Who is being unreasonable - different standards in the home

[Cantgetbehindtheradiator]

I value a tidy house. I fully subscribe to the “tidy house, tidy mind” mindset. It genuinely affects my mental health, focus, and overall happiness. If it were up to me, we'd live with minimal stuff, clear surfaces, and everything put away after use. But of course, I live with two young children and a husband who doesn’t share the same standards, so over time I’ve had to learn to relax my expectations.

And I have relaxed. I’ve made peace with a certain amount of chaos. I see the joy in things like a half-finished magnatile or LEGO project that stays out for a while. But there are limits. I’m not okay with anyone stepping on things instead of over or around them, or having no clear floor space to sit and play. Things get broken and lost, and we don't have the money or environmental bandwidth to be replacing things that should have been cared for. I’m not aiming for a showroom, I'm not on socials so definitely not motivated by an insta house! I am aiming for a home that functions, that feels safe and calm, where you’re not stepping on crap all the time.

What’s frustrating is that every time I try to accept a “lower bar,” it seems to drop even further. My husband is much better than he used to be but the truth is he just doesn’t see mess. He needs it pointed out before it even registers, and I’m tired of being the one to notice. Our kids (7&4) also don’t care, which I get is age-appropriate and pretty standard, but it still feels like I’m constantly the one picking up, reminding, chasing, and trying to keep the whole place from falling into chaos.

So I'm questioning if am I the one being unreasonable? I feel like the stereotypical nagging mum, clinging to some outdated idea of order while everyone else is fine with mess. If 3 out of 4 people are fine with stuff being lost, broken, or cluttering up every surface, does that mean I'm the one who should let it go?

YABU - go with the majority and learn to live with it
YANBU - I don't even know what, the opposite I guess 😂 stick to your guns and keep trying to train them all to tidy up after themselves!

I'm afraid this is a you issue.

Unless he's living like a pig who is to say dh is wrong and you're right?

He seems happy, you are not, you can only change yourself hence its a you issue.

So, you shouldn't have married him. Bit late.

Does he care about you? Is he willing to change for you? Can you agree a minimum standard and agree EXACTLY what that looks like eg is doing a load of laundry putting it in the machine, or is it noticing it needs doing, washing it, hanging it out, keeping an eye on it, bringing it in, folding it and putting it away? Is cleaning the bathroom a spray and wipe and squirt of bleach or is it scrubbing the back of the toilet and polishing taps?

Would you leave over this eventually? Does he understand that?

I could not be nagging someone. I'd explain a few times but if they agreed to do something then didn't there'd be no future in the relationship.

To be fair when it was just us there wasn't so much stuff, or two little gremlins creating additional mess. Also everyone was a lot more rested and time rich. Smaller become heightened over time, especially with additional variables like children.

I do think in relationships and families there has to be give and take. I'm more likely to review, to adapt, to consider others, to try and find the fair option. DH is more of a 'deal with the problem in front of him in the moment' person rather than review what just happened and try to adapt for next time. We've actually been pretty good for each other in that sense, I'm a lot more relaxed than I was and (in areas outside of house tidyness) he's a lot more observant and proactive than he used to be. There's an ebb and flow there which works for us in most areas. We're certainly practiced at negotiation and compromise! Perhaps some marriages have people who are more similar to one another. I think overall we balance each other well a lot of the time, just not in this area. And given that I'm in the minority in my household it felt worthwhile asking the question if the issue was indeed me, as you say. I agree with you that to a certain extent it is me. I am the only being truly inside my circle of influence, and I'm more than happy to work on that. However having the lot of the replies here I think it's probably more accurate that it's something we still need to work on together as a family, especially as the children are still learning. Hopefully if all 3 of them learn to notice a bit more of the general tasks and I am able to continue to learn to let even more of it go, we'll all find an equilibrium eventually. Better hope so otherwise I'm not going to cope well with what I've heard about teenage bedrooms 😂

Hard to say without seeing pics of your home really. As you say, you have to expect a certain amount of mess. You speak about lowering your standards but it all depends on whether you had overly high standards in the first place, which might be the case. Maybe lay down some stricter rules for certain rooms in the house so you can feel more in control of the home and feel less stressed by it all?

I mean are we talking not putting toys away at the end of the day or not putting away as they go? First one is not ok, second one is sadly normal.

Throwing clothes on the floor instead of the laundry? Not cleaning up spillages/food? I guess some more context would be helpful as there are different kinds of messes, different kinds of spaces and it depends on where your standard was before you lowered it.

Yanbu

When men become partners and dads, they need to take responsibility and become more social. They need to step up.

They are insufferably lazy and entitled. Given the chance, dh will do nothing in the house. They all will from what I have seen.

Its depressing.

