Getting over holiday row

[AbsoluteScenes]

Name changed for this, seeking perspective. On holiday with DP, DC and DM&F - holiday was their idea, they’ve refused payment for most things despite my insistence (paid behind my back, etc) and have been funny about me paying for meals, shopping, etc, but I’ve been doing it anyway as per prior agreement as I don’t want to freeload. Shared villa and shared cooking, cleaning, etc. Two days ago DM made a point of doing all chores despite me asking her to leave things to me (I had been in and out of pool with DC and nothing was urgent). Yesterday she blew up in public, shouting and gesticulating in front of DC and other holidaymakers about how she’s had enough and been pushed too far. Lots of criticism of my DP and DC and of course me - she’s done everything, paid for everything, etc. Immediate trigger was me “shouting at her” ( I didn’t, we were on our way to eat and there was a closer place I suggested only to give DM & DF the chance of a shorter walk). Five mins prior DF had interrupted my DP talking to our eldest about his cheek & so DP told DF to wait, which DF was furious about - all unbeknownst to me as I was organising where we were going and the exchange was over in seconds. So, when DM kicks off, DF grabs and challenges DP, who raised his voice but not his hands. DCs saw all - mortified. It’s all calmed down now but has obviously soured atmosphere and while I apologised for causing any offence and DF apologised to DP, there’s been nothing from DM and overall DM&F are acting as if nothing happened. Meanwhile, DP is staying in room. I know likely heat and hunger at play and we’ll obvs never do this again but I just can’t believe it. Has anyone else dealt with anything like this? Am worried about where things go from here.

YABU for posting this, get over it
YANBU this is mental and I have advice

You're clearly not holiday compatible.
Who knows if you're being unreasonable.
Say that you're sorry they'e upset, but that you want to enjoy the time with them, but that this type of holiday doesn't work for us.

I can't vote for either option, as I don't have any advice, but I understand you posting.

My initial thinking is - how out of character is this for them ?
I mean, I would never go on holiday with my in-laws or my parents and we get on fine with both. But the fact you did decide to do that leaves me wondering if this is completely out of the blue or if it is normal tension that is heightened a bit?

I can't get my head round any adults fighting like that in front of the dc. But I know that is not unusual in some other people's lives.

Sounds awful.

If they’ve got over I’d just crack on and resolve never to go away with them again.

Don’t go on holiday again. They want to pay for everything and expect you to be grateful and do everything their way because they own you.
You don’t want that, you want to go away as equal adults and they are treating you like children.
make your life easier and say no thanks next time.

Incidentally, I have been on three such holidays - one with DH's family when they just didn't show up for the first two nights and then expected us to change plans when they did. Another where my MIL wouldn't work around timings for a 6,4 and 1 year old and then spent hours in the only bathroom she hadn't blocked!

Then the holiday from hell with lovely friends from school who also invited another "crunchy" family. I'm not sure if the term still exists - but it meant that they just didn't parent their children at all and they were feral. DD still has the scar on her forehead from one of the children.

Your mum sounds like my mum. Martyrs herself then gets angry about it.

my advice, don’t go on holiday with her.

I would suggest that for the next couple of days you suggest you and your family go off together and df and dm go off on their own

then don’t go on holiday with them again

The fighting in front of the kids is the worst bit for me, I am still so shocked that they would behave like that. Am not saying we’re the Waltons but this is certainly not the norm. My youngest said it was a disgrace to the family which is 100% correct.

Why were you apologising? Don't you feel emotionally safe enough to have the hump with them? I'd be givng them the proper cold shoulder and leaving early. Are you scared they'll disown you for speaking your mind and not keeping the peace?

Sounds very much like because they’ve insisted on paying for everything they think everything should go their way. Grabbing your dp was completely unacceptable.

People do clash on holidays when they’ve been cooped up together for longer than usual but take it as a lesson never to do it again. And drink lots of wine.

