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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to worry that I'll end up as a sidelined mil

42 replies

Mavornia · 27/05/2008 08:37

Maybe not the right place to post, couldn't think where else it should go

I have problems with my mil (along with half of mn it seems ;) and I was just thinking how sad it would be if I ended up on the sidelines in years to come with my own ds. I look at ds's little fuzzy head, especially when he's asleep and all curled up into me and think how I just couldn't bear not to be close to him when he's grown up.

So many peope don't see their parents much and in-laws in particular seem to be the bane of so many of our lives.

Just fretting thinking of a time when it might be me

OP posts:
saadia · 27/05/2008 08:40

I have two dss and sometimes think about this. I think the best we can do is to raise them to be considerate and loving and close to their family and hope that those values will stay with them in adulthood.

lulumama · 27/05/2008 08:42

i think for a lot of families where there are issues, it seems to be down to the MIL wanting to be involved to an extent the DIL and son don;t want.. or does not want to be involved to the extent the DIL and son want. so maybe some of these issues could be solved before arrival of grandchildren etc

talking and communicating go a long way

if everyone knows where they stand then that helps

e.g MIL & FIL want to spend their time travelling and shopping and babysitting once in a while, whilst DIl and son want them to provide free childcare when DIL goes back to work... these sorts of issues seem to cause massive problems

people not meeting unspoken or badly communicated expectations seems to be the big issue in creating tension

OrmIrian · 27/05/2008 08:42

It is going to be a hard line to follow I think. I look at my MIL and although I'm on good terms with her and DH is quite fond of her still (in his way) I know he isn't that interested in her life and has little real respect for her. It's so sad. I dread being like that. But she's been a goodish mum and a good (hands off) MIL - so how do you manage to keep the relationship going with some real connection and affection? Perhaps you don't. I get the impression that some people think you should just accept that the mother/son relationship has to virtually come to an end on marriage.

saltire · 27/05/2008 08:44

I too have 2 DSes, and often wonder about this, especially since so many (if not all) the complaints about MILs on here are from DILs.
Having said that, my own MIL and step MIL have given me lots of insight into it, and pointers on what not to do

Original poster
Mavornia · 27/05/2008 08:52

Ah, knew I 'd feel a bit better after posting

feel like clutching the poor little mite to my chest and screaming "never leave your mummy!"

I shall put him down now...for a bit

OP posts:
gem1981 · 27/05/2008 08:57

pregnancy hormones are getting the better of me here i think ...

My DS is nearly 2 and the thought of his future partner sidelining me fills me with rage (told you I was hormonal )

ivykaty44 · 27/05/2008 08:58

Set them free and they will fly home to visit

posieparker · 27/05/2008 09:00

Don't piss your DIL off, which is what most MIL's seem to do!!!

angel1976 · 27/05/2008 09:05

Hi,

I was thinking exactly the same thing - me having issues with MIL since birth of DS and also realising DH and his sister really aren't that interested in dealing with their mum even though she obviously adores her children - made me wonder really what is the point of having children if they all turn out not even ungrateful but just not interested.

But I think I read a saying somewhere along the same line of... You should cherish your children as a 'gift' to enjoy and love for say 18 years and then, you need to set them free and whatever they give to you after that is a bonus! Easier said than done I am sure!

Ax

SmugColditz · 27/05/2008 09:12

I am intending to steer my sons towards complete doormats of women, in order to ensure I can continue to be matriarch. I will not lose a son, I will gain a daughter, and as my daughter she will do as I say!

bumpybecky · 27/05/2008 09:16

not all MILs are nightmares though - mine is throughly lovely I have a much better realtionship with her than with my own mother. I hope I'm as good at the job as my MIL is when my ds is bigger

edam · 27/05/2008 09:20

I like the cut of your gib, young Colditz! I've been using subliminal programming on ds which seems to be bearing fruit. When he was a tiny baby, I used to whisper in his ear: ''When you are grown up, you must phone Mummy at least once a week and come and visit once at least once a month."

He's nearly five, and told me off his own back the other day: "When I'm a dada and have a house I will come and see you all the time Mummy and talk on the phone." That's my boy!

OrmIrian · 27/05/2008 09:21

Well my DS#1 isn't planning to ever leave home. And he doesn't like girls.

Ermmm.....

NotABanana · 27/05/2008 09:24

I was just thinking last night that I have 2 sons so hopefully will have 2 DIL, but they will be closer to their mums so wondered how often I would see them.

A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life.

Here's hoping my daughter changes her mind and does have children!

SheherazadetheGoat · 27/05/2008 09:27

it is not just us who worry about these things. i overheard dh and dd talking about marriage. dh was explaining to dd that she couldn't marry him so dd said she wouldn't get married and would stay with him forever. cue dh hugging her and saying 'thats right'. later on i pointed out we might end up with a weirdy 40 year old daddy's girl on our hands but he seems unbothered.

ninedragons · 27/05/2008 09:40

Don't forget you get a fairly distorted picture of the typical MIL-DIL relationship here. It's only the people who can't stand theirs who ever post.

