I know this is stupidly long so I apologise, it’s cathartic to get all of this out in one place and see if I’m as unreasonable as I’m told I am.
I 41f have been married for just over 2 years. My DH and I have 22 month and 6 week old children. Prior to marriage I owned my own home outright- I lived on site for almost 5 years as it was built, mostly from the kind assistance from my parents who were able to do a lot of the work themselves. They are relatively wealthy from inheritance and running their own business- I think they own approximately 20 properties but I don’t know the exact number as they’re very odd when it comes to money-it’s taboo in our family to think we’re well off, god forbid any of us bought a nice car etc. Despite this my parents have been extremely financially generous to all 3 of us children in helping us buy our homes, so long as we were making decisions they approved of I.e buying property of their choosing in locations they approved of etc. Despite their financial generosity, I have a difficult relationship with them- before my youngest sibling was born my eldest sibling and I were removed by social service for a short period due to physical violence from my father, which my mother wouldn’t stop. This had gone on for many years but only stopped when my gym teacher noticed marks on my body from the previous nights beating with a belt. My father was never physically violent after this, but is very emotionally cruel and my mother is an enabler who won’t see any fault in him at all. I’m civil and keep our relationship superficial but try to keep myself as emotionally closed off as possible.
Fast forward to my marriage- when I met my DH we became good friends and formed a lovely relationship. A few months before our marriage we found out I was pregnant which was a huge but lovely shock. My husband comes from a farming family who are deeply emeshed and have a horribly toxic dynamic. I was treated politely but always an outsider. My in-laws depend completely on my DH to keep farming, without him they would lose everything. When he moved in I asked him how he wanted to arrange finances etc, and he said to leave things as they were but once we were married we would add his name and he would pay half bills etc. I was a bit taken aback but our wedding was only a few months away so didn’t worry too much.
After we were married I repeatedly asked what we were going to do, how to divide bills etc and he said once things improved on the farm we’d review things. His family farm is not profitable, they make enough money to roll into the next year, pay their bills and that’s it. It’s been a constant worry of mine but I’ve always accepted what he said as I could see the reality of his financial situation was dire whereas I was earning a very good wage in the family business.
When our child was 9 months old I found out I was pregnant with our second child which was very unexpected following my first difficult delivery and many factors which I was told would make it almost impossible to conceive again. I was also on the pill but had an infection which I think made it ineffective. My in-laws reaction to my pregnancy was particularly cold, but my husband insisted I was imagining it. In a horrible move on my part I checked my husbands phone and found messages between him and my mil criticising me- calling me a terrible wife and mother with lots of lies from my DH to paint me this way. I was devastated and we separated for a short while and he went back to stay with his family. His behaviour was so confusing to me, he was loving to my face but was the complete opposite behind my back. After lots and lots of back and forth he moved back in on the condition we went to counselling. We’ve only been a handful of times but it’s clear his family dynamic is deeply toxic and he has a deep need to please his mother and family. She had been almost terminally ill at one point (she was sent home from hospital to die) previous to our meeting and consistently tells him he will bring her illness back if he doesn’t do x y or z for her. I could sympathise with his issues as I know what it’s like to be damaged by your family dynamics so I’ve been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and told him we’d focus on getting baby here safely and see what we can build again together afterwards. I had a very difficult pregnancy, and I’m now 6 weeks postpartum.
Throughout my pregnancy I was stressed about finances (again) and when I was 5 months pregnant found out he’s being sued by an ex employer for £50,000 (someone he worked for as a farm labourer to try and bring more money into his parents farm) It’s been extremely stressful trying to deal with solicitors barristers and court appearances etc when heavily pregnant and with our relationship already under so much strain. As much as I resent him for putting me through this, I know it’s actually not his fault this time as his ex employer has form of doing this to other employees and she has a history on mental illness. But we still have to spend money fighting her bonkers allegations. Throughout this time I couldn’t go back to work full time so once again finances are a huge worry, and he’s still not contributing anything to our home as now all his money is going on legal bills. He says once the case is over this will change but I don’t think I believe him.
