so it's not like we'd be moving away from a big support network.

My job's remote so I could work anywhere really, and my husband has practical skills that mean he'd find it pretty easy to get a job anywhere.

Am I being unreasonable to want to escape the place that reminds me every day of my childhood? Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved as a means of escape? How did it go?

Thanks in advance!

Yep I moved from the middle of the country to Cornwall to be away from bad memories of an appalling period of my life.... it worked as well as you can expect - obviously the memories/scars/damage comes with you but you aren't constantly driving down a street thinking of the time you drove there distraught etc.

I haven't moved BUT I hate visiting the home village where I was abused and visiting my mother where I wasn't kept safe.
When she dies I'll sell her house and never go there again.

Moving sounds like a really good idea for you and your family, @NewStart92. I do think that it is easier for children to move schools and make new friends when they are younger, though we did move from Essex to Scotland when ours were 11, 13 and 15, and they absolutely thrived.

I would move for sure! I moved a few times as a kid to new countries and while I missed my old friends I love having many places to call home.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable, but I also wonder if you might find the distress goes with you. EMDR is a real game changer for memories of trauma.

Thanks so much to all who've replied and I'm so sorry to those who've been thought terrible times. My husband's definitely worried that it won't 'work', for want of a better word, and obviously moving is crazy expensive. In a truly ideal world we'd go to Canada! Fell in love with it when we visited and my husband's skills would actually be valued there, unlike the UK. He was told this when he went there for a week to work in the Canadian branch of his current company...

Very much not being unreasonable! It’s a good time to settle somewhere and start afresh, the children will find it a little bit challenging but they are young and adaptable. And while nobody just leaves trauma behind, at least you won’t be near the source. All the very best.

That's so interesting. I've been trying to get some details about EMDR but can't get anywhere. Can I ask how you accessed it, or if it wasn't for you, the best way to do so? Thanks so much

Canada is a lovely country OP - I would jump at the chance. Moving expensive, but you only live once.

Absolutely go for it! If you dont i think you will always regret it. Young children adapt quickly so the best time to go is now.

No it wont erase the past but maybe it will lead to a brighter future.

This! If there was even the remotest chance I could move to Canada I would do it in a heart beat.

Canada is beautiful for sure!

I don’t have childhood trauma so maybe I’m missing something, but this sounds like a no brainier to me. What possible reason could there be to not move? Canada sounds wonderful so if it’s genuinely an option then go for it. If you don’t I suspect you’ll be twenty years down the line still living in the shadow of your childhood and really regretting you didn’t leave. As for uprooting the children, plenty of people do it for all sorts of reasons and it can take a while to adjust, but they do adjust. As they get older there will be other possible barriers (eg disruption to education), so the sooner the better I think.

It's an interesting perspective! He doesn't have a job offer in Canada or anything so I'd have to look into it, but AI tells me his chances of getting a visa are pretty strong. The housing is so expensive, but i guess it is here too. We're in the midlands though, in a relatively cheap area compared to other parts of the UK.

We also have a few family members we'd really miss, but the urge to start afresh is so strong. I suppose the main worry would be 'doing the wrong thing'. But I'll be so disappointed with myself if I get to the end of life and haven't lived anywhere else... even with the childhood stuff aside!

Remember, you can always move back.

But if you never go, you never know!

Do it, OP- if you don't try, you'll always wonder! Step out of the box, explore, and if it turns out that the grass isn't any greener in your new place, you can always return (or move elsewhere!).

I moved away from where I grew up. It's nice to be in a place that isn't associated with bad memories, and to explore somewhere new. Occasionally, I go back to visit family... and I'm always glad to leave and come back home!

The vast majority of people who moved away from the village where I grew up move back. I shall not be one of them 😁

I left home at 17, moved out if the town at 18 and never went back. Best thing I ever did so think it’s a great idea. Trauma doesn’t resolve with moving but it helps. Another vote for EMDR though. I had mine privately with a local therapist who specialises in it. It was quite expensive per session but I only needed 6 sessions to see real results.

Move away - I did and it was like a therapy from the moment I was away.