I’m like you op. I absolutely cannot and I really mean cannot function without mess and clutter around me. Everything has a plan. I also have young kids but all toys have its own place too. I have a toy box in each and every single room. Surfaces are clear and uncluttered. I clean the kitchen daily. Dh doesn’t have time to do housework as he works long hours in a stressful job, so he pays for a cleaner instead. So he is pulling his weight.
I also find mess around me like noise. Just can’t focus.

dear @Cantgetbehindtheradiator, you're absolutely not being ridiculous, but you will need to be strong without being punitive or harsh. You have to establish and enforce boundaries around "tidy-up time".
Ask any Nursery teacher (or Reception or Y1 teacher) for hints and wrinkles.e.g. Rule: Not allowed to get out new toy/activity/game unless&until current one is put away.
Rule: Before any meal, toys/games, etc. are (roughly) tidied up/away (unless there's a clear & important project in mid-flow, e.g. Lego Mega-City, Marble-run Superhighway).
Have Plentiful Boxes & Baskets - rigid plastic and/or soft woven felt (IKEA) in which, very quickly, to chuck similar items.
Puzzles & Jigsaws: With an indelible felt-tip, mark the BACK of each piece (e.g. of a jigsaw) with a number and/or code (e.g. "HP1" = Harry Potter, easiest jigsaw), so you know which box to fling it into.
Boxes & Containers; Sellotape corners of boxes & containeers when they, inevitably, get damaged. BUY AN OFFICE GRADE SELLOTAPE DISPENSER - to help you with this mending. It will repay the outlay in spades.
Have A Saying or Jingle: ... which you repeat (like a relentless ad jingle), e.g. 🎼 "Tidy Up Time, Tidy Up Time, / Tidy Up, Tidy Up, Tidy Up Time." 🎼 until you have bored a hole into the brains of your DCs and they see there is now way out but to comply.
Be Relentlessly Cheerful: Do "Broken Record", but with a huge smile, so that (hopefully) you'll bring about a situation where the DCs say to themselves and/or each other:- "Oh, Gawd! Quick, do what she wants or she'll start on with that bloody awful jingle". In which case, QED, you'll have done what you set out to do.
Good luck.

I recommend reading the late, wonderful Peg Bracken on this subject. Just from memory, in her "The I Hate to Housekeep Book," she pointed out re: children that you keep house not for them, but in spite of them; and re: husbands that they "with a few grim exceptions don't care that much" going on to remind you that the grim exceptions are often not much fun to live with - "...maybe little Napoleon turns blue every time the window blind is an inch out of line."

There are also good tips on how to contain the chaos so that you're in control of it without constantly trundling around after them like that poor little sweeper droid in Wal-E (for whom my heart bled).

The years will roll on, and eventually there will be order and peace restored in your house, the downside being that when you want to see them you'll have to go to theirs.

I'm afraid I've been through all that. I have everything marked and labelled. However if the other people living with you aren't naturally that way inclined then nothing will change. It just means I spend my whole time nagging everyone to do these things and it's fucking miserable. For them and for me. They might know what you want them to do and how to do it but if it's not how they want to live they'll never do it without being nagged and they shouldn't have to, to be honest. The only way to find any kind of peace is the middle ground, a way of living that both sides can accept. Unfortunately in @Cantgetbehindtheradiator 's case it seems the other side keep moving that middle ground more and more towards their way.

If you genuinely believe you are being reasonable, @Cantgetbehindtheradiator , then I think all you can do is communicate clearly with your husband (not sure you can do the same with children) about how miserable this is all making you. Remind him that if he really loves and cares about you then he needs to show you that by making an effort. But equally, if he isn't by nature as tidy as you, you can't change him completely as that's miserable for him too. If he isn't prepared to compromise, how far are you prepared to go with this? Would you leave him? If that's the case then you have to communicate that clearly but don't throw threats around you're not prepared to see through.

If you can communicate clearly between you but can't reach any happy compromise then you'll have to get more creative about solutions. Can you afford a cleaner to come in regularly? If someone else can deal with the problem some of the time, you don't have to spend so much of your time dealing with it and you can both relax more.

I love all of this. The jigsaw is particularly genius!! I do have a tidy up song from when DS was teeny tiny, but never thought to sing it around DH. I think it wouldn't be appreciated at all, but perhaps as you say that'll be motivational!

Do people really leave one another over mismatches in housekeeping? It's not nice having different levels, but I just thought working this stuff out was part of living with someone. Reflecting on your opinions, and those of the other person. Seeking validation or insight where necessary. Was certainly the case when house sharing with people before DH. However in that scenario I didn't have any authority to lay down rules so had to live and let live more. That's different as a parent, but not necessarily as a spouse I guess. It was kinda the reason for the thread tbh.

I don't think the state of the house really matters as I could send photos here and what is unreasonable for me will be fine for others, or some might think it's awful it even got this far. We mostly have different standards. I appreciate all the ideas for next steps and how to bring those standards within my home more in line so I'm compromising less without making it a negative environment for the others who live here.

Will keep chatting to DH and the smalls!