I have tried and tried to keep a cool head throughout this, but after the birth I just feel differently. It’s like I’ve run out of patience or understanding. I had a csection and lots of complications but he’s made no effort to help me at home, he has no desire to look after me or care for me, but I feel like I’m being precious in even thinking this. My scar opened up 2 weeks after birth as I was doing so much- all the usual washing, laundry, looking after both babies etc. He watched me hoover two weeks post partum and sat on the sofa scrolling his phone. I’ve continued to do all the cooking and make sure he has a hot meal waiting for him every evening and tried to make sure our toddlers routine is not interrupted too much by the arrival of the new baby. I’m home alone 7 days a week whilst he goes to work on his parents farm which is 5 minutes away. He hasn’t come home once during the day to see how were are etc- he eats lunch each day in their home with them while I’m down the road with both children trying to recover and he sees no issue at all with this. I have repeatedly told him I can’t carry on like this- I bring up the same issues and nothing changes. I can’t continue to pay all of our bills, do all the childcare, household chores and emotional labour whilst he goes out to work 16 hour days to keep his family afloat. It’s especially galling when they have made no contact with me since I found the messages between him and his mother, and they have completely blocked me but he still lives his entire life to please them. He would argue he has put in emotional boundaries with them and their constant interference in our lives has stopped, but I find it hard to agree when he’s spending every day all day with them.
When I’m up during the night feeding the baby I find myself imagining my life without him and how much happier I’d be. The one and only reason I have stayed is the children- I cannot bear the thought of being without them, every one night a week. It would destroy me to have him take them to his parents farm where he would inevitably live and have them brought up even part of the time by in-laws who are so toxic. A tiny part of me thinks there might be some hope- once legal proceeding are over he might contribute financially, and he has tried to find full time work on other farms which would take him away from his parents, create some boundries between them but most farms are in the same position and can’t really afford to take on more staff.
I have spoke to two of my closest friends and whilst they initially told me not to take any drastic action when I found out about the messages to in-laws, now they have a more complete picture of my home life are both advocating for me to make a more serious ultimatum and if nothing changes divorce. I know in my head this is the advice I’d give them if the shoe was on the other foot.
Despite this I feel like there must be something wrong with me- I have a complicated and deeply flawed relationships with my parents, I though my in laws at least partially liked me but it turns out they detest me, and I have a husband which my friend pointed out doesn’t even like me according to his actions, let alone love me! At what point do you have to face reality that you might be the problem?
I don’t know how I ended up like this but I feel completely backed into a corner and have no way out. I want my husband to be a partner, to pay his share of bills, to do his share of chores, to basically care about us. During our last argument I tried to explain to him how hurtful it was that he takes no responsibility for us as his family- he’s never bought so much as nappy, everything the children have is from me. He thinks because I’m from a relatively well off family that I’m obsessed with money. I don’t think I am but I’m 6 weeks postpartum so find it hard to trust my own feelings and judgement at the moment. He also constantly tells me how much he loves me, asks for a hug or a kiss and calls me cold hearted when I brush him off. During our last argument he said he felt blanked out by me since the baby was born which left me speechless. I have repeatedly told him I need actions not words, but he still thinks he’s a better more loving partner to me than I am to him because he says all the right things and is physically loving.
I feel spineless-lots of women who face the reality that they have crappy husbands are able to take that next step and divorce, but I just can’t bring myself to. Do I really have a crappy husband or am I as cold hearted as he says probably as a result of closing myself off emotionally to my father since childhood? Maybe I have unrealistic expectations- he is emotionally available and is the hardest working person I know by a long long mile, but it feels pointless as it’s not to our benefit. He stuck in the middle trying to keep everyone happy and I keep making his life harder by refusing to accept our situation and just be happy.
When I think of divorce I feel a mixture of shame, hope and fear- mostly fear about what will happen to the children once I have no control over what happens to them during the time he has them. It’s not just their emotional Wellbeing, it’s also physical as he has a history of taking our oldest in the car with no car seat, his in-laws don’t believe in seatbelt use etc. I feel at least if we’re married I can keep a close eye on them and stop certain activities and visits to certain places etc. I fantasise about finding out he’s had an affair so it would be easier to justify a divorce to the children in years to come, or wish that he would leave me so I’m not blamed for the break up. What’s wrong with me and what do I do?!