Are your parents used to getting their own way/people always falling in line? It sounds like your DF was furious with your DP for asking him to wait - makes me wonder if this is the first time anyone’s ever responded this way to him and it’s shocked him to the core.

Id ask your DP for an honest appraisal of your parents as you may well be so conditioned to their behaviour you can’t see it for what it really is -highly controlling and manipulative.

Your poor children OP.
I would be appalled that they witnessed such utterly low class behaviour.

Even worse that it was done in public.
Don't blame you partner for staying in his room.

I certainly wouldn't be apologising.
I would be staying out of their way, keepimg my children away from them and take some space as soon as you get home.

That your mother hasn't apologised and thinks such behaviour is acceptable is telling.

I think your childs words should be ringing in your ears.

Thanks all, it’s much appreciated. I apologised bc it’s hard to see yourself clearly and so maybe I did do something (???) but afterwards I realised my immediate reaction was to try to manage down her behaviour and I guess I have learned that along the way and minimised it. Can’t get over the grabbing from DF either but trying to keep things as civil/positive as possible for the DCs and will be taking a big step back once home. DP surfaced for dinner and we have left them to it this evening.

Why do people do these joint holidays?. Isn't it better to be in control of your own itinerary?

I will never understand why people have to go on holiday with their parents ( as adults) there is nothing remotely relaxing about the situation you describe even before the big argument!

It’s not a pleasant situation, but most people experience a holiday drama at some point in their lives - so rest assured about that

You aren’t going to holiday like this again, and you know your mum was being a dick

So, deep breaths, as follow your parents lead on acting like it’s fine - because ultimately it is. Focus on your kids and your DP.

If you want to talk to your mum, I’d hold it till you get home, unless you are really bursting.

You don’t need to have it out with her at any point if you don’t want to, but you should be firm and clear - mum I need to play with the kids now, but I’ll do the kitchen later, no need for you to do it. If she does, that’s her look out.

I suspect that your in laws are expecting you to behave like good little children and be respectful And grateful for their parenting of you by paying for everything etc. So when you act like the adults you are and either have an opinion or just a voice they feel disrespected and that you are then ungrateful for all they done. It’s a hugely unhealthy dynamic. Your children sound old and mature enough to know none of this is ok and that means they’ll be fine. So do t worry about them. I would plan the rest of the holiday as much as possible to be just your family for dinner and trips and leave the inlaws to their own devices. No ranquour. Just space.

Insisting on paying for everything is a classic method of establishing dominance. Don't let your parents pay for everything and don't go away with them again.

How long have you got left?

I'm surprised more family holidays don't descend into this tbh, I've certainly felt like it at times. It is near impossible to shoehorn 3 generations into a holiday everyone will enjoy. You, as the middle generation, have the worst of all worlds trying to keep them all happy.

Sharing a villa with small children is exhausting, even when you're not being asked to help. They're probably just totally knackered from the heat/noise/mess/general chaos small children bring, when they're used to a quiet house.

Find some local activities nearby and take your kids and DH out every day for the rest of the holiday. Don't invite parents. That will get you through till the end of the trip then don't agree to a shared holiday again.

DH and I have just turned down an extremely luxurious 5* holiday, paid for by a relative, because we have two very small children and the location/setup is totally un-child friendly. Not even nearly worth it.

Yes, we’ve found that this type of holiday only works when you agree to do some things separately and the grandparents do not try to parent … DH had to deal with one tricky incident and actually put his hand up to block his DM from grabbing DS. She got the point and backed off, but I realised we should have discussed this beforehand. We did another one years later, this time with DS2 when he was about 10. Again, there was one incident which DH had to have words about.

In both these cases we had organised the holiday and paid for the bulk of it. There’s no way I would have gone if it was the other way round. They simply don’t really understand the needs of DC - they haven’t spent enough time with them. DS2 could get very stressed when tired and faced with an unfamiliar menu. I could defuse his stress quickly with a noughts and crosses game - MIL telling him off was never going to end well. If they’d paid for us to go it would have been very awkward.