Mine is lovely and since we had the baby I make an effort to include her. I send her photos and chat on the phone at least once a week, and she's welcome to visit whenever she likes.

If you don't pierce your granddaughter's ears while you're minding her or make your DIL eat in the kitchen while everyone else is in the dining room, you will be absolutely fine!

pellmell · 27/05/2008 09:42

Mine is the most sefish woman on the planet

bumpybecky..can I ask what your mil does that makes her so good?
Good to have a reference point

ivykaty44 · 27/05/2008 09:44

These ds may bring home another nothers ds

Shoshe · 27/05/2008 09:52

I'm a MIL, who loves her DDIL to pieces, and am still very close to DS (only child of a single mum until after he left home)

Ds still phones a couple of times a week, as does DDIL, we see them most weekends, if they want to, and if we are about.

We dont live in each others pockets, but are very close.

DS is very close to my DH although had left home by the time we married (might be something to do with only being 9 years younger than DH)

They have no children together, although DS has a daughter from a previous relationship, who we have living with us at times, I am also quite close to DGDs mother, she will ring if she needs something, and we do just chat.

We will babysit when they do have kids, but I wont be looking after them like I have DGD, and they know that, mainly because I am retiring from Childminding in 18 months, for health reasons, and will be going back to part time work, but they know that and are quite happy for me to be a Grandmother this time not a surrogote parent.

DDIL is from SA so is away from her family, so I do try to be here for her more.

Just because you have a son, dosnt have to mean you lose them.

Even tho my DS and DDIL are thinking of emigrating to Canada, I know we will still see them, in fact by then we will be living in Scotland and it will be quicker to fly from Canada to Scotland than driving from here to Scotland.

And Skype is a wonderful thing, for the times in between

Tortington · 27/05/2008 09:59

my mil has 3 sons 2 live on the same street as her - i completely get where she is coming from now in a way i didn't when mykids were little

i completely get why she didn't make a stand when we knew SIL was shaggin all and sundry.

Idina · 27/05/2008 10:11

I have 3 boys. I think it's about adjusting your expectations about your position within the family, being grateful for the lovely years you have with them when they are small, and then backing off for a while and not being a prima donna when the girlfriends/wives arrive. Looking back, I had an excellent relationship with some of my previous boyfriends' mothers and it was because of their personality type- gentle, unobtrusive, undemanding. My MIL is the exact opposite of this and we have always struggled.

It may be a silly example but I remember thinking very clearly when my best friend from childhood got married that I would now be "sidelined" in her life, and that I would have to defer to her DH in all dealings with her. Previous to that time, we had "chosen" and "authorised" all our boyfriends with each other her including her future DH. I suddenly had a real wake up call that the power base had shifted forever, but it was good to think it through, accept it and then work on the new relationship.

pooter · 27/05/2008 11:18

I too can't bear the thought of not being central in my beautiful ds's life. I know that my husband's mum would like to see us more often, and it is always me that prods dh to even ring her - im sure if she knew it would really hurt her.

Is the answer to keep popping out the kids so you always have a little one with you? Or be on hand for babysitting? Oh i dont know...i suppose we just have to savour the time we have with them now, and treat them in a way so they want to see us in the future.

My little bro always said he wasnt leaving home, but living in my mums shed, and he actually tied a piece of string around her finger once (he was 4) to keep her close! They speak about once a week and see each other about once every 3 months. How can that be enough for my mum????

ninedragons · 27/05/2008 11:28

Anyway, you never know how it's going to pan out. I have two little brothers. One has bought a house 50 metres away from my parents' house and the other lives about 20 minutes' drive away. On the other hand, I have lived overseas for the past 14 years.

WinkyWinkola · 27/05/2008 11:37

To be honest, I don't expect my DS and his future wife (or husband!?!?) to involve me hugely in his life as an adult. He's an adult. He doesn't want his blooming mother hanging around all the time!

I hope that we'll talk often and remain close. If he ever wants me to help out, come over or whatever, I'll do the best I can.If he doesn't then well, that's the way it has to be. You can't force someone.

But it makes me to think of me putting pressure on him to come and see me, do this that and the other with his DCs etc. It's up to him. I wouldn't dream of interfering. He'll be all grown up then.

jellybeans · 27/05/2008 11:40

My MIL is horrendous. It is such a shame as it would have been great to have a good relationship with her. Basically she depended on DH (only child) for her every need and controlled him totally, he wasn't allowed to sleep out when he was 20 as she was 'scared on her own' nor was he allowed contact with his real dad. She could not see that he had his space and home when he moved out (she said it drove her to medication, him moving out at 20), in her words HE and HER are the 'family' and me and his kids are his 'extended family'. She said once I would be perfect for the family if I just 'fit in' (in other words let her do what she wanted!) I could go on but i won't. I have 2 DS and from what i have seen if the MIL wants to have a good relationshp with her DS and DIL and GKids she has to make an effort with DIL and accept them. I intend to be nice but not too pushy, I am not that type anyway, domineering and agressive like MIL.